Sons of Anarchy: The 10 Sexiest Badasses of SAMCRO

Who doesn’t like a bad boy (or girl)? You know what I am talking about. The kind of date you are afraid to take home to meet your parents. The kind who make Mickey and Mallory from Natural Born Killers look positively conservative. The rebel, the lost cause, the nmarriable (but totally bedable)! Every show has at least one: Shane from The Walking Dead, Gannicus from Spartacus, Deb from Dexter, Lucky Luciano and Gillian Darmody from Boardwalk Empire…you get the idea. If there is one show chock full of sexy badasses (and no I am not talking about True Blood) it would have to be Sons of Anarchy. Here are the most irresistible…although you may hate yourself in the morning.

Sons of Anarchy is loosely based on/inspired by Shakespeare’s Hamlet. But Sagal’s portrayal of Gemma (the defacto Queen of the club) could give her namesake, Queen Gertrude, a serious run for her money. Gemma is a powerhouse, and Sagal’s performance has been a five season tour de force. Not only is she a total badass in skinny jeans and stilettos, unafraid to engage in fisticuffs with her husband (when not actively trying to get him killed), but she isn’t above getting completely wasted at the local bar, then taking Jimmy Smits and two hookers home for a tryst. And I am pretty sure that was the same bar she hooked up with Joel McHale at a few days later. Gemma is like the unholy offspring of a black widow and the Energizer Bunny and rest assured, if you piss her off, she’s got a Glock in her purse and knows how to use it.

Oh, Charlie Hunnam, how sexy are you? Let me count the ways: first you played fresh faced Nathan Maloney on Queer as Folk, now you play the hard-bitten but ridiculously good looking King of an outlaw biker gang, and soon you will feature as transparent sadomasochist sex object Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Porn for Middle Aged Ladies. Jax is the ultimate bad boy, and he sure takes after his mother, Gemma. Yes, he will let you wear his biker jacket while you have sex, but he might also inject you with a giant needle full of heroin afterwards. And then tell his old lady you were merely one of the hundreds of women he screwed in an effort to get over her (Season 1). See ladies? Not only is he loyal, the man is a true romantic!

I love a man who can work a suit, and hoo-boy, does August Marks work a suit like nobody’s business. Sure, he is a bit on the quiet side and spends most of his time dismembering misbehaving gang bangers (or just shooting them in the head, execution style), but I prefer to think of him as mysterious. You know, in that psycho killer sort of way. While we don’t know what his romantic proclivities are just yet, Marks was only introduced last season, I have my fingers crossed that he will have a more prominent sexy-time role in Season 6 (when he’s not too busy arranging Ron Perlman’s assassination).

Theo Rossi is cuter than a barrel full of baby animals. He has a smile like sunshine, he looks great in just his boots and an adult diaper, and he man cries on screen. A lot. And not in a pathetic way, but in an adorable way. Imagine watching a baby bunny cry; a baby bunny with a six pack. He is the quintessential sensitive bad boy who runs guns and drugs, bangs hookers, and kills people. Although to be fair, he feels really, really, bad after murder.

Fun fact: Rossi’s adorable on screen presence is only topped by his adorable off screen presence where he is knee deep in charitable organizations for veterans and Hurricane Sandy victims.

So cute, so petite, so blonde. She looked totally harmless until she clubbed Gemma with a blackjack and handed her over to white supremacists. The daughter of a gun-running Nazi/cigar shop owner/CIA informant, Polly had a lot going on. She was the kind of girl you would want to take home to mother, but only if she never spoke. Ever. Poor Polly was on the fast track to become Queen of the Hitler Youth, but she was not quite fast enough and ended Season 2 face down in a puddle of her own blood. Still she was pretty cute (and unfortunately Jones keeps landing major roles in cancelled shows).

Tara is basically Gemma-in-training. Minus Jimmy Smits, Joel McHale, and the hookers. So…Gemma without the fun. Although it was pretty hilarious when the two of them killed a girl together in Season 3. Tara is Jax’s old lady; a title she had to claw her way up ten miles of rock and glass strewn road for. It was harder than getting through med school. She is young, tough, and not above having sex with her hubby in the same room as the bullet strewn body of her ex-boyfriend (Season 1). Trust me, behind that respectable veneer of “doctor” this sexy kitten is up to her eyeballs in gangland drama, and if you cross her she has a mechanic’s bay full of bikers on speed dial who can shut you up for good.

While Hurst is a sexy giant of a man, his character Opie was just a tragic mess. And I am not just talking about the floppy hat and facial hair that lasted five seasons too many. Not a natural born killer, he was driven to escalating violence through prolonged seasons of what felt like Opie torture written purely for Sutter’s own amusement. Lucky for us ladies though, his wife was gunned down early on (Season 1), so we got to enjoy the spectacle of him hooking up and getting serious with a porn star. See? Some bad boys ARE the marrying type!

I don’t care if he is older than my father, Jimmy Smits is the mother-fricken MAN. As Nero, the head of his own gang and the owner of a stable of sexy ho’s; he has impressed Gemma with his sensitivity. Yes, just like Juice, Nero is a murdering pimp with a romantic side. He killed for her. He bought her love birds. I am assuming he did not make her pay for overtaxing his hookers. See? Sensitive! Plus, he spent most of last season blowing through his life savings in order to get Jax out of trouble, watching various friends and family die due to his association with her (including his half-sister), and yet still forgave her for the whole cheating on him with Joel McHale and her ex-husband debacle. You have got to love a big hearted gangster.

Reformed heroin addict and mother of Jax’s child, Wendy has cleaned up nicely. And while she may no longer be the sexy bad girl of Season 1, I would bet good money that any man who gets mixed up with her had better watch their ass. Any association with SAMCRO, no matter how remote, will shorten your lifespan considerably.

Full disclosure: I HEART me some Kim Coates, and as Tig, he has all the finer qualities of a bad boy. He puts his biker family first (bros before hos), he will quite literally nail anything (woman, transvestite, horse, attractive corpse, possibly Juice, almost Gemma) that is not nailed down. He is not afraid to don a pink bathrobe while rummaging around a strangers house, looking for lube, because while he is a “big man” he is still a sensitive lover. He will kill on command. He will screw up and kill the wrong person by accident. He will feel really tormented about it later, drink a lot, and still be okay for sexy time. Because for Tig, there is ALWAYS time for sexy time.

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