It’s the beginning of the end, and I have some thoughts my friends. I hope my ability to perfectly fit in the lyrics to N’SYNC’s “Space Cowboy” have distracted you, even just for a minute, from the sadness that we have actually reached the beginning of the end of our beloved Broad City. Take a minute if you need it…
In the Broad City season 5 premiere, Abbi is turning dirty 30 and what better way to celebrate than to throw on some athliesure wear and walk from the “tippy top” of Manhattan all the way to the “tippy bottom”? The answer is there is no better way, and so Abbi and Ilana make their journey through the entirety of the city on foot. As the wisest among us know, if it isn’t on the ‘gram it didn’t happen, so most of this episode is viewed exclusively through the lens of Ilana’s (and then Abbi’s ) Instagram story. But it wouldn’t be Broad City if our heroins’ trip didn’t face a stumbling block or two. In a moment that pays homage to when Abbi fell in the pit during season 2 and befriended a fig, Ilana falls into a manhole and sprains her ankle— I will not concede that it had anything to do with her totally appropriate choice of studded platform sandals to work across Manhattan in. Also, they may or may not have almost abducted a small child, the jury is still out. But the important part is that our favorite BFF’s finished their journey in one piece—mostly—and Abbi was ushered into her thirties with her partner in crime by her side and a mission accomplished.
While I thoroughly enjoyed this episode, it did force me to do some introspection on a very sore subject of my life—my Instagram story game is definitely not lit. I barely know how to use Focus, I can never find the right emoji for the occasion, my stickers stick to the wrong parts of my video, and don’t even get me started on Boomerang. It’s a mess. But after giving the premiere another view, I realized that Abbi and Ilana have provided me with all the tools I need for that perfect story, and I am going to share them with you. We’re all in this together.
How to make your Instagram story gucci ( are people still saying that?) courtesy of Abbi and Ilana:
Every perfect story starts off with the perfect attire. For some of you that might mean blue bodycon dresses, but if we’re playing by Abbi and Ilana’s handbook, which we always are, then to get the most lit story you’ll need to bring out the athliesure. Personally, I’d opt for the sparkly spandex co-ord and platform sandals, but you can go a little more on-brand. Whatever you choose, make sure to have a one of those water bottle backpacks— what you choose to fill it with is all you.
If you’re like the rest of millenials, then a good IG story will probably include some type of meal, and by “some type” I obviously mean brunch. Sure you can snap a photo of your eggs and Boomerang your mimosas, but have you thought about adding that little something extra? A good “fingerskating” introlude could do wonders for your social media cred. Need some suggestions? How about Adam Rippon’s 2018 short program performance? I’ve already got half of it memorized and a sore index finger to prove it.
A new do
Any Instagram story can be instantly upgraded with an impromptu glowup. Just make sure it’s not culturally insensitive in any way.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget that social media lives aren’t exactly like regular lives. We can’t put dog ears on our late rent payments. So take some time and ad a bit of realness to your stories with some needed introspection. Will you actually be working in Anthropologie forever? I mean, I wouldn’t give that wonderland up. But I get it if your #goals don’t involve monogrammed mugs and scented candles.
Watch where you walkin’, buddy. Or don’t. Internet culture doesn’t care about safety.
If you live in New York City you’ve probably, on at least one occasion, heard someone yell “Hey, watch where you’re walkin’.” I, myself, have shouted it on a number of occasions. While it is rude to yell at strangers on the street, it is pretty good advice for the generation of folks glued to their phones while trying to make it through traffic. But, the internet doesn’t care about that. Sure you might walk into a pole, get side swiped by a car, bump into an intern carrying 10 chai lattes, or fall into a manhole. But those unsafe experiences will only make your viewers love you more. So forget self-preservation and keep the camera rolling.
Special Lisa Frank appearance is a must.
Pretty self explanatory.
Contribute to American debt.
What could be more riveting than watching a person sink themselves into more debt? I mean, it’s all part of the American dream. Hit up every store you can and open a credit card, the Internet will love your financial ineptitude.
Find a toddler save a toddler.
If there’s no Liam Neeson action, then what’s it all for?
The most important part.
History “fake news”
Your followers want to feel one of two ways 1) Smarter than you or 2) That they’re learning something and not just wasting their time. The best way to do that is throw out some facts, doesn’t matter if they are completely made up or you forgot where the Titanic actually docked. People aren’t on social media for the truth. Plus, if our president can do it…
Finally, a stop by Trump Tower to take care of some business
Speaking of our president… sometimes a good swing by the golden clad tower to unleash some profanity isn’t just needed, but makes for good #content.
So there you have it. Everything you need to go from zero to hero on social media has all been provided by Abbi and Ilana. But maybe put down the phone and experience some IRL action. Smell the roses. See a sunset not through your screen. Talk to your friends. Or whatever, who am I kidding? See you on Instagram.