Confused Reviews: Clerks

Matt once again lends his unique reviewing approach to another film. And this time, it's Kevin Smith's Clerks...

Kevin Smith's Clerks

I’ll admit that I got a bit confused when reviewing Clerks, so this review might not be as accurate as some of my previous Confused Reviews. The film is in black and white as it is a period piece, set some time in the past.

Sir Dante of Quick Stop rides his horses into work after an emergency telegram from the boss. He opens up the convenience store where he works and makes a sign to hang up, as some local savages couldn’t work out what to do with chewing gum and so jammed it into the shutter lock, which I understand used to happen quite regularly in pre-historic times.

A brave knight strides in and complains that the video store next door has yet to open.

“Where is the video store clerk?” he demands.

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“I’m noteth even supposed to be-eth here-th todayeth,” laments Sir Dante.

Then Sir Randall of Mischief wrangles in, showing Sir Dante two telegrams. The first tells of his ex-girlfriend’s impending union with an Asian design major. The second is from his current girlfriend, a serving wench, telling him of her sexual past.

“She serviced 37 knights!” exclaims Sir Dante.

“In a row?” questions Sir Randall.

Outside, two local drug dealers rap and cause trouble in an old-fashioned way. Jay and Silent Bobeth introduce some passing ladies to Bobeths cousin Olaf. Olaf is a Russian knight who they coax into showing them his ‘bloody combat face’.

Inside the store, Sir Randall hangs about whilst Sir Dante tries to work.

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“Did you ever notice that thing about Star Wars?” questions Sir Randall.

“No,” replies Sir Dante “for we are in the past. Star Wars will not be invented yet for a great many years.”

Sir Randall then entertains Sir Dante with his salsa shark Jaws impression. Sir Dante then welcomes the arrival of a knight, who has come to slay a dragon in the bathroom at the back of the store. They leave him to it and discuss the pop culture of the time, joking about Greek gods and the latest albums by the Osmonds.

Sir Randall prepares to return to the video store and lights a torch, the only way of getting light and warmth at the particular time that this film is set. He places the torch down for moment near a pile of hay, which was often just left lying about in the past.

“Ah, be careful,” whines Sir Dante. “If the store catches fire at any time in the next 11 years or so we’ll be forced to take jobs at a fast food restaurant, with hilarious consequences.”

“No time for love, Dr. Jones,” quips Sir Randall as he leaves the store.

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Dante then deals with a variety of kooky customers. There’s a knight who comes in wearing full battle armour and tries to return some batteries that he bought for his walkman as they’re the wrong size. There’s a witch who claims she can see into the souls of any eggs that aren’t perfectly shaped. Then Jay and Silent Bobeth come in and steal as much as they can carry.

Sir Randall then returns with the fair Princess Caitlin, Dante’s ex-girlfriend, who is supposedly about to marry an Asian design major.

“Alas, doth it is not true-th. Noteth at alleth,” she tells him.

“Well, let’s go on a date then, seeings as though I’m noteth even supposed to be-eth here-th todayeth,” suggests Sir Dante.

He goes to change into some clean jeans and she goes into the bathroom. When Sir Dante returns he hears loud moaning coming from the bathroom. Caitlin emerges, sexually satisfied but confused to see Sir Dante.

“Why Sir Dante,” she says “Howeth couldeth you have beaten-eth me to the front of the store?”

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“I didn’t. I wasn’t out there. Caitlin just fucked a dead dragon in the bathroom!”

Caitlin flips out and is burned as a witch. Sir Dante closes up the store and goes home, leaving Sir Randall watching a Blu-ray disc of some really extreme pornography involving three men, two women, a sandwich toaster and a teleporter.

All in all, I wouldn’t even give Clerks a bad rating in a joke review. 37 out of 37.

Find more of Matt’s Confused Reviews right here