Matt’s Confused Reviews: Lethal Weapon

The police are all gathered around a building, every single one of them, except Mel ‘Riggs’ Gibson. When he finally does turn up, it turns out that there’s a guy who wants to jump off the roof. Mel goes up for a chat with him.

“I’m not being funny, mate” says Mel “but if you jump off this building you’ll do yourself a serious mischief”. The guy considers this and decides that, despite stinking of booze and anti-Semitism, Mel probably has a point. They both get down and notice that across the road there’s someone shooting into the street with a machine gun. “Shitting hell” says Mel Gibson “I’d best go and sort that out, mate”.

Mel goes running at the machine gunner with no regard for his own safety. His boss starts shouting at him. “Woah, Mel. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Stop Mel, you’ll get shot. Woah. Woah. Woah, Mel, woah” Mel doesn’t stop but he shoots the shit out of the bad guy. “Didn’t you hear me saying woah?” questions his boss.

“I didn’t really know what you meant by it, mate” retorts Mel, out of breath.

“Woah, you know, like for a horse that you want to stop. Because I wanted you to stop. You could have been shot.” he responds.

“Oh, okay. Sorry chief, guess you’d prefer it if the bad guys just went around firing machine guns all day, mate” says Mel, dryly.

“What I’d prefer is if my officers had some regard for their own safety, Riggs. You’ve given up on life now that your wife’s dead. It’s no good. I’m gonna have to partner you with a family man just weeks from retirement, like Danny Glover” says his boss.

Mel and Danny are introduced to each other. “Alright mate. Strewth, that’s quite a moustache. I bet your eldest daughter’s a bloody fox” says Mel, looking up from his Holy Bible.

“I’m too old for this shit” says Danny Glover.

“Cocking hell” says Mel “I’ve got this lead that some serious baloney is going down at the docks. Lets go” And so they do. Mel and Danny Glover get into a car and drive away, stopping briefly into Danny Glover’s for a nice family meal.

“Maybe life is worth living after all, mate” says Mel.

“I’m too old for this shit” says Danny Glover.

They then go to the docks and find that the Jews are nailing Jesus to a cross.

“Shitting crikey, mate” says Mel “Those fucking Jews are killing Jesus. I know that I value my life now, but we’ll have to stop them”

Danny Glover agrees, although he questions whether he might not be young enough to be of much help, even comparing the situation to faecal matter. They get into a massive gun fight with the Jews. Then Mel has a fist fight with a couple of them and then a car blows up. Danny Glover is about to get shot but then Mel jumps in the way and is hit. He’s not dead, but it’s too late to save Jesus.

“Fucking Jews…Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world, mate” says Mel.

“I’m too old for this shit” says Danny Glover.

Then the ambulances turn up. In hospital Danny Glover and his family visit Mel, who is recovering from having been shot. They accept Mel into the family, which makes what he whispers to Danny Glover’s 18 year-old daughter that much more inappropriate.

“I’m too old for this shit” says Danny Glover.

Mel’s nurse then comes in and adjusts his pillows. “Nice one sugartits” says Mel. Hmm, perhaps a romance is brewing and Mel is slowly building a new life for himself?

All in all, I’d say Lethal Weapon is better than all of the Die Hard sequels but not better than the original Die Hard. I’d therefore give it 3 Die Hards out of 4.