Stardew Valley: The Funniest Moments

This Stardew Valley article contains major spoilers.

There are so many ways to play Stardew Valley that it’s quite possible to sink 100+ hours into the game and not see even half the cutscenes it has to offer. I mean, who needs to go for dinner with Jodi, or take part in the Luau – you’re too busy watering thousands of parsnips and following Shane around, amirite?

If this sounds like you, then it might be a good idea to play through a save with the intention of befriending everyone and seeing all their heart events, taking part in all the town festivals, and generally being a fine upstanding member of the Pelican Town community. Well, maybe apart from the Luau… I’ll get to that.

There are all kinds of cutscenes in Stardew Valley – some are heartwarming, some are heartbreaking, and some are downright hilarious. Here are the scenes that regularly cause my sides to kick the bucket…

Clint and Emily Advertise Joja Bluu

When and where? Shane’s 7 heart event. Head to town between 10 am and 4 pm on a sunny day. (You also need 2 hearts with Clint and Emily.)

Poor Clint (or as I like to call him, Sir Clint of the Friendzone). The local blacksmith is on a seemingly neverending quest to woo ditzy and oblivious barmaid Emily. As the farmer, you can choose to help him get over his shyness and finally ask her out. Or, you can marry Emily right under his nose. Them’s the breaks I guess.

In this scene, Shane has a new video camera, which he’s using to enter Joja Mart’s advert competition. His advert involves Emily and a red-faced, stuttering Clint having a discussion about Joja Bluu, a new energy drink which “doesn’t cause significant erosion of the stomach lining.” And it’s cheaper than water!

Also – although not really canon – in a fan mod that lets the player marry Clint, the modder chose this portrait as Clint’s “depressed” face:

Dude.

Willy’s Got Crabs

When and where? Willy’s 6 heart event. Go to the beach between 6 am and 5:10 pm

This scene is brand new, courtesy of the 1.3 update. Once you’ve reached a high enough level of friendship with local fisherman Willy, you turn up at his shop one day to discover he has a problem, and would you mind helping him out?

What on earth can it be, you wonder. Judging by Willy’s reaction, it’s either pirates or an unexploded bomb.

Nope. Turns out Willy’s crab breeding experiment (a nice reference to one of the other events) has gone horribly wrong, and now the place has been taken over by the orange buggers. Luckily, you and Gus, Pelican Town’s chef extraordinaire, are on hand to clear things up. Of note is Gus’ evil yet practical aside to you – “Don’t tell Willy, but I’ll be having a special on crab cakes at the Saloon.” Congratulations, I think you just helped with a mass murder.

Emily’s Dance

When and where? Emily’s 6 heart event. Go to Emily’s house.

Emily is so New Age she’s a week last Tuesday. (Shut up, it made sense in my head.) As such, one of the ways you bond with her is by witnessing her new, spiritual dance routine. She urges you to “allow yourself to be carried away to a better place,” and then… well, I think someone spikes your Tizer.

The dance is awesome enough, but the best bit is the choice of response the player has afterwards:

I’ve never picked option 3 because I am not a serial killer. One day I will, when I hate myself as a person.

The Bear

When and where? Find Secret Note #23: the bear has a request.

Another 1.3 newcomer, this is a charming little scene in which you meet a bear who can’t spell (although I’d say he can spell pretty well for a bear) and wants to get his hands on some maple syrup. As of the 1.3 update’s PC release, the bear is fast becoming one of SDV‘s best-loved characters, despite only appearing briefly. I suspect the reason for this is the bear’s portraits, which imply he is the Ron Jeremy of the Secret Woods:

And who am I to argue. I’m not implying I’d have sex with a bear, though. I’m also not implying that I’d have sex with Ron Jeremy.

Pierre vs. Morris

When and where? Complete the Community Center.

When you complete SDV‘s main storyline and restore the Community Centre to its former glory, you are rewarded with one of two scenes. In the middle of the grand reopening, the game’s antagonist, Joja Mart boss Morris, turns up and tries to stick a spanner in the works. He’s still determined to drive shopkeeper Pierre out of business. Pierre’s having none of it.

The player has two choices when they intervene:

If you’re leaning towards “Let’s settle this the old fashioned way,” then you are cool and rad and I would like to be your friend. Selecting this option leads Pierre and Morris to have a fist fight, while Pierre’s wife, Caroline, yells “Leave it, Steve, he’s not worth it,” town grump George eggs them on, and Willy… well, Willy doesn’t notice because he’s staring at the fish tank the entire time.

Did I mention Pierre used to be a boxer? I think we can all figure out how this one ends.

“To the Moon, Alice!”

Dinner with Jodi

When and where? Jodi’s 4 heart event. Jodi turns up at your house.

NB: if I accidentally refer to Jodi as “Newman,” it’s because I call her that in my head – she pissed me off once when I was watching a lot of Seinfeld.

Anyway, your new BFF Jodi invites you for dinner! That’s nice, isn’t it? Except she asks you to bring YOUR OWN BLOODY DINNER.

“Oh by the way, will you stop whatever you’re doing and go catch a specific fish that’s quite hard to catch, and then bring it over? Other than that, tonight’s totally on me!”

Shut up, Jodi.

My farmer obviously agrees with me, because when she turns up with the fish, she also delivers a sick burn:

“There’s your stupid fish, now pick it up off the floor, you lazy bitch.”

You make me work? You get floor dinner.

The Mayor’s Underpants in the Soup

When and where? Summer 3: you’ll get a letter from Mayor Lewis.

Long-time SDV players will know of the illicit affair between shopkeeper Marnie and Lewis, the Mayor of Pelican Town. Why their affair has to be kept secret has never really been explained, other than “it would undermine Lewis’ position of authority in the town.” Yeah whatev. Personally, I think he’s seeing Robin the carpenter on the side.

Regular players will also know of an early-game quest – Lewis sends you a note, asking you to please retrieve his lost undies, which are – surprise surprise – in Marnie’s bedroom. Why he can’t just go and get them himself remains a mystery.

The point is that you, the farmer, end up in possession of the Mayor’s underpants. What you do with them is a matter for your conscience. You could give them straight back if you were a boring div. Or, you could display them at the annual Stardew Valley Fair:

Or – and fans are over the moon that Eric has added this for 1.3 – you could put them in the communal soup at the town Luau. Admittedly, this does take some sacrifice on your part, as the town will end up hating you a bit, but let’s face it – if you wanted people to like you, you would have given the underpants straight back.

I love how the Governor somehow manages to get the underpants IN HIS BOWL without noticing.

Dwarf and Krobus Fight

When and where? Earn 50 friendship points with Dwarf, buy a Stardrop from Krobus, then enter the sewer.

The town’s two resident otherwordly beings, shadow brute Krobus and dwarf, erm, Dwarf, have a long history of war between their factions. This comes to a head when Dwarf stumbles on Krobus’ shop in the sewers. The farmer walks in on the pair settling their age-old conflict by going at it like Jeremy Kyle contestants:

“Come and get it, shrimpy.” Krobus wins on sass alone. Two of the most terrifying beings in the Ferngill Republic settle things by bitch slapping each other. Also, how is Krobus bitch-slapping anyone when he has no arms?

Elliott and Gus at the Saloon

When and where? Elliott’s 4 heart event. Enter the Saloon between 3 pm and 10 pm.

I think we can all agree that Elliott is the town’s most prominent Victorian hipster. As the farmer, I’m not necessarily laughing at him, but I actually am most of the time. Elliott’s flowery, archaic one-liners are loved by SDV fans, but something that perhaps doesn’t get enough credit is Gus’ reaction to one of them. Note that you have to play as a female farmer to trigger this.

Elliott: “Bartender! Fetch me your finest ale. And bring some wine for the lady.”

Gus:

My thoughts exactly, Gus.

Stick some love for Pelican Town in the comments…

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