How To Be James Bond in 10 (Not So Easy) Steps

After seeing Skyfall this weekend you may decide you’d like a change in career. This whole secret agent thing doesn’t look too difficult. And you could totally do it. Well here are the steps you will probably need to take in order to make your dream come true.

1. Become a British spy

In order to be James Bond we are guessing you are going to need to change employment. Not that your job doing data entry for a law agency with thirty-names in the title isn’t exciting. It just isn’t James Bond. So how exactly does one become a member of Her Majesty’s Secret Service? It is actually much easier than one would think if you are a British national. The Secret Intelligence Service describes the attributes of the perfect spy as “The simple ability to get on with all sorts of people from all kinds of cultures, for example. To talk and to listen. To develop the sort of relationship that means you can convince them to do what’s needed to protect our national interests.” So perhaps all those skills you learned from being a receptionist will finally come in handy. You can apply at this website

https://www.sis.gov.uk/careers/roles/intelligence-officers.html

2. Learn to seduce women

Once you’ve gotten your M16 job the next thing you are going to need to work on is your skills with the ladies. Unless you are incredibly suave like the author of this article you may need some tips. Men’s Health gives some good pointers. The first step to seducing a woman is exuding confidence. Note that says “confidence” and not “cockiness.” If you aren’t into yourself why should she be? You never see James Bond intimidated by a beautiful woman and neither should you be! One of the best ways to show off your charm is to make her laugh. It gets you noticed and breaks the ice. For a full list of tips on seducing women check out

http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/how-seduce-beautiful-woman

3. Make the perfect martini

Put down the coffee mug of Mr. Boston and listen up. If James Bond knows one thing it is a good drink. We all know he prefers his martinis shaken and certainly not stirred. But what does that even mean? How do you make a martini that 007 himself would be proud to drink? The first thing to note is that James Bond likes his martini made with vodka instead of the traditional gin. The shaken not stirred part isn’t just some fancy wording. According to Expert Enough, the shaking process introduces oxygen into the drink creating a stronger taste. The first thing you want to ensure is that you have ice on hand. When it comes to martinis the colder the better. Use your classiest martini glass: put in some of the ice and pour a capful of vermouth on top of the ice. Next, grab your shaker and fill it with 3 ice cubes and 3 oz of vodka (James Bond used Smirnoff). Shake for about 30 seconds. Expert Enough suggests letting is sit for a minute or two and shaking it again. The ice is going to water down the martini (which is a good thing). The last step is to serve the martini. For extra class add a lemon peel. For more instruction visit http://expertenough.com/65/james-bond-martini

4. Dress To Impress

With your martini making skills you are on your way to impress just about anyone. But you also need to get out of the sweatpants and start dressing like a gentleman. GQ Magazine shares plenty of tips on formalwear. One of the most important things is to find a suit that fits you. There is nothing less flattering than a suit that is too small or too large. Conventional collars are create a timeless feel. Next, there is nothing sexier than an incredible pair of suspenders (“braces” if you happen to be across the pond). It adds to the classic feel of the outfit. Don’t be afraid of accessories like cuff links, bowties and a classy trenc hcoat. For more tips check out:

http://www.gq.com/how-to/fashion/200711/black-tie-slideshow#slide=1

5. Learn Russian

The cold war may be over but James Bond is still going to want to know how to order a martini in Russian. Russian is not necessarily an easy language for the native English speaker. Russian uses the Cyrillic alphabet. So you’re going to want to find someone to practice speaking with (James Bond would prefer a sexy Russian bad girl – and don’t underestimate the sexiness of speaking Russian, remember A Fish Called Wanda?). You can take classes, join clubs, and even travel to Russia! For more tips on how to learn Russian if you find yourself in the Motherland:

http://matadornetwork.com/abroad/8-essential-tips-for-learning-russian/

6. Play cards

If you want to be James Bond you are going to have to learn a card game a little more sophisticated than “Go Fish.” One of the easiest and classiest games to start with is Blackjack. How Stuff Works has a great tutorial that will have you raking in the chips. The rules are very basic: face cards are all worth ten points; other cards are worth their numeric amount (a 3 = 3 points). The object is to get the closest to 21 points without going over. Going over 21 points is an automatic loss. While this sounds easy there is a certain wisdom gained over time. And when you start betting money (at a casino) there are other skills you are going to have to develop. For more information on learning Blackjack check out: http://entertainment.howstuffworks.com/how-to-play-blackjack.htm

7. Learn to treat a gunshot wound

Perhaps we should have mentioned earlier that being James Bond can be somewhat dangerous. His enemies have attempted to poison him, decapitate him with a hat and kill him with lasers. But mostly, they shoot at him. And once you’ve become a suave M16 agent they may shoot at you too. If you can treat the gunshot wound you can live to “die another day.” And LifeHacker has all the answers for us. The first step is to call for help. You think James Bond doesn’t have backup?! If you are able to, apply pressure to the wound to stop the bleeding. We know you’re a badass but don’t try to pull the bullet out. Sometimes that is the only thing keeping the blood in. But mostly CALL FOR HELP. You can die very quickly from a gunshot wound. For more information:

http://lifehacker.com/5841512/how-to-survive-a-gunshot-wound

8. Learn to fight

While you are busy getting shot at you may want to learn how to fight. Hand-to-hand combat will be very useful in tight situations. James Bond is the master at this. There are pressure points on the human body that are key to winning any fight. For instance you may be able to knock an enemy out with a direct hit to the forehead. A hit to the eyes can debilitate your enemy quite badly. And if you can manage to break their nose they will be down for the count temporarily. If you can’t get a hit on the upper body a strong kick to the knees or the crotch can be very painful. When you hit, make sure you are using either your elbow or the palm of your hand. Both of these areas can create a great deal of pain. For more tips visit:

http://www.crimepreventiontips.org/self-defense-methods/hand-to-hand-combat-basic-techniques.html

9. Take control of the situation

Learning to fight is very important but James Bond isn’t always throwing himself into fights. Most of the time he is charming enough to control a situation. James Bond’s charisma has taken him much farther in his spy career than his fighting skills. So how exactly do you become charming? The first step is to become interested in your subject: listen to their words; watch their body language. Both can clue you into how you will guide a situation in the direction you’d like it to go. Another tip Wiki How emphasizes is controlling the tone of your voice. If you’re trying to be seductive, don’t shout. If you are trying to be firm use a steady tone of voice. Maintain steady eye contact and a warm body posture. This will invite people to speak more (and perhaps give away his/her master plan): http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Charming

10. Trust you instincts 

James Bond didn’t become the greatest member of Her Majesty’s Secret Service through just skills though. One of the things that James Bond has that many of us will never be able to acquire is instinct and the ability to trust his instinct. He always seems to know when something is about to go wrong. He always seems to make the right move. So can we learn to trust our instincts? Sure thing. First we must listen to our bodies. They often know something is wrong long before our brains start rationalizing it away. And while rationality is essential to being James Bond, so is instinct. Letting the two of them play together is the way to make a perfect spy: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2093515/How-trust-instincts-In-business-relationships-dilemmas-listen-inner-voice.html

Okay, granted, all this clearly would go much easier, smoothly if you looked like Daniel Craig.  But hey, those of us who aren’t Craig must forge ahead with what Mother Nature did give us and do the work necessary to achieve our 007 status.  Get started people!