Matt’s Confused Reviews: Saw

You have exactly thirty seconds to spot all the errors in Matt's take on a torture-porn classic...

Barty-Bob and The-guy-that-co-wrote-it wake up in a weird bathroom, chained to the walls. They have a brief ‘getting to know you’ type chat before the conversation turns to escaping. It’s at about this point that a guy walks in with a pigs head on. He’s called Saw and is hanging out with a weird puppet on a tricycle named Jig. Together they make up one ultra-villain called Jigsaw. Spooky, no?

“We’re going to play a little game” says Jigsaw.

“No thanks. We’re a bit busy trying to work out how to get out of these chains” responds Barty-Bob.

“Play Monopoly with me or I’ll chop your fucking head off” says Saw, as Jig sets up the board and starts dealing out the money.

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Meanwhile, across town cops Danny Glover, Donnie Wahlberg and Female Cop are looking for the missing Barty-Bob and The-guy-that-co-wrote-it. They’re putting pins in a map and trying to work out the location.

“I bet they’re in this warehouse” says Female Cop, putting a blue pin into the map.

“I’m too old for this shit” says Danny Glover.

“I’ll sort out for someone to go in ahead of us in case they’ve set up any shotgun related traps” she responds.

“You got it. The right stuff.” says Donnie Wahlberg, impressed.

Meanwhile, back in the bathroom type room Monopoly has finished and they’re setting up for The Game of Life.

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“That was naffing bullshit” says Barty-Bob “You don’t get double money if you land on ‘Go’, you flipping fruitcake”

“It’s my rules, I’ll do what I want. Play The Game of Life with me or I’ll pop your fucking head open” says Saw, putting a bear trap over Barty-Bobs mouth.

Jig puts all the pegs in the cars, giving Barty-Bob a pink one to make it look like he’s a girl. They all have a laugh at that, although the little puppet mans laugh is freaky-weird and a bit off-putting.

They get going and decide to use the spinny casino wheel instead of dice. Saw skips going to university, using the logic that your salary is done at random anyway. The-guy-that-co-wrote-it goes to university, saying that he thinks it will pay off later in the game where you sometimes have to pay over a hundred thousand for something unless you are a pilot or whatever. He’s got a smug grin on his face and you sort of feel like because he wrote it he knows it’s going to pay-off for him.

Meanwhile the detectives have sent in some guy and he’s been shot in the head by a load of shotguns. Female Cop says that they should go in without her as that was definitely the last of the traps.

“Please don’t go girl” says Donnie Wahlberg, forlorn.

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“I’m too old for this shit” says Danny Glover.

“Here, take this little cassette recorder. Only play it once you’re on that ice block” she says to Donnie Wahlberg, putting a Dictaphone in his pocket “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine”

“Baby, I believe in you” says Donny Wahlberg, inspired.

The two detectives go charging in and bust into the room just as they’re packing away The Game of Life.

“Hey, we’re just about to have a go at Twister. Want to join us?” asks Saw.

“I’m too old for this shit” says Danny Glover.

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“Alright, what about Kerplunk then?” questions Saw.

Whilst everyone else plays Kerplunk, Danny Glover goes to the toilet. Unfortunately it blows up and kills him. The explosion also sets off the bear trap, which rips Barty-Bobs head open. Blood then gets into Donnie Wahlbergs eyes, temporarily blinding him. Then Saw starts hacking through The-guy-that-co-wrote-its neck.

“Ahh, pack that in” he says “That’s not even in the script. I should know, I co-wrote it. Is this because I won that last game? I told you to go to university. If you’d had a degree you could’ve picked the lawyer card and you wouldn’t have had to pay that fine. Plus, the Status Symbols are generally a waste of money. How are we supposed to end this now? People won’t like it if the bad guy just gets away unharmed”

“No, I’ve got cancer, remember? I’ll die slowly over several sequels and then be remembered through flashbacks until a new villain can be established” Saw retorts.

Donnie Walhberg then gets his eyesight back. By this point, he’s hanging on to a bit of metal with his feet on a big block of ice. If he lets go he’ll fall into a tank of sharks. He plays the tape that Female Cop gave him. It’s quite long and dramatic, but the gist is that she’s asking what he’s going to do to stay alive.

“Hang tough” says Donnie Wahlberg, cold.

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All in all, I’d say that Saw is a horror film. For a rating, I would give it Fangoria out of ten.

More Saw/horror-related stuff for your delectation:

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