xXx: Return Of Xander Cage review

The opening scene of the first xXx movie opened with a ballsy statement of intent, killing off a thinly-veiled James Bond stand-in as if clearing the decks for the arrival of a new type of secret agent. It arguably had the right idea, but its confidence in itself proved misplaced – especially after Vin Diesel declined to return as Xander Cage for the sequel. The character was summarily dispatched in a DVD extra pieced together using stunt doubles and cut material, while the box office for xXx: State Of The Union took care of the franchise itself. Hollywood moved on.

Except it didn’t, because it can’t ever really move on. So it is that Vin Diesel, riding the success of his ongoing career revival, finds himself starring in a new and sadly half-baked xXx movie as Xander Cage.

In all fairness, Cage’s first outing has its moments. The threequel does not have many at all, at least for the vast majority where it’s composed of guileless action and one-liners that fail to land. Rather than return to extreme sports Bond riffs of the original, xXx: Return Of Xander Cage goes for a setup more like the Expendables or Mission: Impossible, surrounding our protagonist with a team comprising “the good, the extreme, and the completely insane.”

If that sounds fun, sadly it doesn’t gel as it should: Cage’s allies are characterless nobodies with precisely one skill each. Sniper, thief, martial arts expert, and for some reason, DJ. Their quest: retrieve Pandora’s Box, a piece of hardware that can allow the user to turn the global satellite network into a deadly weapon.

Rounding out the cast are Donnie Yen as Special Agent Xiang, the guy who steals the film by delivering the only decent action, and Deepika Padukone as Serena Unger, the love interest and one woman with a hint of backstory and personality. Their respective presences at least allow you to interpret parts of this film as some kind of commentary about India and China establishing themselves as equals on a global economic stage, but I’m not sure that was the point. There are also Russians hanging around as shorthand villains, though frankly that seems far less cartoonishly escapist than it did even a few weeks ago.

In a way, the cast is impressively diverse: as with the first xXx film, it’s relatively iconoclastic about the heroism of white dudes. Unfortunately, it’s as casually sexist, homophobic and racist as the Bond films the franchise once wished to bury. 

What success the film has in holding the audience’s interest is mostly down to Vin Diesel himself. While not quite as charismatic as the greats, he does at least evoke the memory of the action hero in its prime, though as time has weathered those guys down to creaking, weary versions of themselves, so goes Diesel. Now 49, he’s getting visibly too old for this shit, and it’s hard to imagine the target audience of this film seeing him as any kind of relatable figure.

It’s possible that you can come to this film, switch off your brain and enjoy it for what it is: a plotless movie full of improbable stunts with only the most basic of ideas driving it. But then if that’s what you’re looking for, the medium is already well-serviced. This movie, with its focus-group set pieces and oblivious story just doesn’t have the thrills. You’ve seen it all before. In a different order, perhaps, with different actors for sure, but beyond its basic assembly there’s not a single moment that qualifies as original. Try harder, Xander.