Scream Queens Season 2 Episode 9 Review: Lovin’ the D

This is the first time on Season 2 (or any season) of Scream Queens you’ll witness the Chanels studying. Or pretending to.

Among the highly improbable things that may or may not have happened on this week’s episode are murdered mannequins, pink feathered minidresses in the operating room, poisoned coffee, a bathtub full of frying oil, cannibal brain-eating disease, and the Chanels taking the MCATs. 

This happened. The Chanels took the MCATs. 

Not that any of these spacebrains would have ever even touched what is supposed to be the most brain-liquefying test in the known universe with a single French-manicured fingernail. You know you have a problem when keeping your hospital open depends on these faux med students legally becoming real med students and #3 vapidly asks “What’s an MCAT?” while #5 is mindlessly playing with a pink latex glove balloon. 

The biggest mystery of the entire series—besides the fact that they’re still breathing—is how these career party-girl fashionistas even managed to graduate college. It would be a real medical miracle if there’s one viable brain between the three of them. Even The MCAT for Dummies probably wouldn’t penetrate the diamond-encrusted skull (à la Damien Hirst) of someone whose gray matter is actually pink and glittery and smells like expensive perfume with an undertone of antiseptic cleaner, but the prospect of your face being broadcast to millions of viewers on primetime TV can make you do things.

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The TV show that actually convinces the Chanels to study is Lovin’ the D, starring Dr. Scarlett Lovin (Brooke Shields). If it just me or does that immediately take you back to MTV’s Loveline from the ‘90s?  Saccharine names and sexual innuendo aside, you really have to think outside the Tiffany box when it comes to bribing Chanel & Co. to actually crack a book, and a mildly inappropriate show starring a supermodel doctor is the prescription. It has to be after they seem relatively unfazed by the editor-in-chief of the New England Journal of Medicine suspecting unorthodox practices going on in the hospital. Turns out his reporter managed to leak something before the Green Meanie’s machete silenced him. 

Then Dr. Lovin and her producer pretty much materialize in the doorway and mention they want to live-stream a surgery. If not taking the test could potentially hit Lovin’ the D Productions with a lawsuit and ruin Chanel Oberlin’s shot at becoming the TV doctor she’s wanted to be for the past month (literally the past month), she’s ready to brave the test—so much so that she asks whether she can take it right away at the DMV. 

Glittery dreams of being broadcast cleaning up bodily fluids on a medical talk show sure make you forget there’s a serial killer or three stalking the halls.   

While Chanel gives Dr. Brock a migraine and homicidal urges with her version of “studying” until the three oft hem sit down with their hot pink feathered pencils and blinged-out calculators to take the test, the Green Meanie Summit is being brazenly held in the original Meanie’s aptly decorated apartment, faux-reptile lampshade and all, though none of CURE Institute’s most wanted have their machetes on hand. They play who-killed-who like it’s some sort of game show with Vanna White turning over a headshot of someone every time someone admits to offing that person. The last few episodes unmasked Cassidy Cascade (expected via Zayday’s research) and Nurse Awful (even more expected) as two out of three unnaturally glowing swamp things. 

Now think back to that eerily familiar face from last week’s episode, another one of Munsch’s boy toys with ulterior motives. Think even further back to the driver’s seat of a certain minivan as the father of a soon-to-be college freshman reluctantly pulls into the parking lot of her dorm. That’s right, Grace is his daughter. This is the same Grace who went certifiably insane after the Red Devil murders to the point that she was permanently locked up in the asylum the Chanels managed to slither out of. Never mind he just happens to be the brother of Mrs. Hollis who swore revenge on the hospital for her husband’s Halloween murder in 1986. If you remember correctly about him having multiple baby mamas, he’s also Hester’s dad. Homicide must run in the family. 

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Meanwhile, Zayday is still MIA, stuck in what looks like subterranean spiderweb against a glowing green backdrop (for ambience?) conveniently located under the floorboards of Mrs. Hollis’ bedroom…