Quick quiz for you. Any idea what these films have in common: Pocket Ninjas, Night Train To Mundo and Daniel Der Zauberer? If you said that they are your three favourite films of all time there’s a chance that you may well be clinically insane. Whereas, if you answered that they are (at time of writing) the three lowest ranked films on IMDB, congratulations. Give yourselves a round of applause, a pat on the back and anything else you feel you need to inflate your already growing ego.
Yes, these films are not just bad. They are the very worst. That’s some achievement. I mean, think of all the films that get made over the years. In fact, I bet there are far more bad films than good ones made, so to be voted at the top of the list, wow. I’m sure everyone has seen at least one film that they’ve thought, “Christ on a bike, that has to be the worst film ever made,” (well, apart from Paul Ross and his love of any film that’ll put his quotes on their posters). I know I have. And this leads me nicely to the point of all this waffle, Slient Bloodnight… Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with (a burst from the trumpets) the worst film I have ever seen.
Now, I know it’s probably bad writing to state your opinions of the film right off the bat, but the last line above is no lie or exaggeration either. I’m sure everyone has their favorite films of all time, so I can be pretty confident that they must also have their worst. Mine used to be a tie between Steel Magnolias and Titanic (the only film I’ve ever walked out of).
But you see the thing about those films is (although, in my opinion, hate inducing garbage) technically they are at least competent. Titanic was made by James Cameron and that dude was behind both good Terminator films, Aliens and the potentially amazing forthcoming Avatar (although my interest in this film, along with nearly all the Internet forum people and apparently Hitler, see YouTube, has dissipated somewhat after the release of the trailer). James Cameron is someone who knows how to make a film. This is not an argument that can be levelled at the creators of Silent Bloodnight, Stefan Peczelt and Elmar Weihsmann.
Right, let me get the plot out of the way so I can get back to the vitriolic stuff. Silent Bloodnight is a slasher film, which you have probably already worked out from the title. What else could it be? A Disney film? Also what is it about slasher films that always seem to bring out the lowest common denominators in film making. Done correctly they can be a thrill inducing experience (hello, Halloween) but usually just stick a load of nubile teens together and kill them off with little or no plot. Sorry I’ve gone back to the vitriol. Anyhoo, the plot (for what it’s worth) of Silent Bloodnight involves the sexual abuse and rape of a mentally retarded country girl by some jock type lads who then, along with others staying at a bed and breakfast type hostel in the hills, get bumped off one by one. That’s it. Bloody hell, the films called Silent Bloodnight…What were you expecting, Dostoevsky?
Now, although I stand by my decision to declare that it is the worst film I’ve ever seen, let me also add an addendum by stating that I haven’t laughed or been completely mesmerised by a flick for a good long time. When I say this film is bad, I don’t mean I didn’t like it or it was pretty badly filmed. I mean this is from the Ed Wood style of movie making. Complete car crash viewing. In fact, it goes beyond car crash and right the way into plane crash into a building viewing. Can I get away with that? I…I think I can get away with that.
The first ten minutes or so of Silent Bloodnight involves so much fucking and nudity that I thought that the dear people at Den of Geek had realised it was my birthday coming up and had sent me a porno as a present. It’s soft-core porn like you used to get at late night on Channel 5 before they became more highbrow by showing US cop shows, but the fact is no plot has yet been established and all your presented with are people humping.
And ladies, don’t worry. You haven’t been forgotten about. Not only are there breasts a plenty on offer but you’ll also get to see a few cocks within the first five minutes (and I don’t just mean the actors on screen). I know that horror films like to flash a little flesh but, heck, at least try and have some substance.
Now you know how low budget horror films have to get creative to hide the obvious financial shortcomings whilst presenting visually stunning gore? Yeah, well ignore that for Silent Bloodnight. Trust me when I say you have not seen blood the colour it is presented as in this film. It’s a kind of fluorescent pinky substance that more resembles the stuff that comes out of a lava lamp than human blood. The doozy of all is the effect used during a decapitation. The filmmakers don’t even try and hide the fact it is plainly a plastic mannequin and doll’s head.
I have to say, though, that I would not have laughed and enjoyed this film so much if it wasn’t for one little thing. The acting. This pushes the film from very bad into the stratosphere of appalling. Have you ever been forced to sit through a child’s nativity play before? The quickly spoken almost sentenceless talking. Characters interrupting each other before they’ve finished their lines. All that stuff. Well let me say that the actors in Slient Bloodnight make the children you saw seem like flipping Paul Newman in comparison. There is no-one on screen that has even the slightest acting ability at all. I’m sorry if you’re one of the actors reading this, but then hey, I always wanted to be footballer but can’t play football very well. I’ve come to terms with this inability and I think you should too.
All the female actors (and it’s a stretch to call them that) seem to have been picked solely on looks and the size of their boobs. Case in point; the lead actress Vanessa Vee (apparently). Very good looking with massive boobs which she is always happy to show off as all she ever wears is a bikini. Even when giving reports on the TV (she’s meant to be some sort of local reporter) the filmmakers find some convenient way of having her in the bikini. Oh, and running towards the camera. In a bikini…running towards the camera. With help from gravity, it becomes almost hypnotic.
After scanning the Internet, I’ve found that the film originates from Austria, yet all the actors speak English. Not that this should matter except none of them can speak English. This leads to everyone sounding like the Swedish chef from The Muppets and resembles a manic episode of Allo Allo.
Oh, sweet tree of unintentional comedy you have born me some truly scrumptious fruits. Words do not do justice to the comedy this invokes. It’s so surreal and pant wettingly funny that I started to suspect that it was some sort of spoof. It’s not. Also I know that recently Austria has been getting a bit of bad press regarding parenting, and the relationship between the lead character and her police chief father (who appears to be at most ten years older than her) doesn’t really help matters. There’s some weird incestrial vibe that is so obvious that I thought was going to be part of the plot. It isn’t and now I need to shower.
To be the worst film ever made is some achievement, but I feel the creators behind Silent Bloodnight truly deserve that title. It ticks all the boxes. I would say that it has to be seen to be believed, but then that would mean that I’ve recommended you buy a copy and, sweet Christ, I cannot do that.
A little side note. I have discovered that the makers of Silent Bloodnight have made another film called Day Of The Devils, and I’m intrigued to see just how bad that film may be. But searching for such a thing would see me rightly committed.
Never have I wanted to see a making of more than one for this film, but, unfortunatel, all we get are a decent amount of trailers for films that look either equally as bad or worse than Silent Bloodnight.
Silent Bloodnight is out now.