The top 5 ways to defeat invading aliens

THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD FOR INDEPENDENCE DAY, WAR OF THE WORLDS, MARS ATTACKS! AND SIGNS IN THIS ARTICLE.

It’s something we’ve surely all considered at some point. And with the recent television resurrection of V and Professor Stephen Hawking recently stating that, in all probability, aliens could exist and that, in all likelihood, they will be nasty and probably want us out of the way, dead, or maybe for a mid-morning snack, it seems that the ‘in’ thing at the moment is the domination of Earth. Not by zombies (that was so 2009), but instead our means of destruction will come from beyond the stars.

So, before we all cower away or welcome our new intergalactic overlords with open arms, here are the top five ways the Earth could defend itself from a potential extraterrestrial attack…

1. Make a virus

Be it Independence Day or War Of The Worlds, we have defeated the invading horde by either sneezing on them or plugging an Apple Mac into a control system, polluting the aliens with a virus. Either computer-related or bogie-based, there is nothing scarier to aliens than a spaceship needing to be reformatted or trying to drive it with a snotty nose.

1-0 to us tissue-wielding humans

2. Give them a good soaking

Have you seen Signs? No? Well, the aliens who invade the mournful farm life of Mel Gibson and family have a penchant for doodling in crops and terrorising the family from behind closed doors, finally to be defeated by a baseball bat and a cup of water.

Yup, Signs is that rubbish, with the aliens being allergic to water and then trying to invade a planet whose (nearly) entire mass is taken up by the stuff. ‘Logic gap’ barely begins to cover it.

Really, please, Sign aliens, try and invade us again, when we will all defend ourselves with soggy towels.

2-0 to us holding the water pistols

3. Make some giant robots

Dai-X, Voltron, Gundam, Titan Maximum or even the Power Rangers are all great examples of how to defend against an alien menace by building bloody great big robots full of cannons and big smashy fists designed to smite our potential alien overlords.

Never does a Japanese cartoon/potential marketing opportunity for a new line of toys go past where some dark and menacing alien horde is setting its bug-eyed sights on Earth, only to be repelled by a group of teens piloting a multi-coloured combination of ships, dragons or such like.

Still, it seems to have worked so far, as currently we are not under the badly dubbed rule of Rita Repulsor or some other vague man-in-suit-like intergalactic fiend.

3-0 to us for a great use of ‘combining robot’ montage

4. Make them go to school

Invader Zim and Gir, two of the finest examples of how not to invade the Earth, and how singing The Doom Song doesn’t help bring down your proposed target any more than having gnomes in your garden with laser-beam eyes.

Sent as a scouting party by their snack-loving leaders called The Tallest, Zim, a megalomaniac alien with plastic eyes, green skin and a hatred for school sports, and his trusty ‘advanced’ robot sidekick Gir (who is more interested in dancing, eating muffins and bee-keeping) are kept at bay by the conspiracy-addicted Dib. Along with the fact that Zim himself has trouble reaching door handles or is constantly blowing up his own troops.

All we need for this one to work is a disco to distract Gir and to build everything just out of reach. Genius.

4-0 to us tall enough to go on the rides at Alton Towers

5. Play anything by Slim Whitman….very loud

Cattle mutilation, lasering Jack Black for no reason, or models with really massive hair, it seems that the aliens of Mars Attacks might actually be kind of fun to have around. And while maybe the random disintegration might not be the best way of ‘thinning the herd’, out of all the intergalactic creatures mentioned above, these Martians have, by far, the best sense of fun.

But then, when we are fed up of them getting rid of members of the Sex And The City movie by combining them with dogs, or killing off Jack Nicholson, we can always get rid of them by playing the melodic yodeling tunes of Slim Whitman, really, really loudly. It’s a simple method, and one that would have made the likes of Independence Day a great deal shorter…

5-0 to us with the Marshall stacks blaring out 1950s ‘classics’

So, there you have it. Five easy peasy ways to get rid of any intergalactic menaces!

If you, too, have a way to dispose of unwanted alien rubbish then please add your suggestions below.