New Girl: “Quick-Hardening Caulk”, Review

Finally! After a brief hiatus, Nick and Jess finally GO somewhere. That is, they make out again. And then….and then they go back to their rooms and slam their respective doors.

Whaah whaah whaahhhhhh.

Still, for two characters trapped in scripts written by writers determined to draw out the slowest relationship coming together ever. Seriously. It’s like watching two big ships being pulled by those little tugboats to a dock they share, which takes forever. Or watching two sloths climb down a tree to grab the same branch. Or suffering through the last two hours of Pearl Harbor. Ugh.

Anyways, though this episode was titled “Quick-Hardening Caulk,” it might as well have been called relationship fallout. Still reeling from CeCe’s engagement, Schmidt goes on a depressive melon-ball drinking binge. Winston, in order to make Schmidt more bearable as a roommate (and human being) to be around, takes him to an aquarium to cheer him up. Apparently, Winston is unlike the rest of humanity and finds aquariums to be soothing, happy places instead of the creepy, claustrophobic, fish prisons that they are (at least to me. What, you don’t?).

Whatever, Winston. You’re just weird.

Schmidt instantly bonds with a lionfish, and tries to buy it. Aquariums naturally do not sell fish, and the lionfish is protected by the state of California as a rare exotic fish. Is the lionfish a stand in for CeCe? Yes. Does Winston tell Schmidt this? Yes. Does Schmidt hear this? No. Schmidt does however steal a hat from an aquarium worker in his ire.

Meanwhile, Jess and Nick continue to do their dance of attraction around each other. It’s like watching the moon and Earth decide which is going to revolve around the other (that is, if the Earth had a beer belly, and the moon had bangs and large blue eyes). Jess finds Nick hot, and wants to sleep with him, especially when Nick starts to become ambitious about his role in the bar. Suddenly, he becomes so much more attractive. Even a trip to the hardware store sets Jess aflame (and passers-by as well).

Naturally of course, this ends in disaster with Nick clocking Jess on the chin with a large piece of wood (don’t ask—the penis jokes abound in this episode). Jess, hopped up on pain meds, confesses her lust to Nick. Nick is stunned and immediately regrets his current fling with the manager at his bar (who is the reason behind his sudden ambition at work). Nick scrambles to cover it all up from Jess.

Jess naturally finds out as she attends Nick’s Guys Night Out idea (the brilliant/idiotic premise behind this night is Guys Drink Free). She finds out. She storms out of the bar to sulk into a pint of pink colored ice cream back at the loft. Nick chases after her.

As this farce occurs, Schmidt continues on his quest for a lionfish, even going so far as to buy an enormous aquarium for the loft. Winston helps him because, well, they’re friends. The two of them don wetsuits and look in the ocean for a lionfish, where Schmidt gets stung by a jellyfish. Immediately a “pee on me” joke is made. Predictable, but nonetheless, hilarious.

Schmidt ends up in the hospital where CeCe comes by, bearing a lionfish (apparently being a model comes with great perks like free clothes and proximity to black market dealers in exotic animals). Schmidt is sleeping during her visit, and Winston kicks CeCe out before he wakes, requesting CeCe to give Schmidt space because, to quote, “she’s engaged and its killing him (Schmidt that is, not Winston).” CeCe agrees, albeit reluctantly. Bitch, you have a fiancé. Go be with him and stop pulling on the already broken heartstrings of my boy!

Schmidt awakens and tells Winston he realizes the lionfish quest was all about CeCe. Winston refrains from saying “duh”. Schmidt sees the lionfish CeCe brought, and Winston tells him he caught it. Schmidt believes this, because he’s Schmidt, and them tries to return it to the ocean via flushing it down the toilet. Ugh.

Back at the loft, Nick corners Jess and gets her to admit she wants to sleep with him. A lot of shouting ensues, and then THEY MAKE OUT! They attack each other like wild animals, shouting and scratching, and bumping into each other’s bruises…and then breaking Schmidt’s aquarium. Literal and metaphorical water is dumped onto their hot, hot, hot chemistry and almost hook-up.

They then retire to their rooms—but then boom! They both come back out and make out furiously in the hall. Then they return to their rooms again.

Arrrhghrghrgh! STOP DRAWING THIS OUT YOU TORTURE-LOVING KEYBOARD-TYPING PROBABLY-MAC-USER WRITERS OF NEW GIRL!!!!

The episode ends with Schmidt and Winston back in the ocean, ready to release the lionfish back to the sea. It’s like Finding Nemo! Sort of. Actually, not at all since Schmidt somehow manages to throw it backwards into the sand.

Oh, Schmidt. Only you can manage to be heartfelt, ridiculous, and entirely uncoordinated in the space of five seconds.

As I’ve said before, the best thing about this show has always been the interaction between the roommates, not necessarily the characters in and or themselves. Nick and Jess’s tortoise-like storyline was offset nicely this episode by Winston and Schmidt’s growing friendship. Sure, Winston may like to make fun of Schmidt, torture him, play mind game after mind game… But he has become less and less of the jerk who likes to mess with Schmidt’s head, and more of that overly tolerant friend that sometimes just has to take his pal down a peg. When his buddy needs it, he’s there.

Bros before hos, dudes. Bros before hos. Because while the ho might be a tall, gorgeous, supermodel like CeCe, only a bro will reach down into your wetsuit and grab the cellphone that has somehow become stuck somewhere in your butt. Up, under, over or between—only your bro can tell. And he never, ever will.

Winston + Schmidt: new BFFs Forever.

Yeah, son. Yeah.