The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 5, “Eastwatch.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
STOP! HAMMER TIME! Gen-Dry Hammer too legit to quit! (Yes, Gen-Dry was supposed to be like MC, and yes, I hate me too.) So it appears that Gendry wasn’t rowing a boat for the past three seasons, but was just back where we met him, crafting quality steel weapons and accessories in Flea Bottom. But boy, did he jump that ship quickly! My dude must have not been getting good benefits. The customer service aspect of the job must have really been wearing on him. Davos was like, “So we’re goin…” and Gendry was all, “Yeah, whatever, uh huh, I’m in,” picked up his cool hammer, chucked up the deuces and left. If going to fight an army of zombies is better than your current situation, then that shit must be rough. Anyway, Gendry goes Thor on some goons on the beach which proves that just like his Pops, the Fat King Bobby B, he’s got some skills swinging a hammer. Then Gendry applies some “our dads were boys, that makes us boys” logic on Jon Snow, and presto! Gendry is now back in the fold and right in the thick of things. Second best return of the season (behind Hot Pie, of course).
2. Jon Snow
Any time you come in that close of contact to a dragon’s mouth and live to talk about it, you should consider that a resounding success. Jon was close enough to pick lamb meat out of Drogon’s teeth and make a Gyro with it and he was very chill about it. Jon approached the beast that took out the Lannister army as if they were timber like he was trying to pet a stranger’s dog. With friends like dragons, who cares about enemies? Last time I checked, the wights were highly susceptible to fire. Just saying. Drogon’s approval is further proof that Jon has the blood of the dragon, so we can stop calling L + R = J a theory, it’s a fact. Better than that, Jon also rustles up quite the ragtag crew to come with him on his (stupid) mission to go beyond the wall and bring back proof of the army of the dead. Jon is taking Westeros’ B-list to form a Suicide Squad. You can do worse than Jorah, The Hound, Beric, etc.
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Ok shout out to Gilly for perhaps being the first Wildling to ever learn how to read. You go girl! Gilly went from being a product of incest, stuck in an abusive, incestous relationship in a cold, hopeless place North of the Wall to being housed and fairly comfortable, with a family of her own in Westeros’ oldest city, learning and growing just as much as the man who helped her out of that hell. And after all of the reading that Sam has been doing, it’s Gilly who unearths some text that could have massive implications on the story going forward, if she wasn’t busy being flat-out ignored! Listen to Gilly, Sam! She’s got important things to say!
4. Davos Seaworth
The son of a crabber tapped into his roots this week to run a “fermented crab meat” Viagra-scheme smuggle and it was my highlight of the episode. Keep your dragon petting, and your dream team-ups, and your tossed off Targaryen reveals, and give me that sweet, sweet crab meat. Ok, so maybe smuggling the most recognizable fugitive in Westeros during broad daylight wasn’t the greatest plan, but c’mon, that crab meat thing almost worked. Another reason Davos worked his way into the Top 5 this week is because he was the only one that had heard about Jon Snow’s plan and was like “Yeah, fuck that, I’m going to stay here, thanks!” There’s a reason this guy has lasted so long. Long live the Onion Knight, the voice of common sense!
Littlefinger finally got back in the saddle this week, after toiling away the last few weeks, twisting his mustache on the sidelines. Schemers gotta scheme, and Littlefinger’s wheels are turning again. No one is better at plotting against Stark’s than this guy. He does some serious plotting, paying off informants and planting damning evidence to turn the Stark girls against each other. There’s no way of knowing what Littlefinger wants other than Sansa, and what making Arya an adversary will accomplish, but it’s nice to see that shit eating grin back as Arya takes his bait. Now, Arya isn’t as easily duped as Noble Ned, so Littlefinger may have just signed his death warrant, but at least we got to watch the master practice his craft one last time.
1. Randyll and Dickon Tarly
House Tarly is yet another famous and noble house that’s pretty much been decimated this season. Dany pointed out that mean Ol’Randyll had no problem betraying the Tyrells, so why was he letting his foolish pride get in the way of living? Like, have you even met Cersei Lannister? I would trade her in for a new queen in a heartbeat. Whatever, this xenophobe got what he deserved. Dickon, on the other hand, is a victim of his own false sense of honor (and that horrible name). Instead of being the new lord of Horn Hill, he got barbequed along with his dad. The Tarly’s getting roasted alive pretty much symbolized the Lannister’s futility in this war.
2. Tyrion Lannister
Homeboy looked awfully remorseful walking through the charred remains of the loot train (god, I can’t believe that’s what the writers are calling this thing). Tyrion has to begin wondering whether causing so much death and destruction is really worthy of the personal vendetta that drove him into Dany’s camp. The Queen of Dragons shrugged off his protestations to scorching the Tarly men, forcing Tyrion to have a heart to heart with Varys. Tyrion is wondering, “How do I reach this Khaleesi?!” Tyrion just doesn’t appear to have the stomach for racking up this sort of body count. Toss in an icy reunion with Jaime, and the painful remembrance of his father, and the imp had a limp week.
3. Arya Stark
Arya’s kill list contains many names that rightfully deserve the wrath of the Faceless Stark, but sitting atop the list should be Littlefinger. He played a major role in the death of her father, was likely involved in the assassination attempt on Bran, backed Renly and the Lannisters over Robb in the War of the Five Kings, basically handed Sansa over to the Boltons, etc. You get it, he’s a bad egg. But unfortunately, Arya wasn’t really around for any of Littlefinger’s plotting and machinations and he’s done a decent job of keeping his involvement in the shadows. Arya certainly doesn’t trust this guy, but the fact that she didn’t go for him right away is a failure itself, and now she’s being misled, falling right into the cad’s hand. Littlefinger set a little trap, and Arya fell right in it. Oh, and why is she doing such a crummy job of spying in the first place? You can assume any identity you want, basically! Use your superpowers! This ain’t Spider-Man 2!
4. Jaime Lannister
Speaking of people that were easily tricked this week, Jaime Lannister, come on down! The One Hand Wonder barely made it out of a lake after just narrowly avoiding being burnt to a crisp. Then, he drags his sorry ass back to King’s Landing only to be set-up by Bronn to meet with the brother he swore he’d kill. Unfortunately, Jaime is saddled with a sparring sword and can’t make good on his promise to split Tyrion in half, and even if he had a proper sword, still likely wouldn’t do it, because Jaime can’t help but fold to his brother’s good sense. Just like he can’t help but fold to Cersei, especially after she reveals that she’s pregnant. Except, is she really? Or is this just an attempt to keep a straying Jaime in her clutches? Also, the prophecy regarding Cersei said that she’d only have three children, so I don’t know, I’m not buying it. Also, Cersei ends their loving embrace with a forceful threat. This two are no longer in this as equals, it’s very clear who’s calling the shots.
5. Samwell Tarly
I’ll give credit where credit is due and applaud Sam for dropping out of the Citadel. Transcribing scrolls is doing nobody any good while the Army of the Dead march south. Still, Sam was the only person who could have convinced the Maesters of the upcoming Long Night and to warn the Seven Kingdoms that the threat of the White Walkers is very real, and he failed. Not necessarily his fault, because those Maesters are some smug jerks (and probably deserve to share this spot with Sam), but still a failure on Sam’s part nonetheless. Then Sam totally acts like a hypocrite and fails to pay attention to the very vital information that Gilly gives him just to vent about his frustrations. If he wasn’t busy boohooing, he could have unearthed Jon’s actual parentage. I’m not sure exactly what purpose that info would serve, like maybe that would give Jon the gall to ride a dragon or finally convince Dany to fall in-line behind her nephew, bonding the North and her forces together for the greater good, but still, QUIT YO BITCHIN’, SAM and listen to your lady.
Daenerys Targaryen – Still kinda blowing it, right? – LOSER
Jorah Mormont – You’re alive! Now go die. – LOSER
Tormund Giantsbane – No Big Lady. Sorry, bud. – LOSER
The Hound, Beric Dondarrion, and Thoros of Myr – Beats a freezing cell. – WINNERS
Sansa Stark – Oh you fancy, huh? – LOSER
Cersei Lannister – Baby or not, she’s got Jaime where she wants him. – WINNER
Bran Stark – Spotted by the Night King. Very shook. – LOSER
Bronn – Better get the hell outta Dodge. – LOSER
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