Gaming isn’t bad for you. Far from it, in fact. Gaming is preparing you for the terrifying rigours of the no doubt impending apocalypse. The latest such training device, Rage from id Software, is on the horizon. With that in mind, here’s a run down of some of the other important things gaming has taught us about the end of the world.
It will almost certainly be our fault
Be it a nuclear war, overpopulation, not paying attention to road signs or just a general laissez faire attitude towards our own safety, most gaming apocalypses are all down to the human race. The Fallout series is chief amongst the distributors of this idea, with its great war and sectioning off of the public into vaults.
So, once the apocalypse does come, we’ll know exactly who to blame. Although that could lead to introspective, soul searching games in which the decay of the survivors of the end days is actually a metaphor for the decaying human condition. Ooooh. Deep.
Bruce Willis might be involved
And not just his voice either. A complete, digitized Bruce starred in the 1998 PlayStation title, Apocalypse. Willis ‘played’ Trey Kincaid, and had to kill the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Who weren’t actually the four horseman of the apocalypse, they were the creations of an evil scientist called The Reverend. Games in the 90s had the best stories. You can just imagine how creative an afternoon the developers were having when they thought up that epic.
The gas mask on, top off look will finally become fashionable
Bizarre fetishists rejoice. The end of the world will finally give you the chance to rip off your constricting shirt, put on your constricting gas mask and go loopy loo crazy. Just look at Borderlands, and you’ll get an idea of all the lovely clothes and face coverings you’re going to get to try on.
Sure, the game might not be set on Earth, but it’s somewhere’s post apocalypse, and can still act as a catalogue for the sartorial elegance we can all expect once everything goes biblically wrong.
There will be mutants…
Even if there isn’t a nuclear war, you can still expect to find horribly mutated creatures scuttling around in some of the structures that are left over in the wake of armageddon. They might have glowing flesh, laser eyes, hugely swollen bodies, or limbs made out of tentacles. Gears Of War 2 took this even further by mutating monsters, creating some sort of mutant mutants, and thus destroying the space time continuum. Maybe.
If there aren’t mutants, then there will definitely be zombies. In fact, if there are mutants there will probably be zombies. There are zombies everywhere. There are probably some behind you right now. The Left 4 Dead series epitomises the never ending struggle against the undead that we’ll all be engaged with in the not too distant future. If videogames have taught us anything, then we should all be putting our money into shotguns and canned food. And maybe making friends with gruff, everything-hating bikers.
Despite it being the apocalypse, humanity will live on
Lucky old humanity. Even when everything we know has been wiped off the face of the Earth, we’ll still carry on, living our miserable, mutant and zombie afflicted lives. We might have a pastier complexion, less chance of job fulfilment and a much higher likelihood of being ripped apart by rabid, multi-legged dog beasts, but… To be honest, there isn’t really an upside to all of that. Unless you like to spend a lot of time on your own, cleaning your gun and eating unidentifiable mush out of rusty tin cans.Mythical creatures will suddenly become real
Both Darksiders and Legendary have shown us that, once the apocalypse starts, creatures once thought to be imaginary will suddenly come to the fore and try to kill us all. Whether it’s werewolves, chimeras, angels, demons or the mighty Kraken, all of them will rise from their hiding places and try and separate you from your giblets.
Don’t worry though, because with the advent of these beasts, magic will once again become available to your average Joe, meaning you can kill them with a wave of your suddenly supremely powered hand.
Driving will still be an essential part of life
Even though the roads will have been obliterated and the petrol stations destroyed, even though there’ll be no such thing as insurance and every family saloon will have been reduced to dust, driving will still be be an important piece of your everyday existence.
It won’t, however, be the miserable commute that you and I are used to. There’ll be rocket launchers, barging, handbrake turns, leaps over destroyed bridges, and probably some punching as well. Actually, that’s quite a lot like my commute. Cars will be more like buggies as well. Buggies with heavy weaponry and solid, unpoppable tyres.
Robots will try to kill you
It’s not just living things you’re going to have to watch out for come the end of days – robots will also stomp around, firing their robot-y guns and hating you with their robot-y hatred chips. Enslaved, the criminally ignored third-person adventure, set the bar for robot apocalypses with its re-imagining of Journey To The West as a futuristic fight against feral androids. Of course, robots lead to much bigger explosions than fleshy creatures, which means you’ll often find them as set pieces or boss battles. Robots are the bad-asses of the future end times.
It will probably feature cult celebrities
The apocalypse almost always pulls in the big guns of geek culture. There’s always a laugh to be had, recognising some long lost star of a forgotten sci-fi show or enjoying the entertaining cameo of a current geek legend. Should the apocalypse ever actually occur, your best bet for survival will be heading down to the abode of your nearest sci-fi icon and sheltering from the chaos outside with them.
If you live near Ron Perlman, then you’re pretty much guaranteed passage to the post apocalyptic wasteland that’s heading our way. Alternatively, you yourself could endeavour to become famous for a role in a futuristic television show. Hell, do both. That way, you’ll definitely be safe. Well, safe-ish.
Rage is due out on the 7th October for PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 and PC.