Deus Ex: Human Revolution, the long awaited prequel to one of the finest games ever made, is finally arriving on consoles and personal computers the world over. It tells the story of one Adam Jensen, a man fitted with techno-modifications called augmentations, which boost his abilities to super-human levels.
But what if you, dear reader, wanted to star in your own videogame? What augmentations would you need to become the next Adam Jensen, and from where in the videogame pantheon would you be able to take those augmentations? Let’s have a look…
If you want to get ahead in this business, then you’re going to need, if you’ll forgive the phrase, to “buff up”. Punching through walls, carrying huge guns, throwing explosives further than the eye can see – your weak arms and legs just aren’t going to stand up to the rigours of videogame life. Your best bet is going to be robotic limbs.
You could do a Bionic Commando, and take the Nathan “Rad” Spencer route with an extendy arm that lets you swing on things. Or perhaps you’d rather use your metal arms to crush and destroy, like Jax from Mortal Kombat? Whatever you choose, you’re going to look one impressive sight.
You’re going to have to be quick to become a videogame hero. Not only are you going to do a lot of running away, you’re going to have to do a lot of running towards as well. There are a number of options open to you in this department, from the chemical to the sartorial.
The troopers in Haze get a burst of speed when they inject themselves with highly addictive combat stimulants, but if drugs aren’t your cup of tea, you could always borrow a pair of snazzy red sneakers from Sonic. Just make sure you get to where you want to go before the music slows down, or you’re in trouble.
Videogame heroes nowadays need to be able to leap around like sure-footed mountain goats, pirouetting from platform to ledge with all the grace of prima ballerinas. If you want to join the pack, you’re going to need to keep up. To that end, stealing some agility orbs from the Agency in Crackdown is going to be a good idea.
These magical, glowy wonders will have you leaping and clambering with the best of them in no time whatsoever. Try and stay ahead of the members of the totalitarian police regime who are trying to get them as well, though.
Game heroes can see everything. They can probably see you, right now, while you’re reading this paragraph. Sometimes, they even manage to zoom in on things without the use of any special equipment. It’s almost like they have eyes on stalks. Crazy.
If you’re looking for inspiration for your ocular implants, look no further than Garret from the Thief series, who has an amazing eye camera that allows him to zoom and see around corners. And he lives in the past, sort of, so imagine what you could achieve in the future. Or the present.
Being able to hear like an easily startled animal is one of the key attributes of the videogame hero. Otherwise, how are you going to be able to say things like “Wait, did you hear that?”, before a huge monster bursts through the wall and kills one of your friends.
I mean, it wouldn’t make sense if you didn’t hear something first, right? You’ll also be able to hear what’s happening in sealed rooms, which is always nice. Having huge ears is going to be helpful in this particular quest, so talking to Fran from Final Fantasy XII is a step in the right direction.
If you want to be a videogame hero, then you are going to have to take punishment that no mortal man, or woman, would be able to withstand. You’re going to get shot, punched, kicked, poked, prodded and generally abused in some truly horrific ways. You’re going to need to step up your body’s natural protection, and your choices here seem to be narcotics or genetic modification.
If you’re looking for the drugs route, then borrowing a bushel of power mushrooms from Mario will set you straight, enabling you to take more hits and grow in stature. If you’re more of a mad scientist sort, then combining armour, gene manipulation therapy and some weird training regimes will turn you into a Spartan, like Master Chief, complete with regenerating health. You’ll have to provide your own sexy AI though.
Sometimes, the gifts provided by whatever deity or system of evolution you believe in just aren’t enough. You’re going to have to stick some extra pieces onto that lump of flesh you call a body if you want to duke it out with the best. Perhaps, like Barrett from Final Fantasy VII or Wild Dog from Time Crisis 2, you could attach a gun to the end of your arm. If you’re not quite up for completely replacing appendages, you could take the Assassin’s Creed route, and find as many places as possible on which to strap extendible knives about your person.
Knowledge is power, that’s the long and short of it, so if you want to be powerful, you’re going to need the smarts. The ability to plan out assaults, outmanoeuvre your enemies and think up exciting and effective escape routes are all going to become important tools in your arsenal. The way videogames get around this is by letting someone else do the thinking for you.
Whether it’s an AI inserted into the back of your head, like in Halo, or just someone barking orders at you through an ear piece like in almost every FPS out there, there’s always someone pulling the strings. If you’re more of a lone wolf, though, there are plenty of items in RPGs that will grant you a wisdom bonus, and I’m sure you’d look fetching in a wizard’s hat and robes.Wit
You’re going to have to learn how to crack wise if you’re looking for a career as a videogame hero. Making a quip at an opportune moment separates the wheaty classic heroes from the long forgotten chaff.
If you’re looking to augment your funny bone, then the best thing you can do is a crash course in insult slinging sword fighting, like Guybrush undergoes in The Secret Of Monkey Island. Alternatively, you could just listen to the misogynistic, outdated drivel that Duke Nukem comes up with, then do the opposite.
In the end, even after you’ve augmented all of your skills, there’s one last thing you’ll need to change: the way you control your limbs. Unfortunately, succeeding as a videogame hero means letting someone else decide which way you walk, who you punch and whether or not you should stay underwater longer than you’re able to.
Much like Trip has control over Monkey in Enslaved, you’re going to have to get used to being thrown around against your will, even if it means your certain, excruciating death. It’s all fun and games until someone ends up a fractured corpse at the bottom of a cliff. Still, at least you’ll get to have another go.
Deus Ex: Human Revolution is out today on PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 and PC.