Happy Friday the 13th everyone! It’s on this day when I like to contemplate my good buddy Jason Voorhees and all the things he’s done. Let’s face it, the guy’s lived a pretty fruitful existence since his cinematic birthing in 1980. Throughout his career as poster boy for cavalier machete usage, he’s amassed a body count of 146 teens and has travelled from Camp Crystal Lake – his home – to Manhattan, to Hell and, most recently, to the far reaches of space. But the question on everybody’s severed tongues is what in God’s name will he do next? What’s left for him?
Well, for this special day, I’ve compiled a list of potential ideas for the 11th Friday the 13th Film:
Friday The 13th XI : Crystal Champs
Jack Black stars as a Jason who turns his powers to good when his heart is stolen by a cute but rubbish junior high hockey team. He can’t resist the incompetent little cherubs and knows that, with enough practice and a good coach, they can take the league title. Of course, hard-ass Jason also learns some life lessons of his own, like how to love himself and others. Film ends when Jason marries a sexy single mom played by Jennifer Aniston.
Friday The 13th XI : Camp Crystal Snakes
Jason’s moldy head gets infested by slithering supernatural serpents and there’s only one man who can save the day. Yep, that’s right. Samuel L. Jackson wants these motherfuckin’ snakes off this motherfuckin’ undead serial killer.
Friday The 13th XI : Campstravaganza!
A musical extravaganza with original songs written and performed by the Scissor Sisters. Nathan Lane buys Crystal Lake and turns it into a dance academy. Perez Hilton plays Jason and soon finds that dancing soothes his urges to kill. By the end of the film, there won’t be a dry eye in the house as Jason debuts on Broadway. Think Footloose meets Rocky Horror. Can you feel it?
American Pie Presents… Friday the 13th XI : Band Camp
Alison Hannigan as Jason, armed only with a flute. I’ll leave your mind to work out the rest.
Friday The 13th XI : Damp Crystal Lake
Mike Leigh directs a gritty drama in which Timothy Spall, as an aging Jason, contemplates the meaning of his immortal existence, whilst pondering a nasty spot of dry rot on the walls. Julie Walters cameos as Jason’s mum, for an emotional flashback scene in which they both cry a lot. Film ends with a ten minute shot of the wall as the damp patch grows; a poignant metaphor for the darkness consuming Jason’s soul. Likely to be the first film in the franchise to win a Palme D’or.
Friday The 13th XI : Boot Camp Crystal Lake
R. Lee Ermey from Full Metal Jacket as Jason, training a group of wannabe serial killers to grow up just like him. “The deadliest weapon is a serial killer and his machete.” You know the drill (sergeant).
Friday The 13th XI : Cramp Crystal Lake
Jason (Chris Tucker) develops a rare muscular disorder, on account of enduring so many wounds over the years. The psychic girl from Part VII (now played by Tina Fey), has built up her career as a holistic healer, so Jason is forced to (telepathically) request her help with his pains. From there, it turns into a classic ‘buddy cop’ movie; two opposing personalities who clash at first (to great comedic effect) soon find friendship when pitted against a greater evil. In this instance, I’d suggest Derek Acorah.
Friday The 13th XI : Camp Pistol Lake
A flashback to Jason’s youth in the ‘hood, with Eminem taking the lead role. A teenaged Jason strives to be a rapper in order to escape his crazy alcoholic mother. Snoop Dogg plays his mentor who, half-way through the film is mortally wounded in a gang-related shoot-out. Jason channels his anger at this into his music and begins winning local rap battles. The film ends when mom ships Jason off to camp where he, uh, drowns and becomes an unkillable monster. This one’s guaranteed an Oscar for Best Song with the moving and raw rap, “In Crystal Wid’ A Pistol”.
Friday The 13th XI : Jason Takes Sparta
Jason (played by Gerard Butler) discovers a time machine left behind at Camp Crystal Lake by Corey Feldman some time around the fourth film. In a classic “what does this button do?” moment, he is shot through time and space, finding himself in 5th Century Thermopylae. Armed only with a machete, he kills a million Persians and then 300 gobsmacked Spartans for good measure. Then he rubs his beard and shouts. LOTS.
Friday The 13th XI : Con-Scare
Nicolas Cage as Jason. Everyone else gets drop-kicked in the face. Whole camp blows up. Whole state blows up. The bunny goes back in the box. The end.
I’d most like to see that last one, myself. Any studio execs reading this can feel free to take the idea. It’s my treat.