The Crawling Ear: An Epic Poem Recounting My (Non)Adventures With The Ramones
By James Greene, Jr.
Sit back, my child, and prepare your earsfor the most ridiculous poem you’ve heard in yearsthis story’s not about UFO activityit is not even about the film House Party 3this story’s not about E.T. phoning homeit really concerns that punk band the Ramonesand the adventures I had with various memberswell, actually, just one – let’s see if I remember…
In the late nineties, long after the TudorsMarky formed a new band he called the IntrudersI saw them at Warped Tour nineteen ninety-eightthe experience, my friends, was unusually greatfor bass player Johnny was throwing shirts to the crowdI caught one and screamed, “God damn!” quite loudI unraveled my prize and couldn’t stop staringI had captured the shirt the bass player had been wearing!
He accidentally tossed it, his grief was enormousso I returned it at the next Intruders performanceI was asked to play drums while Mark sang “Sedated”unfortunately I sucked and was quickly beratedby Marky himself, who later smiled and laughedI gave him my bank statement, which he kindly autographedThe third time I saw them, I tell you no liesMark bought me a meal of cheeseburger and fries
Hanging with Mark was enough fun to repeatit almost made up for this crushing defeatin high school I only got one suspensionand I was once invited to a sci-fi conventionmy friend Greg said, “C’mon, it’ll be cool as hell!”I said, “Nay, I have a shift at Ye Olde Taco Bell.”the very next day, my mind was totally blownwhen Greg mentioned he stood behind Johnny Ramone!
In line at the con for nearly half an hourwhen I heard this my smile turned to a glowerI kicked myself thoroughly for missing this chanceto stand near my hero, his hands, and his pantsbut wait – per Ramones tales, I have but one moreone that truly irritates me to my rotten coreI believe it took place on a cold Winter’s dayand revolves around the bass player known as C.J.One morning I found just outside my doora package from an address I knew not beforeI opened it up and found un Los Gusanso CDwith a letter from C.J. made out to me“I saw your website, James, of record reviewsI wish that you’d review this one now, too!”I was quite pleased and bragged to a chum,“I wonder what else from a Ramone may come?”
The truth came out when this pal sighed into the phonethis package had come not from any damn Ramone!Mutual friends were playing a prankmy Ramones crank these guys were trying to yankI should have known better of this devious caperThe note was in crayon on a torn piece of paperI hunted down these devious, evil ladsand I kicked them both squarely, right in their gnads
So ends my tales of Ramones-related gloryI wish I had more ridiculous storiesabout Dee Dee and Richie and Tommy and Clemand Sticky and Curly and Frankie and Kenand Bumpus and Ghoulie and Paulie and Steveand Radar and Chunky and Christopher Reeveoh those Ramones, they were such wild guysat least one of them bought me a burger and fries.
Check out the Crawling Ear every Wednesday at Den Of Geek. The last Crawling Ear can be found here.