New Girl, Season 2, Episode 15: Cooler, Review

THEY DID IT! THEY FINALLY DID IT! NICK AND JESS KISSED! THEY DID THE TONGUE TANGO! THEY LOCKED LIPS! THEY MADE OUT! AND IT WAS HOT!!!!

Excuse me while both my hormones and my excited television Geek jump up and down in excited OMG FINALLY!!! Joy.

Ok.

I’m calm.

No, I’m not, but the lead up to the final moment of KISSING was so spectacular, that I can’t wait to live it again by writing all about it. And watching it on my DVR. Multiple, multiple, multiple times.

So, we all knew these two characters would somehow end up together, ever since the episode where their feet pointed at each other. From then on, they grew closer and closer, becomig each other’s best friends and shoulder to cry on; helping each other out when the other was down, being outright silly. It was wonderful seeing this friendship blossom, all the while under the surface there was something clearly, clearly seething, hinting at more…

Kudos, New Girl writers. Now THIS is the way to bring two characters together after a season and a half arc.

And Lord, was it hot. Like, Mr. Darcy coming out of the lake, dripping with water whilst trying to cool his passion for Elizabeth Bennett hot. BBC Miniseries North and South hot (for those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, Netflix it. You’ll thank me). Dr. Who and Rose unrequited love hot. I mean, those two went AT it like they were starving creatures, trying to inhale each other’s essence.

Ok, ok I know, the rest of the episode, right.

Ironically, the episode starts out with Nick in a ladies trench coat that was misdelivered to the loft. Apparently, this coat is magic and makes him feel confident and cool, though it actually only serves to make him look like an idiot. Jess, Winston and Schmidt try to tell him this but, well, being Nick he doesn’t listen. Why a shiny ladies trench coat makes him feel like Bond, James Bond, is somewhat mysterious, but this is Nick we’re talking about. He wears socks when he runs out of underwear.

Of course, as we later learn this trench coat is a METAPHOR for Nick’s insecurities, and it’s only when he’s ready that he can finally take it off and become the awesome, hot, where have YOU been for the past season and a half macho man who grabs Jess like a caveman and plants a hot one on her…

Right, right, the episode.

Due to the three men of the loft having a lack of ladies in their life, Winston, Nick and Schmidt decide to have a guy’s night out. Jess wants to come too. Nick kicks her out and tells her she’s his Cooler (she is, but she ISN’T yea-ah).  Jess looks at him with big, blue wounded eyes but he stands firm. She shuffles out, doing her best Bambi imitation in her sadness. Awwww.

The boys do an awkward going-out dance before hitting the town and head to some fantastic club. Cut to all three sitting at Nick’s bar, nursing beers. They were kicked out of the club because of Nick’s trench coat. Nick still refuses to take it off.

Suddenly, a hot tall redhead walks into a bar. All three men pounce. Winston tries to speak, fails and slinks off. He sits next to a cute Asian chick who tells him his performance was pathetic. He stutters at this one as well, until she shows him an engagement ring. Suddenly, he can speak! He and Daisy (her name) strike up a conversation and she decides to take him up as her project.

Back with the red haired chick, Nick is actually hitting it off with her because apparently she’s turned on by sad guys. Nick, being the epitome of sad sacks of crap is doing well and Schmidt is befuddled. Then…the COOLER strikes! 

Jess, who, after being so bored she: (a) went through her clothes; (b) made a dummy of Nick to talk to (a little creepy, and um, don’t you have a boyfriend you can make a dummy of, Miss?); (c) ran around in underwear on and not on in its proper place; (d) pretended she was a robot; and (e) ran a fake marathon, winning only silver due to those speedy Nigerians, called Nick because she heard a scary scratch at the door. He yells at her, saying “Cooler!” She says, “I need you.” He sighs.

Cut to Nick, Winston, Schmidt, Daisy and the red-haired chick bursting into the loft. Jess runs at them and hugs Nick and the redhead, saying she never wants to be left alone again, while still dressed as a fake marathon runner. Oh, the awkwardness.

Fortunately, awkwardness is easily dispelled by that drinking game of all drinking games: True American. I still have no idea how this game works. Neither does anyone else, including I believe the rest of the loft. I wouldn’t be surprised if rules were just made up on the spot, as Jess makes up rules trying to get Nick together with the redhead and prove she is NOT his Cooler. She is though, since in the middle of her machinations, she ends up locked behind a door with Nick while the others chant, “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” They stare at each other, she in her bra and a tutu (what?) and he in his trench coat. Uh-oh.

 Meanwhile, Winston and Daisy hit it off underneath a table. They exchange banter blah, blah, blah she takes off her engagement ring, surprise, surprise she’s single and ready to mingle and only uses the ring to fend off guys in bars. They hook up in an unsurprising turn of events. What a lovely pairing. Good job, Fox for your token multiracial casting.

As the representing minorities French underneath furniture, Schmidt has made up lost time in portraying himself as sad to the redhead by telling her about CeCe. It sort of works until she tells him that he sounds more depressed than sad. He tells her no! Not sad! He’s totally OVER the hot model, but he needs the redhead’s help to move on fully.

Then, in another unsurprising twist of events, the hot model walks in, complete with her British Indian date. Jess had texted her about something scary. She helps Schmidt get laid by telling him she loves him. Her date is weirded out and leaves. She grabs a beer can and doesn’t seem to care.

Nick and Jess try to kiss behind the door, but they find it weird and Jess finally just tells him to kiss her already! Even Doctor Sam, her boyfriend, who has also shown up courtesy of scared Jess’s message, is cheering them on outside (why he would do this I have no idea, but oh well, give a character a beer can to hold and it explains away a major character writing flaw, right? No, but whatever, I’ll let it go). Jess keeps telling Nick to kiss her, just kiss her already! Until Nick bursts out, “No! Not like this!” 

Whaaaaat?

Jess’s blue eyes widen in a similar whaaaat?! expression. Nick promptly deals with this emotional revelation by climbing out the window and crawling on the ledge to the other side, where the rest of the group sees him. They all think he’s trying to commit suicide, a fair enough assumption when a drunk man in a ladies trench coat leaps out onto a ledge in the middle of the night.

Once Nick’s inside, everyone goes off to their respective beds (with their respective bedmates). Winston to Daisy, Schmidt to the redhead and Jess with Dr. Sam; though not until Dr. Sam points out Nick climbed out onto a window ledge to avoid kissing Jess. Then he smiles, kisses Jess himself and says, “he’s doesn’t know what he’s missing.” From the look Nick shoots their retreating backs, I’m pretty sure he does Dr. Sam, and yes, he finally realizes it….

But wait! The episode is not yet over! Those tricksy New Girl writers! Jess hears a scratching at the door and she calls for, who else, Nick. He comes out to save her by opening the door. There is scratching! It’s a St. Bernard! The owner comes running up, realizes the coat Nick is (yes still) wearing was her delivery and makes him give it back. He does, albeit reluctantly (but he DOES IT).

Untrenched, Jess and Nick wander back to the hall where their rooms are across from each other. They share banter about Trench Coat Nick. She turns away, but then HE GRABS HER! He pulls her into his arms with a ferocious, come here woman expression! She clutches him and boy do they Go. At. It. Like, a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. Talk about pent up repressed feelings finally being let out in one fell make out session.

Finally, they break apart, breathing heavily, and he says, “I meant like that” before turning away and returning to his room. 

SO. HOT.

Much like us, Jess remains staring in shock and completely @$#!#@@$??!! Dr. Sam then comes out and, unaware of what just happened, tosses the Nick dummy out on the floor, saying it creeps him out and he can’t get to sleep. Jess, dazed and confused (yup, made that pun) goes back into her bedroom with her doctor boyfriend. Cut to a shot of dummy Nick on the floor, it’s melon head burst open, contents spilled. What What, Raise da roof, Mad Props to the writers AGAIN for their metaphor of Nick and Jess’s relationship/Nick’s loser status/the loft status quo.

I’m sorry, now that the review part is done, I’m going back to my former state: 

EEEEEEEEEEK! THEY KISSED!!!!!