If you ask a guy ‘Which cartoon character would you have sex with?’ the answer is pretty much always ‘Jessica Rabbit’. Occasionally they’ll throw in ‘Betty Rubble’ as well, just to keep things interesting, but there are few straight men on the planet that wouldn’t sell their soul just to have a sniff of Jessica’s bra.
Straight women, however, don’t really have that option. We don’t have a staple go-to cartoon character for conversations like these. This must be why we just talk about shoes and commitment all the time.
To rectify this oversight, I’ve put together a list of potential cartoon gentsfor your perusal. Please note that I don’t personally fancy any of these guys; that would be strange and wrong. Although if I’m pushed, we can have a damn good conversation in the comments about why Willy Fog would be better in bed than He-Man.
Everyone’s favourite bodybuilding, Elvis-talking lothario had to have a place on this list. Constantly turned down by 2D women, perhaps us 3D women could give him a shot? After all, he does have killer chat-up lines and poses, and he does love his mother, gaining him extra brownie points.
Muscles (if you like that sort of thing)Lovely hairSmooth talker – he’ll probably tell you your baps look smashingKids like him (at least they’re always bothering him and trying to sell him cookies)
Lives with his motherDoesn’t seem to actually have genitalsHow do his legs support the rest of his body?Probably a bit of a dick when you think about it
I know what you’re thinking but hear me out. If you’re going for a lion, why not pick Lion-O from Thundercats? Simple – Willy Fog is a snappily dressed rich gentlemen, Lion-O is a ginger man in odd knickers. You work it out.
Plus, Willy Fog is all assertive, if that floats your boat.
Will take you round the worldWill pay for the meal and pull your chair out for you (not like that time my boyfriend pulled my chair out too far “as a joke” and I fell on the floor)Assertive, alpha male (as lions tend to be)
Is a lionWill probably eat you in real lifeIs Victorian so probably dead now
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Okay hear me out again. I know they were teenagers in the original cartoon, but a) they’d be about 50 by now, and b) I was a kid when I first entertained the idea of dating the Turtles, so it’s okay. Also, I’m sorry Matt Edwards.
Anyway, when I was a kid the Turtles were fair game; we didn’t see things like species back then, we just saw slightly muscular, rad dudes.
Free pizzaSense of humourWould fight off other potential suitors
Are turtlesYou’d have to wade though a load of poo to visit themI always assumed they were all shagging April. I can’t compete with April.Not ideal if you don’t like rats.
The most powerful man in the universe! Fine, but is he also the sexiest man in the universe? Well, probably not. More likely he’s the most boring, goody-two-shoes man in the universe. But you could do a lot worse than He-Man. He does, after all, have royal parents (not that women are gold diggers), and he likes to show off his manly muscles in that lovely bra. Perhaps He-Man has hidden depths.
Nice to tigersLives in a castleHas hair products you could borrow
Would probably throw you around then tell you not to do drugsWears a braFar too close to his sisterMight turn into Prince Adam, who lives with his parents and is rubbish
‘Dad’ from Cow & Chicken
Just a pair of legs, but those legs do the talking. ‘Dad’ (pictured on the right) is the ultimate head of the household, in that he gives his kids nonsensical advice then falls over laughing. Let’s face it ladies, this is what we want in a man. Plus, being only a pair of legs he probably won’t eat all the food then claim burglars came in and ate it, which I only fell for once.
Nice trousersManly manHas nice kids
No upper bodyAlready marriedLikely to have to give birth to livestock as a result of sex
Finally I get to write about someone human and vaguely normal looking. Thanks, self, for making me write this list in this order.
Anyway, The Real Ghostbusters‘ Peter Venkman stays true to his movie persona, and is the consumate ladies’ man. Okay, so you’ll probably be sucked into Satan’s vortex while on a date with him, but that’s more interesting than Wetherspoons.
Actually humanInteresting job (also he’s a celebrity)Will make you laugh
Can’t do sex talk – sounds too much like GarfieldRisk of being killed by ghostsWill probably scam you and steal your fridge or something
The Beast is perfect for those of us who love the idea of ‘changing’ a man: “Oh, he’s nice once you get to know him, he doesn’t normally eat people’s faces off, he only shits in the corner because he loves me” etc. However, fans of The Beast will also know that he is capable of being charming and lovely once he comes to terms with his hairy curse, so is more than deserving of our affection.
Warm (saves on heating)Don’t have to use cutlery with himWill probably open tins for you
Shouts a lotNot sure what species he isSort of turns into Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen if his spell is reversed
I know I’m starting a lot of these entries with ‘hear me out’, but hear me out. If, like me, you just want to sit around whinging and hating people, the Squidward is your ideal man. Plus, he’s cultured. You could sit and listen to symphonies together, then he could paint you like one of his French girls.
IntellectualFree burgersLots of arms
You would die on your first date underwaterNot really very good at the clarinetInterpretive dancing
The classic English heartthrob, Disney’s Robin Hood is the fox version of Errol Flynn – brave, dashing and debonair. If I were a lady fox, I would certainly swoon into his arms.
Ignore the tights for a bit – we all want to be promised to a fox who mugs people but then gives his hat to the poor, amirite girls?
Beautifully spokenDoes his own washingCan walk on stiltsFriends with the king
Doesn’t wear pants – could be embarrassing in NandosPromised to Maid MarianNot good if you have hayfever and don’t like trees
I’ll say this now – I fancied Mr Benn when I was little. I don’t know, he just had a nice face and I liked his suit. Shut up. Anyway, if bowler-hatted, umbrella carrying Englishmen are your thing, then maybe Mr Benn is the guy to have afternoon tea with.
If you like dressing up, he’s your manHomeownerVivid imagination
Likely to disappear for long periods of timeDoesn’t actually seem to have a job despite wearing a suit every dayWhat does he do in that changing room?
Okay, this one is just for the ‘more leftfield’ out there. I am not one of you, and you should do the shame walk while some lady walks behind you ringing a bell.
Anyway, I’m told that some women like Woody. I assume it’s for his gallant ways, and not because of the fact that he’s called Woody and has a friend called Buzz. You people should be ashamed of yourselves.
LoyalGood with one linersBendy
Is about one foot tallHis string would probably get in the wayThere’s a snake in his boots
And there we have it. Plenty of ammo for next time the menfolk start a conversation on this topic. When they say “Oh Jessica Rabbit is so fit”, you can reply with “Yeah well I’d quite like to shag a cartoon lion!” You’re welcome.