The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 3, “The Queen’s Justice.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
Cersei Lannister is built for war. When Littlefinger was giving his speech to Sansa about preparing for every possible scenario so as to not be surprised by anything, it sort of felt like he was describing Season 7 Cersei. Looking like a young Rob Halford, Cersei was shades of Tywin dealing with the Iron Bank, hitting Tycho with a very smug, “Yeah yeah, you’ll get your money.” She also turned up to another level of cruelty with the whole Sand Snake situation, but since it’s revenge for innocent Myrcella, I’ll allow it. During that whole scene I honestly knew what was up cause I was like “girrrrrl that is sooo not your shade of lipstick,” amiright? She hatched the plan to sack Highgarden and surrender Casterly Rock as a decoy, bringing Dany’s army down another peg, and she also gives zero shits about people knowing that she bumps uglies with her bro. If this were NBA Jam, Cersei would be on fire.
Goddamn Pilou Asbæk for making me like Euron Greyjoy. We totally have no need for a campy villain to swoop in during the eleventh hour and take screen time away from the characters we’re invested in, but here Asbæk is, short of twirling his mustache, and making me love every second of it. Euron has the swagger Daario Naharis thinks he has. Soaking up the adulation from the crowd and punking Jaime Lannister AGAIN, Euron has just been running up the score three weeks in a row. Hell, the guy even has a magical teleporting fleet. Now, I think it’s pretty inevitable that this guy meets his maker before the season is over, but he’s having the most fun in the Seven Kingdoms and it’s pretty infectious.
Now on to the guy who’s having the least fun in the Seven Kingdoms. Always. Jon Snow, no list of titles, is winning at more than brooding this week, as he eventually got Dany to allow him to mine Dragonglass on Dragonstone. However, it was sort of a rocky road to that agreement, but Jon stood firm and wouldn’t bend his knee to some foreign invader who frankly looks like she has no idea what she’s doing at the moment. But just because he made the right decision doesn’t mean he’s a master negotiator. He really needs to learn to ease into the whole “THE ARMY OF THE DEAD IS COMING TO KILL US ALL AND LEAVE YOU AS NOTHING MORE THAN A HEAP OF BONES” thing. I also have no earthly idea why he still feels the need to hide the fact that he came back to life. Maybe because that technically makes him undead too? It’s probably just because he’s so modest.
The King of the Friendzone is heading back to Dany’s orbit cured of his incurable greyscale. What magic did he use? Which ancient spell? Who was the foreign genius who performed such a mysterious procedure? Prepare to be underwhelmed, as all it took was a knife and some ointment supplied by a completely inexperienced novice maester. I’m surprised someone didn’t hit one of those annoying Staples “That was easy” buttons after it was all said and done. Think of all of the poor bastards sent to live out their lives as Stonemen when they could have just put on some glorified Neosporin. Tom Petty and I have said it before, but even the losers get lucky sometime. Now hurry to Dragonstone, Jorah. Daenerys needs someone who actually knows something about military strategy.
Even though she died, putting her in the Losers column just doesn’t feel right. Olenna Tyrell was an unadulterated gangster right up until her final moments. Confessing to the murder of Joffery and mocking the way he died was ruthless, especially after Jaime went out of his way to show Olenna mercy. She took some parting shots at the Kingslayer, Cersei, and even her own family. A straight shooter through and through, Olenna probably had the most dignified death, middle finger in the air as the poison took hold. The Queen of Thorns drew blood one last time. A loser in the Game of Thrones, a winner in our hearts.
She lost the aid of the Dornish, lost the Tyrell army and Hightower, stranded her Unsullied army at a castle they cannot hold on the other end of the continent, and doesn’t have the ships to move her aquaphobic Dothraki army across Blackwater Bay. So how’s her conquest of Westeros going? Not great, Bob. Even if she wasn’t epically blowing the equivalent of a 3-1 lead, she’d still be in the Losers column this week simply for the way she handled her meeting with Jon. She gives the wrong impression with all of her pompous titles and her quick to offense demeanor and she seriously misjudges just how much she needs the North now that her back is against the wall. Oh, we also know she’s caught up in the wrong fight altogether, but putting that fact aside, it’s still another down week for the Queen of Dragons. Hey, it wouldn’t be a story without a little descent, right?
Yikes. Bad day. I mean, not only are you going to watch your daughter die in front of your eyes and spend the rest of your miserable, dungeon-dwelling days watching her body decompose, but that also wasn’t even a bad enough fate to nab you the top spot. Ellaria Sand’s position at the end of this episode is infinitely worse than the one Dany is in, but c’mon, you have to have bigger significance in the grand scheme of things to be considered worthy of that top spot and the Sand Snakes just aren’t on that level. GoT creators David and Dan did Dorne dirty. Enjoy the view!
Bran and Sansa Stark
On the surface, good things happened to these two this week; Sansa proved to be a competent leader, even if her big, bright ideas were simply “hey, we need to feed people” and “it’s cold outside,” and Bran is back, safe at Winterfell. But what should have been a heartfelt reunion got weird fast, with Bran acting like Dr. Manhattan and, geez, I don’t know, evoking the worst, most disturbing day of his sister’s life for no apparent reason. I don’t care if you’re the Three Eye Raven, use a little common sense and decency, you freak. If you can see everything, you could see that this was super uncool, dude. This should have been cute and emotional and instead it was awkward and uncomfortable.
For someone so clever, Tyrion sure is being stupid. Sure, he used his old Hoe Door to break into Casterly Rock, but no one was home! You mean to tell me that the entire Lannister army marched to Highgarden completely undetected without you or someone in your ranks knowing about it? That’s a huge error. He also should have put some extra protection at Highgarden, seeing as they’re the richest stronghold and the one with all of the food and resources. Maybe the wine is starting to cloud the little one’s judgement. Completely underestimating his sister and slowly losing the goodwill he’s built with Dany, Tyrion really needs to get his shit together and channel the guy who masterminded the win at the Battle of the Blackwater.
It doesn’t matter if he took Highgarden, killed Olenna Tyrell, and had some (gag) quality time with his sister, Jaime is in a funk. Olenna and Euron Greyjoy completely disrespected the Golden Lion right to his face and he just absorbed both rounds of insults like a pure beta. Ollena admitted to killing his son and he just turned and walked away! I think I know how to help out the Kingslayer: bring back the red leather jacket! The coolest accessory in Westeros will surely bring his confidence back. Stylish, flashy, and sensible in any climate, this jacket will help Jaime get his groove back. People won’t even notice his missing hand when he’s wearing such fashionable outwear. How could you dog someone with such impeccable taste? Bring back the leather jacket, Jaime. You need it.
Samwell Tarly – “You cured the incurable! Now transcribe these documents.” – LOSER
Littlefinger – Great speech. – WINNER
Varys – He has to die in Westeros? What does that mean?! – LOSER
Theon Greyjoy – Alive, but not well. – LOSER
Davos Seaworth – Excuse his Fleabottom accent, but he’s the only one making any goddamn sense around here. – WINNER
Grey Worm – At least it’s a nice castle. – LOSER
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