The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 6, “Beyond the Wall.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
1. The Night King
If this whole “destroy mankind” thing doesn’t work out, The Night King definitely has a future ahead of him throwing the javelin. Did you see that form?! Out there like Zeus tossing thunderbolts. The Night King probably hustles people at darts at the local Keep. Now, I don’t understand why he didn’t take out the dragon that all of our heroes were using to escape, but still, this dude basically made a dragon explode! Then he gets his lackeys to pull the beast out of the lake and transforms the sucker into an ice dragon. You know how many cool points you get for having an ice dragon?! All of the cool points, you get them all. He may have had Jon Snow and Co. like a sitting duck and let them slip away, but an ice dragon heals all wounds. God, even typing ice dragon has got me pumped.
2. Benjen Stark
If I would have followed Jon Snow through his time as a member of the Night’s Watch, all of the moping, the cave bangin’, Hardhome, the death and the resurrection, just to watch my guy freeze to death and/or be mauled by skeletons, I would have been very upset. So I was quite relieved when ol’Cold Hands swooped in to save the day. Anytime a Stark is being run down by wights, Benjen just miraculously appears, but I’m not complaining. Look, I should dock points because he needlessly sacrifices himself. “Come with me.” “There’s no time.” Yes there is, literally all you need to do is climb on the horse too, come on. Still, Benjen was the MVP for the Living Team because he didn’t get a dragon killed (sorry Dany) and he seemed pretty ready to call it quits. Life behind the wall was like some frozen purgatory, and saving Jon Snow allowed Benjen to be released.
3. Tormund Giantsbane
As soon as my favorite Wildling starting ripping off meaty lines of dialogue, I prepared to start saying my goodbyes. Surely the Thrones writers were giving us quality time with Tormund because this would be the last episode that we would spend with the ginger. Hearing Tormund’s wish to breed with Brienne of Tarth was the high point of the episode (sorry, Ice Dragon) and out of the Snocean’s Seven crew, Tormund was clearly out there having the most fun. This crazy bastard also gave me the biggest scare in the episode, as I really thought he was going to be dragged into the water to his death before the Hound saved him. Really, everyone in the Snowicide Squad that came back alive should be designated as winners, Tormund just had the funniest lines, the savage in a group of Savages.
4. Jon Snow
You may be short, but inexplicably defeating zombies while six feet deep without a weapon and those sexy stab wound scars seem to have swayed your aunt into wanting to hook up with you. Niiiiice. Look, I know the potential incestual relationship between Jon and Don’t Call Her Dany gives a lot of people the heebie jeebies, but stop being a prude! Targaryens have been getting dirty with clean bloodlines for centuries and what these two don’t know about Jon’s true parentage won’t hurt them. Let these crazy kids live! I’m partially kidding. Besides bending the knee and Dany’s reservations, Jon Snow miraculously survived another awful encounter with The Night King, and even though his plan was moronic, he succeeded in bringing back proof for Cersei. He also learned some vital info about the wights’ connection to the White Walkers, so I’m comfortable calling this a win for Jon Snow.
Not only is Gendry excellent at rowing, he’s also a cross country star! You know, between him, The Night King, the shot put potential we saw from the Hound idiotically throwing that stone, and Jon Snow’s swimming abilities (the wrestling he must have been able to pull off under the water at least qualifies him for water polo) I think Westeros could represent at the Olympics. Anyway, being the small, quick guy really paid off for Gendry, as he avoided being stranded on that rock and having to fight for his life against the horde of the undead. Gendry got to hightail it back to Eastwatch and demand the fastest raven in the world immediately be sent to Dany. I just hope he gets his hammer back.
1. Daenerys Targaryen
Ignoring the council of her advisors again, Dany put her life, along with her dragon’s lives, on the line for a plan that was misguided and doomed to begin with. That impulsive move ended up costing her Viserion, one of her three children. Heartbroken and completely shook, Dany now knows exactly how real the threat Beyond The Wall is, it’s just too bad it took this to get there. Perhaps this is the blow that will finally humble Dany and bring her back to being the Khaleesi who was noble, empathetic, and inspiring instead of the impetuous enfant terrible she’s been lately. Oh, she also unknowingly is falling for her nephew. Gross.
2. Thoros of Myr
The Lord of Light may have plans for Beric, Jon, and even the Hound, but no more plans for you, homie. I’m sincerely surprised that Thoros was the only member of the crew to get offed. This far along in the game, I would have bet my money on people dropping like flies, but instead we’ve just been sparingly losing B-listers like Thoros. And you know what’s worse than getting mauled by a zombie? Getting mauled by a zombie bear. Tough break, pal. Ugh, he didn’t even die from his wounds either, he had to get them cauterized, which likely sucked ass too, and then he froze to death. Talk about Murphy’s Law. Watch out, Beric Dondarrion, because now that your buddy is gone, there’s no one left to bring you back to life again.
3. Nameless Members of Jon Snow’s Crew
Did I make it sound like Thoros was the only person that died? Because he totally wasn’t, he was just the only person that we knew the name of that died. Jon Snow led a bunch of warrior extras to the slaughter. Our heroes were looking out for each other, but not these poor saps who got ravaged out there Beyond the Wall. The Hound goes out of his way to save Tormund and then minutes later everyone just watches as some unlucky soul is torn to pieces by a crowd of wights. These guys were basically like monster bait to protect characters that we know. I would have loved if one random guy survived all of this too. Like if The Hound and everyone were riding Drogon and talking like, “Yo, that shit was crazy,” and then we cut to this nameless guy and he’s like, “Dude, I know,” and drags a cigarette. Alas, that did not happen.
4. Arya Stark
Now, technically Arya likely achieved her own goals of totally scaring the shit out of her sister and making her live in fear, but c’mon girl. There’s a strong possibility that Arya is pretending throughout all of this in a long con to oust Littlefinger, but if she isn’t, this is a seriously boneheaded reaction to the letter she found. Robb and Catelyn Stark easily shrugged off the contents of the letter as Cersei’s machinations, so why is someone as smart as Arya getting worked up about it? Then again, my siblings can drive me absolutely crazy and past the point of rational thought as well, so maybe Arya’s psychotic flexing on Sansa can be forgiven, but the Starks have enough enemies, they really shouldn’t be squabbling amongst themselves.
5. Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion may be the Hand of the Queen and Dany’s “most trusted advisor,” but by watching this season, it certainly doesn’t feel like it. For the past few weeks, Tyrion can’t offer any sort of advice without being accused of looking out for his family’s best interest before The Queen of Dragon’s. In this episode, Tyrion can’t offer a single suggestion without being reminded of his past strategic failures or having Dany snap at him. Oh, and if you were one of those theorists who believed Dany, Jon, and Tyrion would each have their own dragon to ride, I’d kiss those dreams goodbye. Tyrion mainly just wanted to know what Dany’s plan is for a line of succession, in a conversation that seemed to foreshadow that something horrible was going to happen, and Daenerys basically bit his head off. This relationship really needs some work.
Beric Dondarrion – The Lord of Light loves this guy. – WINNER
Sansa Stark – I wouldn’t want Arya mad at me. – LOSER
The Hound – He just had to throw that rock. – LOSER
Jorah Mormont – Did not fall of the dragon. – WINNER
Brienne of Tarth – Sent to King’s Landing, a Stark loyalist in Lannister waters. – LOSER
Viserion – Maybe just joined the winning team? – NO DECISION
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