The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners and Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 2, and “Home.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
1. Jon Snow
JON SNOW IS BACK! From the top of the losers list to cream of the winners crop just like that! All Jonny boy needed was a little haircut, his whiskers trimmed, and a sponge bath from a desperate woman speaking in tongues to start breathing again. Honestly, everything I’ve ever learned about storytelling told me that it wasn’t a matter of how, it was a matter of when, and I’m glad that Jon Snow was resurrected sooner rather than later. Now, on to Winterfell!
So Melisandre was pretty much broken down, vulnerable, basically with her swag turned all the way down for the entire episode. Like, if Melisandre birthing a murderous smoke baby is a 10 out of 10 on the swag scale, then Ms. Closet Hag was at like a 2 tonight.
But you know that the Red Woman is going to be all kinds of stoked when she finds out that she brought Jon Snow back from the dead. The flames tell no lies; Jon Snow will walk the battlements at Winterfell. Melisandre may not know it, but she’s the real MVP this week.
3. Ramsay Bolton
A mad dog with the North at his disposal, ol’Toad Face Bolton went for the jugular in the “Despicable Son of a Bitch” competition this week. Old favorites to win, like Joffrey Baratheon (R.I.P.), now look like child’s play by comparison. Ramsay offed Daddy Dearest very unceremoniously, then brutally fed his step mother and half brother to the hounds like Beggin’ Strips. With the Karstraks on his side and the Umbers under his thumb, Ramsay is currently ruling the North like Ivan the Terrible on meth.
4. Edd, Tormund Giantsbane, and the Wildlings
Did anyone ever think that Edd, the guy that told a touching story about how loud his mother farted when she died back in Season 2, would lead a Wildling resistance with the help of Tormund Giantsbane to save Jon Snow and the loyal Night’s Watchman? I love when secondary characters step up to the plate, and this moment ranks with the best of them. Grenn and Pyp were always the more popular Snow cronies, and Mance Rayder and Ygritte were the only Wildlings you truly cared about, so it’s nice to see these two leftovers come front and center to save the day and send Alliser Thorne, lil’killer Olly and the rest of traitors to their cells.
5. Bran Stark
Ok, so Bran didn’t really do much this week and this spot most likely belongs to Euron Greyjoy (Who? Exactly, we’ll wait to get better acclimated with the Iron Island’s new bad boy), but we haven’t seen Bran in 11 episodes, so we have to celebrate our homie somehow. Bran is basically in the X-Men now, he’s completely tapped into the Weirwood, learning from the Three-Eyed Raven, and visiting the past like it’s no big deal.
Bran has a ton of potential to shake things up drastically, even the creepy little Child of the Forest thinks so. Serving as a window to the past, Bran will be our way to deny or confirm some of the most cherished fan theories. Finally, here comes a winning streak for a Stark.
1. Roose Bolton
Karma’s a bitch, eh Roose? One of the key perpetrators of The Red Wedding got a taste of his own medicine this week after being knifed in the belly by his eldest son. To make matters worse, he received the surprise stabbing immediately after learning that he had become a father once again.
Roose has been a conniving, unscrupulous opportunist, but next to his once bastard, now legitimized son, Papa Bolton was Mother Teresa. “Our blades are sharp,” are the words of House Bolton, maybe Roose forgot.
2. Ser Alliser Thorne, Olly, and the traitorous Brothers of the Night’s Watch
Nobody was going to mess with that Giant. Well, one guy tried, but his brains became paint on The Wall. Right before Alliser Thorne and his cronies were about to smash down the door and snuff out the last bit of hope surviving at The Wall, Edd and a whole mess of Wildings returned to turn the tables. These bozos better enjoy those jail cells while they can, because I can’t imagine that the resurrected Lord Commander takes to kindly to betrayal.
3. Balon Greyjoy
You know, that miserly old piss-panted jerk. No, not that one – we’re talking about Theon’s father, Head of House Greyjoy, the last survivor in the War of the Five Kings. It’s been a while since we caught up with this old curmudgeon, and our time checking back in was brief. Balon’s never before seen brother Euron returned to Pyke to chuck his brother off the most poorly planned bridge in the entire realm. Ol’ Balon is sleeping with the Drowned God now, and the future of the Iron Islands is completely up in the air.
4. Jaime Lannister
After talking some sense into his soft son, Jaime tried to flex a little bit on the High Sparrow and totally got put in his place. I mean, it’s not like he was mauled by a pack of wild dogs or anything, but Jaime Lannister isn’t an easy man to intimidate, even the handless version of the man.
The fact that the Sparrow could so easily heat check the Kingslayer really speaks to how powerful the Faith Militant has become. I mean, Jaime was shook. Not a good look, Lion.
5. Walda Bolton & Baby Bolton
Look, calling these two losers seems a bit gross, but we’re going to have to make some ugly distinctions here in this feature. These poor, innocent souls suffered one of the more memorable deaths on the show, and that’s not a small feat. There was no way in hell that it was ever going to work out for these bystanders.
Thank the Seven that we didn’t actually have to watch the mauling first hand. The screams were plenty, thanks.
Euron Greyjoy – He talks like a Scottish frat boy who just ate mushrooms for the first time and he’s got crazy written all over him. He offed his brother in a very memorable entrance. If it wasn’t for Bran Flakes, he’d be up there where he belongs. – WINNER
Arya Stark – A girl is not a beggar anymore. – WINNER
Meera Reed – While Bran is warging, Hodor and that freaky Child of the Forest can’t be great company. – LOSER
Ser Davos Seaworth – Gave a hell of a pep talk and didn’t even have to fight. – WINNER
Reek…wait…Theon Greyjoy – He’s going home, which is probably better in theory than reality. Let the fantasy live. – WINNER
Cersei Lannister – Couldn’t even attend her own daughter’s funeral. – LOSER
Tyrion Lannister – Wasn’t eaten by dragons. – WINNER
Yara Greyjoy – Wait, what the hell is the kingsmoot? – LOSER
Drunk Peasant – Like the poor guy that messed with the giant above, this fool also had his brains sprayed on a wall this week. – LOSER