Sometimes, when you load up a game and catch a glimpse of the main character, you can’t help but think “What?” Whether it be an impractical piece of underwear or a hat that dwarfs the cosmos, there have been some interesting costume choices in the history of gaming.
Here are ten of the worst. Feel free to leave your own in the comments below.
10. Raiden: Metal Gear Solid 2
For most of Metal Gear Solid 2, Raiden wears a perfectly functional, utterly nondescript futuristic tactical jump suit sort of thing, and that’s fine and dandy. Sure, he’s a whiny priss, but who isn’t nowadays? But then he gets captured, stripped and cements his place in videogame history by running around without a stitch on, cupping his crotch to avoid any embarrassment; like that’d be the most important thing on your mind whilst being chased by guards with guns.
9. Altair: Assassin’s Creed
For starters, a hood like that would reduce peripheral vision to almost zero; not exactly ideal for a stealthy killer. Plus, if blending in is the most important trick in your repertoire, wouldn’t dressing in dull browns like everyone else work much better, rather than swathing yourself in pristine, sparkling white. “There’s an Assassin on the loose!” “Yeah, that’s him there. The one whose mum clearly uses Daz.”
8. Tofu: Resident Evil
With a beret or without a beret, Tofu is still the stupidest hidden character to ever grace a videogame. A vegan friendly slab of soya curd, Tofu is unlockable as a playable character in Resident Evil 2, armed with nothing but a knife and a scant few herbs. Not technically a costume, granted, but as far as ludicrous sights in games go, Tofu has to be near the top of the list.
7. Dante: Dante’s Inferno
That’s some useful armour you have there, Dante. Your shoulders and head are well protected, but, what’s this? You’ve taken off all of the armour that should protect your vital organs and replaced it with some tapestry? That you’ve stitched into your own skin? That was silly, wasn’t it? I just hope no demons attack you with pointy things. Oh. Oh, dear.
6. Blanka: Street Fighter 4
I don’t mean Blanka’s standard costume here, although that is pretty silly. No, I’m talking about his alternate, DLC-only costume, which dresses him up like a Victorian explorer, complete with pith helmet and safari shorts. Because being an unloved, green skinned, electricity conjuring mutant isn’t bad enough without looking like an extra from a Jumanji remake.
5. Sam Fisher: Splinter Cell
Sam Fisher is a spy who is very good at hiding in dark places and letting guards pass by, remaining unseen in the shadows as they do. A neat trick, especially for a man with three giant green lights sticking out of his face. When I inevitably become an evil criminal mastermind, with designs on world domination, I am definitely going to hire henchmen who can tell the difference between natural light, shadow and the thick beams of verdant glow emanating from the head of my arch enemy.
4. Tidus: Final Fantasy X
Seriously, did your mother dress you? Because if she did, it’s pretty obvious to everyone that she hates you. With a passion. I mean, come on. A weird dungaree dress thing doesn’t look good on anyone, let alone the male lead of videogame. Too much yellow, too much leather and not enough material on one leg of those shorts. You have to wonder why no one ever had a quiet word in his ear. “Psst, T-dog. You look an awful lot like an offensively stereotypical lesbian.”
3. Donkey Kong: Donkey Kong Country
He’s a great ape in a tie. I can’t even begin to explain how little sense that makes. Where would he even get a tie in the jungle? Fair enough, if it was made out of a vine, or a snake, but it’s just a common or garden tie. How would he know how to tie it? Are we really to surmise that this tie fell from a plane and landed perfectly over the head of Mr. Kong, and that, throughout the long years of his jungle existence, it not once came snagged on a tree or had mud or any other sort of substance splashed upon it? There’s only so far suspension of disbelief will take you, but that’s too much even for me.
2. Bayonetta: Bayonetta
As slinky cat suits go, Bayonetta’s is one of the least offensive, at least until you realise it’s made entirely of her hair. How does that even work? Fair enough, she’s a witch, and has all the magical powers that that entails, but still, it can hardly be the most comfortable get up. And how does she keep it clean? At first glance the bespectacled gun wielder may look sexy, but when you actually stop and think about her choice of clothing, and the practicalities of it, sexy isn’t the word that comes to mind.
1. Ivy: Soul Calibur 4
Just look at it. Not only does this monstrosity defy most of the laws of physics, it’s the single most impractical collection of scraps of shiny cloth that a videogame character has ever placed at strategic parts of her anatomy. If you were set to take part in a weapons based fighting tournament, the first thing you’d want to cover up would be, you know, your self. Ivy’s tactics seem to be blinding her opponent with skin and praying no one manages to stab her.