New Girl: Bacherlorette Party, Review

The wildest party FOX can throw without offending censors. Maybe.

An episode named “Bachelorette Party” and not one drunken character to be found? New Girl, props for taking clichés and…not running with them.Still, it is a night of revelations for Jess and company, not the least because Nick’s junk turns out to be rather impressive, so much so, it helps break the ice with CeCe’s prospective in-laws.I know, that makes no sense and sounds gross, but in the episode it is actually logical and kind of sweet. Which is why I love New Girl, because they take the zaniest of zanies (like an ice-cream man stripper who cries because they send him away and is also on a first name basis with Schmidt) and make it both funny and endearing.Awwww. Double heart sigh.Anyways, the episode starts out with Nick playing the dead dad card, which basically means he gets to do anything with a get out of jail free card (except instead of jail, it’s his dead dad). This includes washing his toes in the kitchen sink, tap dancing spastically, and wearing an orange velour jumpsuit for the entire episode.Jess makes Winston and Nick kidnap Shivrang so she can throw CeCe the surprise bachelorette party of her dreams. Apparently, instead of planning her wedding as a little girl, CeCe planned her final single night shindig. Jess knows exactly what CeCe wants, which is the dirtiest of dirtiest that FOX can show (or mention) on television.Naturally, Shivrang’s family is visiting. Naturally, Shivrang’s aunt goes with CeCe over to Jess’s house to “borrow” a CD. Naturally, CeCe and her almost aunt-in-law get surprised at the door with a large cut-out of a mostly naked Shivrang for a game of “pin the dong.” As the aunt, horrified, goes to the bathroom, CeCe has a mini freakout and reveals she hasn’t seen Shivrang’s dong yet. Oh, and did I mention, the wedding is in three weeks?Yeah. Disaster written all over this one.But not quite yet! Schmidt meanwhile takes offense at CeCe’s invite to him, which doesn’t include a plus one. Why? Only those in serious relationships get a plus one. Schmidt then embarks on trying to find a girlfriend, the result of which is that he can’t because he’s a douchenozzle. Cornering Nick and Winston and asking why, they tell him to talk to his one long term relationship, Elizabeth, whom he dated in college when he was Big Nick.Winston and Nick, in kidnapping Shivrang (which Winston decides to take far too lierally and just makes empty threats to him the entire episode) also have been given a mission by Jess. What is this mission? To take a picture of Shivrang’s penis so CeCe can see it. Nick and Winsotn fail, but Winston does end of taking a picture of Nick’s equipment, sending it to Jess and saying it’s Shivrang’s. The end result: Nick tells Shivrang that CeCe is freaking out. Shivrang then rushes back to comfort his bride to be.Back at the bachelorette party/loft (which consists of Jess and CeCe’s lesbian OBGYN friend, a bunch of models and Shivrang’s aunt), things are actually going better. After an embarrassing slideshow of drunk CeCe, and a Jess-CeCe “you suck at relationships” fight in the hall, Shivrang’s aunt finds out part of why CeCe is freaking is because she hasn’t seen her fiancé naked yet. The aunt finds this perfectly reasonable, and then regales the girls with tales of her own wedding night.At this point, Schmidt has also managed to corner his ex-girlfriend Elizabeth who… Is… Awesome. She tells him he was a great boyfriend until he got thin, changed and got mean. Then she closes the door on him after telling him his hair is stupid.Did I mention she’s awesome? Hope to see more of her.Schmidt has a personal revelation, which is: he’s a dirtbag. He gets back to the loft at the same time Nick, Winston and Shivrang do. Shivrang manages to calm CeCe down about this whole “you’re marrying a stranger in three weeks” business by telling her, “I promise to make you the happiest woman on earth.” Cue the awws and the sweet kiss and Schmidt looking sad, yet wiser. Then it’s revealed CeCe doesn’t know the correct way to pronounce his name, and he didn’t correct her because she’s “so pretty.”Yep. This marriage is totally gonna work guys.Jess admires pictures of Nick’s dick (hey, I had to, it RHYMES people) and then he chases her and tries to take her phone away to delete it. Schmidt apologizes to CeCe if he was ever selfish when they dated and says he’s happy for her. CeCe says thanks, then looks weird when he walks away, then covers it up by asking Jess to be her maid of honor.Yay! Girly girly squeals.The episode ends with Schmidt returning to Elizabeth’s house with several boxes of pizza, an apology, and asks her to help him bring Big Nick out some more. She tells him to eat all the pizza in front of her. He takes a bite from one slice, and, to quote, “it’s like waking up from a bad salad dream.”Who wants to bet the two of them get together in a real relationship that DOES manage to make CeCe jealous? I wouldn’t take that bet. I’m only making it cuz I’m pretty certain it’s a sure thing and I need cash.I just realized that I didn’t name the terms of the bet before making it. Darn it! Total Schmidt move.Also, to report: Jess and Nick have still not gotten together. Still  Not. So far, their progression has been him touching her boobs, and her seeing a picture of his junk.CeCe was right to say in this episode they have a seventh grade relationship.  Arghghghgh. This has got to be the worst blue-ball season on television ever. Ever. EVER.Oh well. At least I’ll always have the line: “Nick, you look like a dirty pencil.” Nice.