My god’s got no nose!How does he smell?He’s omnipotent!
With CBS commissioning a new Star Trek series, and Michael Dorn’s talk of a Worf spinoff, we felt it was time to give a spotlight to our favourite omnipotent being, Q. Considering the delicious and grotesque puns used as episode titles whenever he graced the bridge with his presence, we feel as if there are a number of potential shows that could take the franchise in new, cost-effective, and definitely original direction. And there’s just some where we came up with a pun but it didn’t make sense even to us, but we’re running with it anyway because we commit to our half-baked ideas even when they run out of steam after going on too long like this sentence.
Q threatens Picard each week with the destruction of humanity unless he can pay a $50 fine and promise to stop sleeping with those other women.
What task is too menial for an entity? 15 Qs battle for the ultimate prize, a business loan with fellow self-appointed god Alan Sugar, where they are forced every week to clean windows to prove they are serious about their ill-advised telemarketing business. Featuring guest analysis from Simon Brew to cries of “why is this on Den of Geek?”
Q gives a dispassionate list of every event that has ever happened, and then smites Evan Davis for being a prick.
Q has an experiment and tries to raise 0.4 of a child, and encounters difficulties enrolling him into a school, because no one can get their heads around it. See also: Q And A Half Men.
Spinoff of the hit Saw-inspired torture gameshow, except now the cube is a tesseract, and Q will keep you there until your mind can understand the extra spatial dimension.
A slice of life drama about the immortal occupants of an East London pub. Q shocks Q by announcing his engagement to Q, Q fights for his life after being run over by Q, and Grant Mitchell calls someone a slag.
Q hosts the comedy panel show where he is the Q master, and mocks the other guests for not knowing his increasingly obscure facts, despite him making half of them up. Featuring Scott Bakula as the ‘hick’ panellist.
Children’s magazine show in which Q teaches children how to change the gravitational constant of the universe using sticky back plastic. Children who learn how to mould reality to their own desires can be awarded the coveted Q Peter badge, which is π dimensional.
FA Qup Football
Q presents coverage of next century’s infinity-a-side match between Q and Q, which will end Q-all to Q. No one will watch it, though, because it’s on BT Sport.
The Jeremy Qyle Show
Q meets members of the public and mocks them for being mortal and poor. Basically like the current Jeremy Kyle Show, except with a host that is actually omnipotent and doesn’t just think he is.
In this gritty New York cop drama, Q rubs his colleagues up the wrong way by always knowing who the murderer is, on account of his omniscience.
Have I Got Qs For You
Impartial and definitely unscripted panel show in which impartial team captains Q and Q and impartial guest host Jeremy Corbyn impartially discuss the news of the future.
Tomorrow Morning With Richard And Qdy
Q and husband Richard Madeley discuss inappropriately horrific real life tragedies about to befall people on this daytime magazine program. Featuring unnervingly accurate horoscopes.
The world’s hardest gameshow returns with Q-master Q. Featuring such questions as ‘what is the meaning of life?’, and for philosophy students, ‘do you want fries with that?’
After a time travel experiment gone wrong, Captain Jonathan Archer finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and then ends up in a bar with God and it doesn’t really make sense and ends disappointingly.
He-Man And The Masters Of The Qniverse
The joke here is that Q wears a bra and fights Skeletor, which actually makes as much sense as the original but wouldn’t sell as many toys.
The Q Team
Q puts together a team of crack commando squadron of Enterprise officers accused of violating the prime directive, and uses his god like powers to make a tank each week.
Red Q Diaries
Softcore pornography series where Q has sex with Tasha Yar in impossible positions, like trying out the Kama Sutra if it had been drawn by Escher.
Q Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown
Out of spite, Q makes his own spinoff of the spinoff, and changes the format to replace all the letters with Q, include an imaginary numbers round, and change the countdown qnundrum to contain a million letters. At the end, he condemns humanity to death for being a dangerous, savage, child race. Thanks, Jimmy Carr.
Q’ve Been Framed
‘Hilarious’ home videos of omnipotent entities getting into all sorts of scrapes. Laugh as Q accidentally loses Orion’s Belt. Cry as Q Junior accidentally smacks his head against a see-through asteroid. Throw up as Q tries DIY, and ends up destroying all life in the cosmos. Each video sent in wins £√-1 in book tokens.