New Girl: Virgins, Review

They Did It! What'd they do? Oh. Right. Look inside.


THEY DID IT! THEY FINALLY DID IT! And it involved an elevator, and a sweeping Rhett Butler-esque carry, and a “how I lost my virginity” stories as build up!




Yes, I can be more immature about this, but I’ll refrain.


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So the episode begins with Wintson and Schdmit bursting in on Jess and CeCe removing body hair. They are somewhat grossed out, but CeCe and Jess continue on their quest for hairless body parts. It is soon revealed that Winston, Schmidt and Jess all have big plans to meet up with people who they’re probably going to get lucky with.


At which point Nick jumps out of the bathroom stall. Was he there the entire time? Yes. Doing what? No, don’t ew. Apparently sometimes he just sits in the bathroom and eavesdrops on his roommates.


Ok, ew, but in an entirely different manner.


Turns out Winston is meeting up with Daisy, Schmidt with Allison, and Jess with Teddy, the man she lost her “flower” to. These leads to a “whose first time was the worst story ever” contest between the loftmates.


This leads to a hilarious series of flashbacks of the loft mates in high school college and early twenties. Must I see high school Winston and Nick again? Yes. Yes I must.


This episode was one of those episodes that was brilliant, hysterical, and dramatic all wrapped up in one hell of a climax moment (pun sort of intended). Watching episodes like these make my writing soul weep for joy. New Girl, much like Rene Zellwegger did for Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire: you make me want to be a better writer. (Editor: Isn’t that closer to Jack Nicholson saying “You make me want to be a better man.” from As Good As It Gets? Lisa: SHH. Leave it be!)


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So Jess’s story goes on for the entiiiire episode and begins with prom night. She and her prom date have an awkward, “equality of the sexes” attempt at, well, sex. It does not go well. She ends up hanging out in the hallway and being serenaded by a high school guitar carrying cutie. Need more be said?


Yes, because apparently no one did it that night.


At which point, Schmidt breaks in and tells his first time story, which involved a prep/pep talk with a high on mushrooms Nick, Allison, a GIANT bottle of lube, and some of the best physical comedy I’ve ever seen involving a bunk bed.


Oh, New Girl. Every time I think you can’t top yourself, man, you just do.


This leads to CeCe’s story of her first time, also on prom night, but hers is not terrible, because she apparently lost it to the Jagger himself. That’s right. That Jagger. Rolling Stones Jagger.


CeCe is booed and put down in last place for the worst first time story. Winston then proceeds to brag about his story being awesome, which is immediately deflated when Nick, and, after they hear it, the rest of the group informing Winston he lost it to a prostitute that Nick’s dad bought for he and Nick on a trip to New York. Winston did lose it. Nick did not, but he did apparently take his first step towards alcoholism.


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Also, Nick and Winston’s pre-pubescent voices, priceless. Also pricess, teenage Winston’s line, “I’m only a virgin in my penis, baby.”


We flash back to Jess’s story, which catches up with her when she’s 22. She and CeCe are hanging out at a bar (which Nick, Winston and Schmidt are also at). Jess still hasn’t lost it. Then spots her prom guitar player. It must be fate! But hold on—he’s living out of his car, and she’s crashing on CeCe’s couch. Where will they go to do it?


Apparently the answer to this is a playground, inside a plastic children’s castle. And the dude can’t even get it up due to anti-depressants. And then daytime comes, they have to get some kids to call their parents who call Emergency Services to get the  out of the castle where they are stuck. Oh, and turns out the bench they were originally going to do it on holds a dead body.


But on the plus side, Jess does lose it to the hot fireman NAMED TEDDY who drove her home.


Nick’s face immediately falls when he hears this.


The gang all departs: Schmidt to Allison, CeCe to her fiancé, Winston to Daisy. Jess goes to the door. Teddy texts her to ask her if she’s on her way. She looks at Nick. He looks back. She asks if she should be on her way.


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At which point Nick completely clutches and says nothing.


Jess turns, sad, and heads to the elevator. She gets on. Just before the doors close—NICK APPEARS! He opens the doors! He sweeps her up into his arms! They kiss and he carries her into the bedroom! They look down onto the bed and they tumble on!


What follows is a montage of Daisy and Winston getting it on (with Winston watching Titanic at the same time), Schmidt and Allison getting freaky with sex toys, CeCe and her fiancé not doing it and looking awkward, and Nick and Jess, post coitus, exchanging glances and giggling.


Yep. Now things are DEFINITELY changed.


And I have to admit—the high point of this episode was not necessarily Nick and Jess finally sleeping together. Yes, it’s what many of us have been waiting to see happen for the whole season, and yes, it was romantic and hot and so very honest, but what I truly loved about this episode was that it wasn’t an episode and then an awesome moment at the end. It was an episode filled with awesome moments. From the flashbacks with voiceovers of the loft mates groaning at the awful/best parts, to the actors convincingly playing younger ages, to lines like, “where’s your women’s lib now,” “wow this movie [Titanic] is great, I wonder how it ends,” to a lovely moment between teenage Nick and his father, it was all good.


Clearly, it’s definitely NOT New Girl’s writers first time around the block since they know how to foreplay it up, keep the interest in the long stretch, and then go BAM POW SHAZEE for the big finish.


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Best. Episode. Of. The Season. So Far.


Can someone give these guys an Emmy for it now?
Den Of Geek Rating: 5 out of 5 for awesomeness and giggling.


5 out of 5