So, here we are again. Thank you for joining me for another night of slagging off Sky’s latest attempts at prime-time edutainment. Nobody else bothered, so I really appreciate it.
I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. It’s only 7:48pm, after all, and I’m not supposed to say what I think about the product or programme I’m reviewing until I’ve at least watched it, so I’ll sit here for another hour and look at my Sea Monkeys swimming round and round and round.
Okay, that’s over. If I can get through this godawful trailer for Teenage Wives we’ll nearly be there. Oh hang on, it is Teenage Wives. I’m on the wrong channel. There we go.
Right, it appears we’re still in ‘ultra-competitive birdwatching’ mode and we’ve still got the same team captains. Apparently, this amazing competition will test the contestants’ patience, which I don’t doubt for a second given that it’s tested mine for the last fortnight. Stephen K Amos (who?) is Alex’s team-mate and Camilla Dallerup (double who?) is with Jeff. This is like Groundhog Day.
So we’re photographing a gannet first. I have Wikipediaed this for your information and discovered they are closely related to boobies…hehehehehe. That’s the first laugh I’ve had in three episodes, so we’re winning. “How hard can it be to take a picture?” asks Stephen. Well, quite – and how exciting can it be to watch?
Gannet chicks are quite amusing and look like the pile of bubbles on top of the washing-up. Amos once performed in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Ha. I see what they did there. Advert break.
More gannets. Christ, it’s only 9:18. They managed to take some photographs and this gets a thumbs-up. Camilla has won and we have a bonus round involving writing poetry. Again.
Drawing birds now, crossed with orienteering. Sadly, nobody appears to be navigating off a cliff or into quicksand. I can’t help but feel that this section would benefit from having a lunatic with a chainsaw chasing the teams across the car park. Advert break.
I’ve got distracted discovering Hearts of Space music shows, and I’ve looked back to see that Bill is dressed in one of those big yellow tarpaulin things favoured by cod fishermen. They’ve got to go on a boat and Stephen looks very ill. Doesn’t stop him making bird noises, though. Advert break.
It’s the final part and, apparently, it’s been a ‘precarious journey’, presumably in that my attention is precariously balanced between needing to watch this and wanting to go and download some music. I think they’ve sneaked another round in, as this feels considerably longer than before.
I now realise that I have seen Stephen Amos on Have I Got News For You, which means I can stop thinking about it. In fact, I’ve just stopped thinking.
“That’s it!” says Bill. Just as well, because I can’t even remember what happened in the last two rounds. Short of cancelling this series early, where on earth do we go from here?
Check out our review of episode 2 here.