After enjoying Harry’s great ridiculous costumes in videogames piece the other day, it set me thinking about equivalents in the comic book world. Thus, here are some comic book character costumes that really should have stayed in the closet…
Havok: Sibling rivalry
The younger brother of X-Men leader Cyclops, Alex Summers has always lived in his brother’s shadow but, over time, has become a C-list fan favourite. Decked out in a cool all black costume his simple style should always be in fashion. That is until he thought it was a great plan to stick metal circles strapped to the top of his head…
Black Knight: Unloved Avenger
Having armour is cool, having a sword is cool and having a flying horse is cool. So, you would think that with all that coolness around the Black Knight would be cool too…?
Well, nope. Sorry about that. For all the bits and pieces that make the Black Knight on paper look like a top notch character, for some reason he just doesn’t translate to a comic world. It might be that he can’t run very fast being covered in armour, or that he sounds like a set of pots and pans as he moves, or maybe he can’t hear anything in that massive helmet. But when the world needs saving and the Avengers gather, a lot of the time the Black Knight’s nowhere to be seen. Maybe Captain America forgot to text him to invite him to the battle or something.
Nova: Cosmic Space case
Another in the long line of bucket-headed creations (see Black Knight above), Nova is a teenage space-faring policeman, serving out intergalactic justice and stopping aliens and neer-do-wells as part of the Nova Corps (think rip-off of Green Lantern Corps).
Thing is, if you were an intergalactic policemen you would have cool alien riot gear and a space-aged squad car, a laser truncheon or something. But nope, you get a shiny blue and yellow costume with a blurry star thing on it and a great big yellow helmet. Again, not to be funny, but in space maybe a space-suit would help, as this horrendous fashion faux pas looks very much like it would let ‘space’ in, which is something you probably don’t want if you want to breathe and well,…not die.
Heading back to the 90s now we see all the stereotypes of the age coming into play as Cable, quite frankly, sums up an entire decade of bad costumes. Is it practical to carry that many guns? What if you fall over and shoot yourself in the bum? Still, at least you could stop most of the damage from all the pads you are wearing.. shoulder-pads, groin pads, knee pads, the entire works. I am sure there is a bum pad in there, just in case. Really, if Rob Liefeld wanted the Michelin Man to join the X-Men, I am sure he would have obliged.
Invisible Woman: Just wrong
Now, I am sure that the abbreviaton ‘MILF’ should not be used here on DoG, especially as a term about Susan Storm. But she does look like she’s stepped out of Spearmint Rhino’s a bit here, doesn’t she? Still, it was the 90s, after all, and the fashion comic-wise at the time was ‘less-is-more’, and maybe that works. It looks a little bit dodgy from where I’m sitting, though…
Aquaman: Soggy hero
The king of Atlantis, the scourge of the seven seas and erm…he wears orange. You would think a character based in the water would at least dress like he lives in the sea, with blues, blacks or greens, but vivid orange seems to be the colour of choice. No wonder in the Super Friends cartoon Aquaman used to be on ‘guard duty’ or something, as any villain seeing this embarrassing ensemble would just crumble in tears of laughter. Before killing him.
Wolverine: Bumblebee Ninja
Nothing says ‘ninja trained deadly assassin inspired by one of nature’s most vicious predators’ like a yellow and blue get-up with stripes and a winged helmet face mask thingy. You can understand why the original costumes in the X-Men movies were dumped for leather, as Wolverine’s costume really is something that should never be seen on screen. Inappropriate, outlandish and truly hideous, if the ‘best he is at what he does’ means getting dressed in the dark, then Logan is your man.
Robin: Questions abound
Batman’s side-kick you would think would be dressed in shadow-enshrouded clothes like his mentor, intending to use all his stealth, cunning and guile to sneak up on his prey, but no…Robin wears, yellow, green and red shorts. Shorts so short that there should be some law or something to stop them. Also bare legs and little boots? No wonder there are questions raised about Batman and Robin’s relationship
Iron Fist: 70s (un)cool
Sounding like a heavy metal band, or something that only ‘consenting adults’ could do with each other, Danny Rand’s superhero name leaves a lot to be desired, as does his attire, sticking very firmly as it does to its 1970s kung-fu roots. High collars that stop you seeing your opponent coming is only the first of many problems. Really, why fight in pumps and a bare chest in battle? It’s just asking for trouble. Added to that fact, it’s yellow and green and, really, there is nothing good going for this get-up at all.
Another one from the X-Men roster, Betsy Braddock has an origin as convoluted and complex as they come, but when it comes to attire in battle, everything is on show. Now, I understand that comics are seen as male dominated fantasy and that the women in comics are often shown as objects of lust, but the practicalities of doing any fighting at all in a purple thong is beyond me. I am sure that not only would it be uncomfortable to wear, but if you are attacked by an evil mutant anywhere else than a beach at Rio, it would be very cold around the nether regions as well.
Leave your suggestions in the comments below…