Once Upon a Time: White Out review

Little Bo Peep by way of Deadwood, a little more Captain Hook, and a lot more Frozen on this week's Once Upon a Time.

This Once Upon a Time review contains some mild spoilers.

Sometimes I worry that the writers of Once Upon a Time have developed the technology to record my innermost desires without my knowledge or consent. I am not paranoid, I am just proposing a logical supposition based on the fact that tonight they had Deadwood’s Calamity Jane playing Little Bo Peep, cockney warlord. While I can’t, admittedly, say that this was a specific dream of mine, seeing it on screen tonight made it abundantly clear that this was something my heart needed to witness.

In the immortal if hyperbolic words of my roommate, a longtime fan of the show: “Finally. After HOW many seasons they do something really right!” While the show doesn’t always understand what to do with women, or romantic relationships, or, you know, friendships, introducing a subverted version of Bo Peep was a brilliant move. It was a nice quasi-comedic palate cleanser, prepping us for the sure to be epic battle between Ilsa and a woman who is surely The Snow Queen, yes? I love that we get two icy (literally) blondes battling it out. It reminds me of a lot of church functions I went to as a kid. I am a child of WASPs.

Did anyone else feel slightly mortified for Ginnifer Goodwin this week? I did some sleuthing (and by that I mean one quick Google search and then basic math) and deduced that she was seconds away from having her real baby while this episode was shot. Still, if Goodwin was there and able to work they could have given her storyline this week that was better than “Ginnifer Goodwin tries to turn the power back on and eventually her boobs help her solve the problem.”

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Think about it. That is ACTUALLY what occurred. It’s a shame, too. In fact, I almost would have rather seen Goodwin sit this one out altogether rather than have the carrot of her new role dangled before us and then tugged away to no avail.

Grumpy and Gran point out that essentially, Snow is the Mayor now and thus responsible for the town. While this is technically not how democracy works, we will give them all a pass since they come from a land where government can most politely be called — at its best — an Absolute Monarchy. You tell Snow she’s running the show and then drag her to a power plant to get the lights on? No. That’s dumb. You send her to town hall, you have her meet with Regina. You don’t have her futz with a fuse box. Of course, I will be willing to overlook all of this should next week feature a prolonged sequence wherein Snow quietly and enthusiastically redecorates Regina’s office.

Two things before I go. The first, a little bit of a whine. Gold’s getting to be too problemattic as a character for me. He seems less and less real each week, and more like a stereotypically broad villain. You could chalk up all his decisions to withhold information from others to his selfishness, but that doesn’t explain away why people haven’t figured out that when they need an answer Gold always, always, always has the answer. Come on, let’s shift the burden of a knowledge a little!

My whining done, let us discuss how I think the whole Emma and Hook thing (I WILL NOT SAY CAPTAIN SWAN, Y’ALL) is really working this season! Last season the conflict wasn’t there for me, and Emma’s grief over Neal seemed way too fresh. Now, the timing seems right and the sparks are flying. I love it. Sexually speaking. I mean…what? END OF REVIEW NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG FOLKS.

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4 out of 5