Sharktopus interview: Roger Corman, Eric Roberts and Twitter

US correspondent Ron Hogan bravely volunteered to conduct an interview with the most fearsome, famous monster on the Internet. No, not Lady Gaga, we’re talking about SyFy’s own Sharktopus.

You’ve watched the trailer, you’ve grooved to the song, and you’ve embraced the meme, now meet the real Sharktopus as it puts to rest rumors of trouble on the set, discusses bikini girls, and explains just how it manages to terrorize and delight via the power of social networking.

Good morning, Sharktopus. May I call you Sharktopus, or do you prefer to go by your codename, S-11?

I am Sharktopus, and I chomp anyone who calls me S-11, so it’s up to you. Syfy thought they’d redefine me as a monster. They gave me the nickname S-11 because it’s mechanical and strips away all the personality of Sharktopus.

Your film debut was the most-watched September Saturday original movie in SyFy history, and scored the second-highest ratings of the year just behind Lake Placid 3. How does it feel being the newest of SyFy’s mon-stars?

It’s bittersweet for me. This was my big break, but after I chomped my agent my contract got screwed up and now I’m not getting a dime for my work. I’m looking for a new agent now, and this time I won’t require that they wear a bikini when we negotiate future movie contracts.

During the filming of Sharktopus, rumor has it you were a bit of a diva, at least according to executive producer Roger Corman. Would you like to address those rumors once and for all, or will you let your team of lawyers do the talking? What was life really like on the set of Sharktopus?

Technically, a diva is a female opera singer, a performer. So yeah, I was performing and I might have waved my tentacles around, but it was all a part of my method acting. The rest of Roger’s allegations are hardly worthy of my response. He will rue the day he called me ‘Sharktopussy’.

Life on the set of Sharktopus was pretty sweet. They fed me as many bikini girls as I wanted (a detail Syfy and the Cormans hoped to bury). I got along great with the cast until I began to realize they weren’t really filming my documentary. Everyone was in on it. I felt like Carrie at the homecoming dance, and I made their movie just a little more realistic when I began chomping their cast and crew. That’s real method acting.

If you could chomp any person, real or imaginary, current or historic, who would you chomp? Same question, except replace person with movie monster. Who are you just aching to pick a fight with?

I have always wanted to chomp Artemis, I think we have a lot in common. As for a movie monster, there aren’t any that would be capable of resisting my omnipotence, but I am tired of that slinky ridiculous Dinoshark calling me a Sharktowus. I’d pick a fight with him just to make a point.

Is there any truth to the rumor that you’re the secret love child of MegaShark and Giant Octopus, and that their long-running feud was really a custody battle over the adorable baby Sharktopus?

(Laughing) I was not born. I was not created. I chomp, therefore I am.

The trailer for Sharktopus was a big viral video hit, the theme song was quite successful on iTunes, you’re incredibly popular on Twitter, and your movie had really good ratings despite being on a Saturday night. Whatever your market, you seem to be a big hit. Are there any plans to take Sharktopus worldwide? What’s the next move for a brand-minded Sharktopus like yourself? Books? A cartoon series? Making an adult video for the Japanese market?

I’d tell you, but then I’d have to chomp you. Do you really want my answer?

Err, that’s okay. I like my limbs and organs.

Speaking of Twitter, how do you manage it? When I first mentioned Sharktopus, it wasn’t five minutes before you showed up and chomped me, despite your thousands of followers. Did Eric Roberts make you super-intelligent as well as super-deadly, or are you just using eight computers with your various tentacles?

My trick is that I’m telepathic. I don’t type or have an assistant tweeting for me. When you get chomped by Sharktopus on Twitter or Facebook, you’re talking with the real deal. Sometimes I respond right away, sometimes I’m a little slower, but I’m not like those other celebrities that don’t respond to their fans. We are Team Sharktopus, and together we can save the world from deceivers and tricksters like Syfy and the Cormans.

How do you respond to claims that you’re a bad example for kids, Sharktopus? I mean, you ate lots of people, but no vegetables. And PETA was very upset when you ate that great white shark when there were many freighters of vegetables you could’ve cracked open with your mighty tentacles and devoured.

Just a hunch, but I don’t think kids are going to go start chomping bikini babes after watching my movie. I mean, did kids start spinning spiderwebs with secret messages after they watched Charlotte’s Web?

That’s PETA for you. Let the great white shark eat the humans, and don’t raise a finger, but the minute you hurt a great white shark alarms begin shrieking around the globe. You humans baffle me.

Do vegetables wear bikinis? I would have cracked one of those open.

I know you’re a very busy cross-bred genetic killing machine, and you’ve got lots of places to go and many other people to kill, so I’ll make this my last question. Are you really a bad guy, or are you just misunderstood? I can’t tell if you’re smiling at me or licking your chops in anticipation of my inevitable chomping. I’ll let you respond while I’m fleeing for my life.

I’m a good guy. I only chomp people who deserve it. Do you deserve it? I think you do…

Who, me? No way! I’m Team Sharktopus for life! I even bought the Sharktopus tee shirt…!

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