Do No Harm, Season 1, Episode 2 (There may be an episode title name, but who cares, the show sucks)

Funny, what the subconscious can do to a person. 

No, I’m not referring to the second episode of NBC’s latest attempt at an interesting drama. Well, I sort of am. Because last night, I thought I had something to watch. But then I said, it’s Thursday. I don’t have anything to watch! I went blissfully to sleep, and awoke the next morn to sleet, cold weather, gray clouds, finding Nemo (please, I’m not the only one to make the pun) descending upon my city and the dread realization that yes, I did have something to watch last night: the next episode of that boring, clichéd, disappointing show Do No Harm. 

Fortunately, TiVo does not have a mind that tries to subvert itself into avoiding bad writing and it recorded the next episode for me to watch. Curled up on my couch with a steaming cup of hot cinnamon cider, I prepared myself. Sometimes, like in the venerable IT Crowd, pilots are not the litmus test of a show’s season. Sometimes the second episode proves gold. Sometimes things really do improve. I pressed play, steeled myself with optimism, and watched the episode. 

NBC, I am begging you, please put everyone, and especially me, out of their misery and cancel this show before next week.

I could feel my brain cells die with each passing minute I had to watch. At one point, I fell asleep and it took a face bath from my puppy to wake me up. I then proceeded to mostly avoid watching the screen by snuggling with furry cuteness. But then the flickering on the television dragged me back and I dutifully watched so I could report back to all the Geeks what a piece of crap this show is and please don’t watch it so it will be canceled and my suffering will end.

If you’re still reading this because you actually want to know what happens in the episode (why you would do that is beyond me, but hey, I get it, if you’re stuck indoors due to bad weather, you can get that bored I suppose), I’ll do a quick summary.

Last episode, Dr. Jason Cole decided to trick his alter evil ego Ian Price by “giving” him back his life, but really plotting with smart pharma-bio-something-or-other-cologist (whose character name I can’t remember, but I just call “Da Heights” because he’s played by the writer/creator of the hit Broadway show The Heights) to come up with a super secret chemical to “kill” Ian. Never mind that since this is multiple personality disorder, I’m guessing that the root of his problem is more psychological than neurological. But I’ve given up on finding anything resembling logic in this show. 

Last episode evil Ian Price also found his and Jason’s ex Olivia and discovered she had his/their son named Cole. This week’s episode opens with Ian chatting with Cole and telling him that, “rules were made to be broken.” He disappears before Olivia comes out and finds him, but not before the kid lies to his mother about the stranger he talked with and then parrots “rules were made to be broken.” God, small child. Way to be impressionable. I bet you believe in Santa Claus too. You do? Guess what….no, I’m not that mean. I’ll stop there.

Anyways, cut to a montage of Ian spending a lot of money and Jason doing a lot of backtracking. Jason finally cuts off the funds for Ian. Ian retaliates by having Jason wake up in a Ferrari with a dog and a sex toy blowup doll in the seat next to him. Where did he get the money? Does he have a job? What’s going on? Something illegal I’m guessing. 

We then scramble into the “patient of the week” storyline about a girl with a parasite in her brain (metaphor) who Jason has to operate on to save. But then we’re interrupted by an emergency call where Jason and Dr. Solis (still pissed at him for being all crazy,and yes, at one point she literally says “it’s like you’re two different people,” put it together Ms. I’m A Smart Neurologist But Dumb In Relationships) have to rush to rescue a man trapped under a car who needs on site brain surgery. We get to the scene and he’s IN the car and not under it and blah blah blah they save him. Look, if the writers don’t care enough to be clear about their stupid plot points, then I don’t have to care about summarizing them.

Turns out all of this is just a device for (a) more product placement of the Ferrari and (b) for Jason to discover a phone with someone threatening to kill him on the other end and a bag chock full of cash. Oh, and a gun that’s never used ever again in the episode other than to be there and look dangerous. Drama 101: if you introduce a frackin’ gun into a scene, you ought to frackin’ well use it. Just sayin’.

Jason discovers via the threatening cell phone caller that: the car isn’t his; Ian didn’t buy it, he stole it from a drug dealer; he leaves Dr. Solis in the dust without bothering to explain…oh whatever. To make this at all interesting, I am going to sum up the rest of the episode in a 5, yes, 5, oh can she do it, yes she CAN, pithy point list:

(1) Jason taps into his “inner Ian” and gets rid of car, drug dealers and Dr. Solis and his weirdness in one fell swoop.

(2) Ian breaks vases because it makes him feel better and it also helps angry dads whose daughters may be dying feel better too, but gets glares from janitors.

(3) The patient of the week kid is saved due to a certain Ferrari being sold to buy a German green laser (those Germans always have the best tech!)

(4) “Da Heights” knows way too much about sex toy dolls

(5) The dog is given to Cole as a present, along with a note from Olivia that tells her, yep, Ian does know where she lives.

Was there subplot going on as well with jealous Dr. Jordan trying to bring about/expose Jason and Ian? Yep. Does it make no sense that Ian is up for 12 hours, and Jason is also up for 12 hours, so the guy’s body apparently is superhuman and doesn’t need sleep? Yep. Do I care? Nope.

Neither should you, because this second episode was down 22% from its already dismal pilot premiere and if we all collectively continue to do not watch it some more, by next week it will be gone and my Thursdays will be free for quality programming once more. 

***NBC Cancels Do No Harm After Only Two Low Rated Episodes ***