Oh, Archer and Lana. You’re like the Ross and Rachel of unprofessional espionage. The Sam and Diane. The Arsenic and Old Lace. Okay, that last one is a bit iffy, but let’s face it, every time you two crazy kids get together…someone dies. The once happy couple and erstwhile colleagues (who will still hook up when Archer occasionally gets “terminal” breast cancer) were forced to reevaluate their “special” relationship again last night. Except this honeymoon is surely no pleasure cruise.
The episode opens with the two undercover as a just married couple in a swanky New York hotel. Apparently, some shady madman is going to sell North Korean spooks weapons grade uranium this evening and the two Isis Superspies have been sent in to stop it. Lana cannot believe she is being forced to answer to the name Mrs. Archer (which Sterling rubs in her face ad nauseam) and is tired of playing second fiddle to Archer’s chauvinism. But Archer is just having far too good of a time. When Lana tells him they cannot afford the honeymoon suite (or really any of the rooms), Archer whips out his mother’s credit card as a counterpoint.
Back at Isis, Pam is driving Cyril to insanity. She reveals that she may have peaked in on Cyril and Lana hooking back up in the accounting room on one lonely evening and knows that he is worried about his new ex-ex-girlfriend falling back into Archer’s manly arms in the honeymoon suite. Pam herds Cyril’s path like a dumb cow back at the farm. Soon enough, Cyril, Pam and even Cheryl are checking into the hotel across the street to spy on Isis’s own spies. Cyril really should not worry, because Lana is avoiding her last breath of contempt for Sterling as he goes to town in the free room and its perks. He is sitting in the Jacuzzi as he stuffs down his steak au poivre with all the peppercorns he can stomach. “You’re pounding two $300 Glengoole freaking Blue!” Archer’s hands stumble to the bottom of the tub looking for something. “Two? I thought I ordered three! Cyril, you’re worried about the guy who “Power blackouts” BEFORE he started drinking?!
Archer may be enjoying his room, but when Mallory finds out that her credit card is declined and she is forced to take restaurant charity from archenemy JUDY BEEKMAN….God help Archer. She begins by describing to Ray a murder plan that is far too descriptive to be spontaneous, however she instead turns to something even more devilish. She is going to pay off the room with half of Archer’s bonus and give the other half…to Lana.
Lana is coming to a decision this week. Realizing she is getting older and dreading the concept of really being Archer’s honeymoon bride, it is hinted that she may settle for Cyril. It is never explicitly said, but she keeps talking about coming to a decision. Sure, Archer clouds things when he miraculously saves her life from falling off the skyscraper after her suction gloves dissipate while scaling the glossy surface…but he immediately loses his cool points by freaking out that Lana has a bonus and his just disappeared. When Mallory calls to pass command to Lana, Sterling flips like an Istanbul stooge and provokes a confrontation with the North Koreans. After taunting them with Japanese themed jokes at Koreans’ expense, Archer ends up getting the two both captured and free within five minutes. By the time a frightened Cyril runs across the street to help, Lana has lost her last nerve with Archer’s bull-headed heroics and kills all the North Koreans. However, when she sees that Cyril came by because he was spying on her and Archer…she decides that she has had enough of both of them and storms off.
Their anger with each other is so venomous that none of them stick around to see who was selling uranium to the North Koreans. Turns out it was Krieger with his irradiated love-pig…Yeah.
Poor, poor Lana. She is obviously much smarter than Archer. Who knows? If she actually did run the missions, there is a good chance Isis would be a competent player in the espionage game. Granted, Archer is simply a natural at this game as if it were a second wind of Lacrosse for the lad. Yet, his oblivious selfishness causes more problems than his talents are worth. It is nice to see an episode of the two butting heads again though, as this focal point from Season 1 has somewhat fallen by the wayside in the fourth year. Also, she SO does not need to go back to Cyril. The accountant cannot trust her even when he like subtracts his pants anytime a girl passes him a number. As viewers, we want to see her end up with Archer because it is entertaining. But he is just so…Archer. It is best for her to pretend to move on until the writers need to dig into this comic goldmine again. The beauty of animated shows is any development can only be paper deep.
Quotes from THE DANGER ZONE:
“It’s like my heart is being gripped by the icy fingers of some terrifying Ghost of Honeymoon Future.” Lana after being addressed as Mrs. Archer.
“For what?” Mallory to a French waiter who begins apologizing for something. “Dunkirk or for that somewhat feminine, condescending tone?”
“Relax, it’s North Korea, the nation-state equivalent of the short bus.” Archer.
“I am literally going to kill him. LITERALLY!” Mallory’s thoughts on spendthrift Archer. “I’ll lure him to my condo in Miami, drug his steak au poivre, drive him out to the Everglades, slather him in rancid chicken fat and then TOSS HIM TO THE GATORS!”
“Are they banging yet, because these ribs sure are.” Pam.
“Penultimate.” Cheryl upon hearing Pam call near-death experiences the ultimate aphrodisiac. “The ultimate is doing it on top of a tranked up tiger!”