Most of us think our jobs are rubbish. Alongside worrying about money and not understanding popular music, it’s one of the three staples of grownup life. Still, could be worse.We could have to spend our days enduring the hardships these videogame characters do.
Can you think of someone with a worse lot? Let us know in the comments below.
10. Auctioneer (World Of Warcraft)
The main role of the Auctioneer is to stand around, surrounded by angry people who would hurl abuse at him if only he could understand. In real life the poor little fella would have had a massive nervous breakdown by now, brought on by the stress of being constantly badgered in an almost foreign language about gold and hit points and lord knows what else. Next time you’re in the swirling crowd of armour and fiery swords, take a moment to think about how you’d feel if someone was clicking on you mercilessly whilst his mates did the same.
9. Any soldier wearing a helmet (Gears Of War)
Helmeted soldiers in Gears Of War have but one thing to look forward to: death. Be it slow and horrible digestion in the belly of a worm, being ripped to bits by a berserker or the swift and deadly full stop of a bullet to the brain. If you’re ever enlisted in the COG army and you’re offered a helmet, turn it down. There’s a 4 in 7 chance you’ll survive. Unless your name’s Carmine, in which case you’re doomed, whatever happens.
8. Dancing girl (Mass Effect)
Ah, the old routine. Dancing in your undies on a podium can’t be enjoyable at the best of times, but when you’re forced to repeat the same jiggly moves over and over again, without a break, for as long as you’re asked, it’s tantamount to torture. One can’t help but wonder if, during the game’s climactic Citadel battle, the non-specifically gendered aliens of Chora’s Den have been shipped to safety, or if they’re still gyrating rhythmically, unaware of the oblivion.
7. Flag man (Outrun 2)
It might sound like a pretty good gig, starting races with a whip of a flag and then back to your trailer to live the high life with the assorted models and hangers-on that gravitate around motorsport. Except, of course, that the flag man is trapped at his post. If you don’t start the race, he’ll dance for you – your own flag waving, performing monkey. Mock him with your fast car and your beautiful woman, then force him to humiliate himself for your own sick pleasure. You should be ashamed of yourself.
6. Anyone whose profession involves driving (Grand Theft Auto series)
One minute you’re driving along, minding your own business, perhaps off to pick up a fare in your taxi, or on your way to a particularly gruesome traffic accident in your ambulance, when BAM! Some jumped-up street thug has the audacity to not only steal your vehicle, but to steal your job as well. Thrown out into the street, your one mode of income cruelly stripped from you by an uncaring hoodlum, the only future you have to look forward to the dole queue, begging and eventually a frostbitten death on the unforgiving pavement.
5. Pilot (Geometry Wars)
There’s only one way to end a round of Geometry Wars: dying. You might have amassed a ridiculously high score, and be the envy of all your pilot buddies, but you’ll still have exploded in a shower of pixels. You’re the utterly replaceable, faceless nobody of the future, locked in an always ending battle with relentless, evil shapes. You’re a bit player in an extended metaphor about the futility of life and your epitaph will be nothing more than flashing numbers on a screen.
4. Goblin (Barbarian: The Ultimate Warrior)
What do you want to be when you grow up? If the answer to that question is a stumpy grotesque that comes on at the end of fights to drag away the still warm body of the loser and occasionally kick off their decapitated head, then, sadly, that position was filled about twenty years ago. Far from the rippling muscles and metallic bikinis of the box art, the Goblin is the work horse of the Barbarian universe, dutifully repeating his task over and over, the office worker of his time, forever engaging in a task that has no end.
3. Crystal bearer (Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles)
Whilst everyone else stays safe in the village, you have to go outside, fight monsters, carry buckets and come into contact with utterly mental and inept NPCs. Sure, you might be given some meat or apples or milk by your family before you set off, but what good is meat against a rampaging horde of green slime, or a massive, angry chef? None whatsoever. Crystal bearers are whipping boys, plain and simple, getting their hands dirty because no one else can be bothered with it.
2. Footballer (Sensible Soccer: England Vs Germany)
A little known, cover mounted edition of Sensible Soccer, given for free with Amiga Power magazine, England Vs Germany was an homage to the kickabout between British and Barvarian soldiers during a ceasefire on Christmas day 1915. Except, in the game, the football was replaced with a hand grenade, which would begin to flash at certain points, then explode, killing any players who were unlucky enough to be near it. It is a game of two halves, although sadly, those two halves used to be stuck together.
1. Princess (too many to mention)
The equation is markedly simple: if you ever find yourself in the role of princess in a videogame, prepare yourself for capture. Nothing too bad will happen to you, and in the end you’ll be saved by a stout hero, but the sheer annoyance of being kidnapped every year or so must be hell. You’ll have money, power and sparkly dresses, but is the constant threat of being snatched off your throne by an, at first at least, unknown assailant a fair trade off? Bear in mind you’ll seemingly always be a princess as well. Royal ascension is a moot point at best in videogames.
Leave your suggestions in the comments…