Matt’s Confused Reviews: 28 Days Of Night Later

The latest in Matt's occasional series of confused reviews - but, er, what exactly is he reviewing this time?

30 Days of Night

The story starts with Cillian Murphy waking up in an empty hospital. Spooky, eh? He has a proper nose about and finds that all of London is empty too. I mean, there’s still stuff there, just no people. Rather than making his way to the nearest internet café to download some free pornography, he goes off for a wonder. He bumps into a couple of people who are hiding. They tell him that everyone has turned into bloody zombies. They decide to leave London to see if they can find people who aren’t zombies somewhere else.

They all go for a drive, eating food they’ve robbed from a garage. They keep on driving, seeing zombies but not really being all that troubled by them. They eventually find this area where a bunch of people have found safety and decide to hang out with them. By this point it’s started snowing heavily and Cillian Murphy realises that they’ve driven all the way to Alaska. Over oceans and everything. They just weren’t paying attention, apparently.

They start hanging out with Josh Hartnett, who is a policeman, and Angel from Home & Away, who has developed a bizarre speech impediment that makes her talk with a slightly monged American accent. They all have a chat for a bit, drink coffee and wait for morning. They wait for about three days but it still isn’t morning. “It must be night for a whole 28 days” reasons Josh Hartnett. He’s right.

It’s about this time that they get attacked by some vampires. “Shit” says Angel from Home & Away “it’s some fucking vampires. As if it wasn’t bad enough that my husband Shane died because he got septicaemia after wounds from his motorcycle accident didn’t heal properly, now this has to happen”. She tells the vampires to rack off, but they don’t.

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They hide from the vampires for a bit, but soon become filled with rage because they notice that the vampires are dressed as Goths. “I’m sorry” says Cillian Murphy “but there’s no way in hell I’m taking this shit from a bunch of miserable Goth vampires. They’re not even good 80s Goths, I bet they’ve never even heard of The Cure. I bet they like Cradle Of Filth. Wankers”. It’s at this point that he suggests they gas the vampires with this hallucinogenic gas he invented when he used to live in Gotham City. He puts a bag on his head and sprays it in their Gothy vampire faces. They all go absolutely mental and kill Josh Hartnett. “Bloody hell” says Angel.

It’s at this point that Batman turns up. He freaks Cillian Murphy right out, causing Cillian to jump on a horse and ride away. He then beats up the vampires, who promise to go away for thirty years. Batman then has a big fight with Liam Neeson, who seems to have turned up. Batman wins and Angel cheers him. Batman then heads off to Dawson’s Creek to have a crack at Joey. Angel contemplates moving back to Summer Bay but instead decides to move into a house with Ryan Reynolds in Amityville.

All in all, I didn’t think this film was very good. It just wasn’t very believable. I’d give it one and a half thumbs up out of five.