Uwe Boll: crazy name, mentally challenged guy. What is it about the man that drives the Internet hordes (read: IMDB trolls) wild with venomous anger? Is it his reputation for taking video games with next-to-no plot and turning them into films? Is it his historical use of German tax law that saw companies invest in him on the principle the movies would make a loss? Or is it his all-encompassing approach to ‘humour’ that makes Prince Philip look like a diplomatic marvel?
“We will fuck Queen Elizabeth,” he said during the filming of Postal, based on the video game. “We want to kill Chinese drivers over 50. We have Little Germany in the movie. There is a mini-concentration camp also. I think we make fun out of everything. This is the best approach.”
The filming in Vancouver in 2006 was certainly chaotic. And I should know – me and Sarah were trailer trash for the day in Paradise, complete with mullets, guns, and an enforced scene on a washing machine that stopped us making eye contact for several days (I still sometimes wake up with the cries of “go on, really give it to her” ringing in my ears).
While Uwe wandered about half-heartedly watching rushes, various underlings were left to run the whole show. But he was perhaps allowed to feel a bit distracted, given that later on he was doing what we were really there to see: box his biggest Internet critics. Not as in show boxing, should such a thing exist, but actual boxing that ended in blood and medics.
The whole event was still a sham in another way, as the Internet ‘critics’ were nothing of the sort. Toronto’s Chris Alexander was about the only one who seemed to have done any critiqueing of Boll. This was perhaps why Uwe let him get to the second round. Variety intern Jeff Sneider also made it into a second round – and was rewarded with some oxygen and an overly-attentive medic for his trouble. And Chance Minter, a 17-year-old skulker from the American outback, was sent packing within one round. Although, if the memories of his terrifying mother are correct (like Allison Janney in Drop Dead Gorgeous but with less volume control), she could probably have made it through the fight.
What are we supposed to make of it all? First of all, Americans fight like girls. Second, don’t mess with Uwe. He may be getting on, but he is both angry and ‘sanity-challenged’. Third, while his movie-making abilities may be in doubt, you certainly can’t question his powers of self-promotion. And fourth, if anyone can beat this as the best freebie ever claimed, I’ll box the man myself.