Entertainment Weekly recently published a list of what they considered to be the worst lines of dialogue in movies ever. They’re pretty bad. But I’ve seen worse.
The problem with making a worst-of list is that it’s impossible to see all the dregs. Even considering the amount of low budget horror crap I watch, there’s more out there. There’s piles and piles of stuff I won’t touch because I know it’ll suck (Norbit, anyone?) and those movies undoubtedly contain lines that just should not be uttered by anyone on Earth ever. Keeping up with the avalanche of straight-to-video shit in the world now isn’t possible. So even this doesn’t constitute a “worst” list. Just a “pretty fucking dreadful” list. Keeping all those caveats in mind, onto the list!
13. Serenity (2005) “I aim to misbehave.”
Even in the trailer, this line sounded awkward. In context, it sounded worse. How did Serenity manage to suck so much when Firefly was so utterly brilliant?
12. The Ring Two (2005) “I’m not your fucking Mommy!”
Not improved by Naomi Watts’ delivery.
11. Roman (2006) “What the shit you do, y’ain’t got no TV?”
A coworker eloquently expresses his shock at discovering that Roman doesn’t own a television. In what almost sounds like one word. Boggling.
10. House of the Dead (2003) “We finally got to the boat, but it wasn’t there!”
Then clearly you didn’t get to it, did you?
9. Doom (2005) “Semper fi, motherfucker!”
“Always faithful, motherfucker”? Er. What?
8. Hellbreeder (2004) “Are you sure you saw what you think you thought you saw?”
Er. Yes? No? What’s the right answer here?
7. Jawbreaker (1999) “Some of the sweetest candies are sour as death inside.”
One of the worst police officers ever utters this nonsense in the middle of a discussion about a high school murder carried out using… a jawbreaker. This movie sucked. (Sucked – like you suck candy? Get it? Okay, then.)
6. Pulse (2006) “Do you know what dying tastes like? Metal.”
5. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003) “I hoped I’d get to nail you one more time. Didn’t think it’d be literally.”
Where do you start with this movie? Urghhhhhh. There’s nothing good about it, but this was particularly cringeworthy.
4. Chopper Chicks in Zombietown (1991) “You don’t want TV, you want coitus!”
But Doctor Who‘s on!
3. The Wicker Man (2006) “No! Not the bees! Nooooo! Not the bees! My eyes! Arghhhhhhh! Arghhhhhh! Arghhhhhh!”
Nicolas Cage in this movie is… umm… well, he’s a revelation. I’ll leave it at that.
2. Troll 2 (1990) “You can’t piss on hospitality.”
After a child has, actually, pissed all over some food to stop his family eating it. In fairness, it was covered in evil troll goo. And piss.
1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005) “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
The worst thing ever. The worst. There has never been anything worse than this in cinema ever. Never.
(For what it’s worth, here’s Entertainment Weekly’s list:
Notting Hill (1999) “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”
Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith (2005) “Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo.”
Jerry Maguire (1996) “You complete me.”
Ever After (1998) “A bird may love a fish, signore, but where will they live?”
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992) “I’m gone, like a turkey in the corn. Gobble gobble!”
X-Men (2000) “You know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.”
Sin City (2005) “My warrior woman. My valkyrie. You’ll always be mine, always and never. Never. The Fire, baby. It’ll burn us both. It’ll kill us both. There’s no place in this world for our kind of fire.”
Pretty Woman (1990) “And she rescues him right back.”
She’s All That (1999) “I feel just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. You know, except for the whole hooker thing.”
Love Story (1970) “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
A Cry in the Dark (1988) “A dingo ate my baby!”
As Good as It Gets (1997) “You’re why cavemen chiseled on walls.”
Four Wedding and a Funeral (1994) “Is it still raining? I hadn’t noticed.”
Dirty Dancing (1986) “I carried a watermelon.”
City of Angels (1998) “We were made to fit together.”)