New Girl, Season 2, Episode 16: Table 34, Review

Nick, you are such a douchenozzle.

I didn’t think it was possible for two characters to go from having a breakthrough moment like last week’s (Nick and Jess’s long awaited kiss), to completely devolving into immature idiots. No, it’s not possible. Never could that happen. Development, development always, is television’s cry!

Then I watched the latest New Girl episode and was proved spectacularly wrong in that assumption.

The episode picks up where last week’s left off. Nick and Jess just kissed. They are in their respective rooms, freaking out. Jess decides to leave her room to confront Nick. Nick meets her in the hall. He moonwalks away from her in terror. Weird coping mechanism (or rather, noncoping mechanism), but ok, Nick can be weird, I’ll buy it.

Then Sam wakes up and he and Jess do their morning fist bump (no, that’s not a sexual thing, get your heads out of the gutter). She flees to CeCe, where she tells her the entire story. CeCe nods and listens and encourages Jess to share…details…about the kiss. Turns out, CeCe hasn’t been laid in over a month, but she’s going to a marriage/speed dating convention for Indians today, so hopefully that will help. Jess decides to tag along.

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The guys also attend the convention because Schmidt, who of course is not over CeCe (even though he said so last episode), is attending as well in his quest to win CeCe back. Looking like a reject extra from the set of Aladdin, he, Nick (also Turbaned) and Winston (in a traditional Indian shirt) run into Jess and CeCe at the registration table. And the predictable “why are you here what are you doing” between Jess and Nick and CeCe and Schmidt ensues. Winston just stands around looking smug because, courtesy of last episode, he got laid and therefore has his mojo back. This backfires of course when the slightly scary cougar who is running the marriage/dating convention has the hots for him.

The rest of the episode is spent at the convention, with Schmidt being embarrassing, Jess calling Sam to avoid talking with Nick and Winston trying to avoid the cougar lady. 

Right, I’m going to get the other character’s storylines out of the way so I can get to bashing Nick and Jess. Schmidt notices CeCe gets put on a “loser” table and feels bad for her and of course makes a romantic yet completely inappropriate and politically incorrect speech that gets tons of guys interested in her. Later, they fall into bed together. Predictable, but I’m glad they’re back together. Sort of.

Winston yells at Nick when he finds out Nick kissed Jess and then gets rid of the cougar lady by offering her a geeky white guy with “the same build” in place of him. Uh, what? I call shenanigans on this and also weird and ewww.

Now finally to the two culprits of the night: Nick and Jessica. Yes, I understand, it’s noticeably awkward when you impulsively take a friendship to the next level. But Jess, isn’t the infuriating passion you have with Nick what you’ve been longing for? And Nick, isn’t the kooky, brave, stability that is Jess the girl you need to kickstart your life back into gear?


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Apparently not. Jess spends the entire episode denying the kiss meant anything (this from a character who previously, always had the balls to own up to strong and sometimes extremely embarrassing emotions). Then, she tells Sam and he dumps her. She then spends the end of the episode crying to Taylor Swift’s song “22” (good song, but not exactly something I would pick post dump) and further not admitting to Nick the kiss meant something. She does however, admit Sam was most likely not meant to be because of the fist bump good morning he liked to do, but she hated (seriously guys, it’s really NOT sexual). 

Then there’s Nick.

Oh Nick. You went from being my knight in scruffy armor/caveman/hero/Mr. Darcy who wears plaid and works as a bartender to being a complete loser from a Judd Apatow movie. First, he apologizes to Jess for the kiss. Apologize??? Own up to it man! Say you clearly have feelings for her. Nope, he doesn’t do that. Instead, he says it doesn’t mean anything (what??) and THEN he spends the rest of the episode trying to badger Jess into admitting it meant something and then, AND THEN when she gets dumped by Sam, he dances around to the Taylor Swift song and relishes the fact that handsome, put together Dr. Sam was intimidated by HIM. Him, Nick, loser bartender, the guy who’s roommates secretly slip money into his pockets and put vitamins into his food.

NICK! What?! What happened to sensitive Nick, who always is there for Jess and completely cheers her up when she’s feeling down? What happened to the guy who comes to rescue her from the scary scratching, even though he’s trying to have a GNO? What happened to Nick, the best friend, the great kisser and the guy who builds an unbreakable table with Jess at the convention?

Never mind the fact that CeCe and he have a moment where they realize they are put at the “loser” table because they’re both impulsive (that doesn’t really explain away the kiss, boy-o). Never mind the fact that Nick can be a thirteen year old when it comes to meeting life head on. I thought the kiss episode finally showed he was ready to man up and grow up (not too much, just a little). WHERE IS THE NICK I KNOW AND LOVE AND WHERE IS THE MANLY NICK WHO SHOWED UP LAST EPISODE???

Apparently he was sacrificed to the TV Gods in a “we have to get them together, but we can’t get them together together too soon” annoying, frustrating, audience tease.

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Imagine the loudest scream of frustration. Then jump, because I AM SCREAMING IT RIGHT NOW NEXT TO YOU, IN YOUR EAR!!!!!! 

Oh New Girl, what have you done? Why have you committed such a travesty of building up an arc between two characters, letting it reach apotheosis and then…SPLAT. You let it fall, carelessly and then stepped on it like you do a piece of gum on the sidewalk that’s so dirty it can’t stick to your shoe anymore, it just gets more squished and dirty.

Grrrrrrr. Nick. You’re SUCH a douchenozzle.




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