The Crawling Ear: “Weird Al” Reads This Column

We've interrupted James at a very important moment in his life....

Last Wednesday, I attempted to predict the title and subject of the brand new single “Weird Al” Yankovic announced he was going to drop this week on iTunes. One hilarious guess I had was “I Kissed A Squirrel,” a parody of Kate Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl.” Well, it turns out I was wrong on all counts – the Yank’s latest nasty cut is a spin on T.I.’s smash hit “Whatever You Like,” which boasts the same title as the original (a “Weird Al” first).

HOWEVER, in the blog Al posted on his Myspace page Monday evening revealing the title of his fresh 2008 joint, the accordion-slinging singer first cracked the following shocking joke: “The name of the [new] parody, of course, is ‘I Kissed A Squirrel.’ Just kidding.”

OMFG. I don’t think I have to tell you what this means. “Weird Al” Yankovic reads the Crawling Ear.

I know it sounds crazy, but come on – is there anyone else on the whole entire planet witty and clever enough to whip up something like “I Kissed A Squirrel?” I seriously doubt it. Maybe Shakespeare, but that guy’s been dead for like a hundred years. He died in the second World War, right? Hitler shot him, if I remember my history correctly. I knew we should have never let that asshole into Disneyland.

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Al, I must say I’m flattered. Please, feel free to pepper your Myspace blog with as many of my jokes as you like. Be aware, though, I do charge a dollar a quip. Checks may be made out and sent to James Greene, Jr., c/o Rappoccio’s Watch Repair & Sneaker Outlet, P.O. Box 154, Grand Central Station, New York, NY, 10017. You should also be aware that any late payments will result in me turning your curly-haired, Hawaiian-shirted ass over to a collection agency.

As for “Whatever You Like,” I can’t comment on it because as of this writing the song has yet to make its scheduled October 7th debut. A note on explains there was some kind of glitch yesterday morning that prevented Alfred’s hot buttered jam from being released with all the other new music for iTunes. What’s up, Steve Jobs? Are you trying to keep my man Yankovic down? What you got against Al? He ain’t never hurt no one! Tell your publicly traded multinational corporation and its 28,000 employees to get their goddamn act together.

Hopefully “Whatever You Like” will be out and proud like Clay Aiken by the time this column goes up. The world has already waited too long for a delicious send-up of T.I., the original Rubber Band Man and ATL star (I’ve seen that movie about fifteen times, by the way, thanks to insane former roommates). Man, “Weird Al” Yankovic reads my column. I can’t get over that. I wonder if any other famous novelty musicians from California are fans of my work. Rick Dees, let me know if you’re a JG2 junkie!

UNRELATED NOTE #1: I was perusing old Crawling Ears last night when I came across a comment on my Edge of Etiquette column I initially missed. Coco, please send your full copy of “I Hate You” to Thank you one thousand percent.

UNRELATED NOTE #2: Some of you may think you have a vague memory of me writing something about Metallica two weeks ago. That never happened. That was actually a mass fever dream induced by Jimmie Walker’s daring theft of the Nocturnus Time Machine last month for purposes unknown. Don’t worry – a tribunal of elders has formed to serve a swift punishment to the former “Good Times” star/Letterman pal/errant time traveler. I hear Borth the Corpulent is voting for death by Yeti rape. As for Metallica, they did a couple good things. Generally, though, I feel their music lacking color and/or character.

UNRELATED NOTE #3: Happy Croatian Independence Day to all the sexy Croats out there.

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