The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 8, “No One.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
1. Arya Stark
All of that training to become Daredevil totally paid off! Our girl Arya did it in the dark y’all, and she came out victorious, holding The Waif’s terrifying face. I’m actually just going to pretend that I didn’t see Arya sprinting, jumping off buildings, and baseball sliding through the streets of Braavos a mere day(s? I don’t know, Game of Thrones time is confusing) after being shanked like her half-brother…and her actual brother, and his wife, and…well, lots of Starks have been shanked, okay? I’m going to pretend that Arya wasn’t barely stitched together and just enjoy that our time in the House of Black and White has concluded. I pounded my chest a little bit when Arya reclaimed her name and expressed her desire to return to Winterfell. Based on my understanding of how long it takes to travel on this show, she should easily be present at the battle next week, with even a little extra time to catch up and get some ale with the Hound, and maybe she’ll even have a little time for some R&R, who knows?
2. Jaime Lannister
“You’re gonna shut your mouth and let me monologue,” Jaime Lannister bellowed in this episode, and monologue he did. After an emotional little Cold War with his side chick Brienne, Jaime got to shed some of the heroic image he’s been building the last few seasons and show his temper and true heart; he’ll kill everyone, including Breinne, that gets in the way of him and Cersei. Luckily, Jamie doesn’t have to kill anyone, at least not directly, and convinces Edmure to help him take back Riverrun peacefully, but only after showing his fangs. We haven’t seen the vicious side of Jaime in a while, and it’s a welcome sight. Leading the Lannister army without losing a single man is a great win, so now he better hightail it back to King’s Landing and help Cersei stomp out the Faith.
3. The Hound
So much for living a life of peace, eh? Two episodes back, The Hound is already disemboweling bitches. After getting in some axe swinging practice on an unlucky group of travelers, The Hound catches up with the murdering posse that took out Brother Ray and all of his devoted followers. Problem is, Beric Dondarrion, Thoros of Myre and the Brotherhood Without Banners remerge after a 3 season absence to beat The Hound to the punch. Fortunately for us, The Hound hasn’t lost his wry, no bullshit bargaining techniques and manages to claim two of the murderers lives for his own, even if he has to settle for a bloodless hanging. What really makes The Hound a winner this week is that it seems the way of thinking that Brother Ray introduced to The Hound about his role in life has made an impact, and The Hound listens to his former enemies as they try to recruit him for the wars to come. That’s certainly progress in my book! When was the last time you demonstrated growth as a person?
4. The Masters
The cartoonishly evil Masters reneged on their deal with Tyrion Lannister and showed up squad deep, guns a’blazing in Mereen surprising absolutely no one but Tyrion Lannister. I guess it’s easy to pull a fast one on a drunk. I really hope the Masters enjoy their moment in the sun before their ships get torched worse than Stannis’ at the Battle of the Blackwater. It’s not their fault though, they didn’t know that Daenerys was just going to pop back in to the Pyramid after seven weeks away, becoming a master dragon rider in the process. They were striking while the cat was away, you have to give these mice credit. You know what? I’m sure it will work out for these guys. No, they totally wont end up like toasted marshmallows, or as dragon food. Yeah, sure, it will be fine.
5. The Mountain
We finally saw this freakshow in action this week, and though it wasn’t the massacre we were all not so secretly hoping for, this dude still RIPPED A DUDE’S HEAD OFF HIS FREAKING BODY! He was stabbed in his barrel chest and homeboy didn’t even flinch or grunt he just RIPPED A DUDE’S HEAD OFF HIS FREAKING BODY! We’re not getting another trial by combat because we’re not allowed to have nice things on Game of Thrones, but oh my god, can you imagine what he’d do in another one of those? I’d settle for nothing less than seeing someone’s spinal column yanked out of their back. The Mountain, Zombie Andre the Giant in a suit of armor, proved his might, and I’m hungry for more, he probably is too.
1. Cersei Lannister
I think I’ve asked a few times now how it could get worse for Cersei. My bad, girl, I think I might be cursing you, cause shit just got worse for like the fifth time. No trial by combat means Cersei’s ace in the hole has been swiped from her hand. Her isolation from every other living soul besides Qyburn (I’m not counting The Mountain) was never more apparent this week as she watched the royal decree not by the side of her son, but by herself in the back. With Jaime gone and no friends or even friendly acquaintances to lean on, Cersei has never been more vulnerable, and now she’ll have to face an honest trial where she could be found guilty and put to death. The ramifications of that verdict could have implications that could potentially be very far reaching, and who knows what Qyburn whispered in her ear but this ain’t the gossip column, we’re here to keep score, and Cersei looked like a Draymond Green-less, just got gangbanged by Kyrie Irving and LeBron James, Golden State Warriors team in Game 5.
2. Tyrion Lannister
First of all dude, you’ve been sitting around playing drinking games with people who don’t drink for weeks. That’s pathetic, you used to be so cool. Second, you totally got burned by The Masters, literally like every person said you would. Witty jokes and fine wine may be enough to broker a deal in Westeros, but these are the badlands, baby. The same rules don’t apply. Breaking bread with your enemies and planning a peaceful phase out of slavery was never going to work, and while you were sitting around dreaming of vineyards and The Imp’s Delight, the Masters were sailing right in to mess Mereen up. Luckly, just like at The Blackwater, someone arrived right at the nick of time that’s equipped to save the day. Time to sober up, hand the reins back over to Queen D, and sit back until your skills are needed when Dany finally sails for your home continent.
3. The Blackfish
It pains me to call this old rebel a loser, cause he went out like a supreme badass, pride and honor in tact. There is a possibility that the Blackfish could be alive, I mean, we never actually saw him die and The Hound is now alive and well. But assuming that he’s dead, House Tully seems to be snuffed out with him. Sure, Edmure and his child are still alive, but Edmure will essentially be a prisoner and his child will certainly be raised as a Lannister, only with a different name. Riverrun, The Blackfish’s home, now belongs to the Freys, and after seeing what those mongrels like, I couldn’t imagine a worse fate for the castle. The saddest part about this whole situation is that the Tully men didn’t have his back, they supported a hapless prisoner over a proud warrior. It’s a shame that The Blackfish wasn’t able to lend Sansa and Jon a hand in their war, but he had his own to fight, and he lost.
4. Edmure Tully
Doing the complete opposite of The Blackfish and totally bitching out, Edmure Tully singlehandedly delivered Riverrun to Jaime Lannister and his forces. Edmure has been disappointing The Blackfish since the day that we met them and he hasn’t changed a bit. Edmure had the gall to try to make Jaime Lannister feel guilty about his actions, and he totally regretted that as Jaime brought verbal hell down on him, threatening his life, the lives of his family, and pretty much everyone else. Edmure cracked under the pressure of a dope monologue and completely sold out his uncle. Lacking the feistiness of his family members, Edmure wasn’t able to sack up, stay strong, and put his life on the line. Now he’ll have to live the rest of his days at Casterly Rock knowing that he’s a loser.
5. The Waif
This was one scary chick. I was straight up convinced The Waif was the Terminator from Terminator 2 and that she’d go all liquid on us. She had the same scary, intensely serious face, and she even had the same goofy run! C’mon, we’ve all seen Terminator 2, you know exactly what I’m talking about. For whatever reason, this icy shrew had it out for our girl Arya since day one. Perhaps she was jealous, maybe she was threatened, or maybe she could smell that noble background on her, but for whatever reason The Waif hated Arya and wasn’t going to stop until she quit and was subsequently killed. But when The Waif couldn’t close the job on the first attempt, and then walked right into Arya’s blackout trap, it became clear that only one of them was worthy to be member of The House of Black and White, and there name isn’t No One, it’s Stark.
Bronn and Pod – Awww, they love each other! They’re boys! – WINNERS
Brienne of Tarth – Couldn’t secure Tully forces. – LOSER
Greyworm – Kid’s got jokes. – WINNER
Daenerys Targaryen – She doesn’t even need to do a pump speech anymore, just her presence is enough. – WINNER
Beric Dondarrion, Thoros of Myre, and The Brotherhood Without Banners – It’s these guys! Remember these guys?! – WINNERS
The Dude Who Had His Head Ripped Off – Had his head ripped off his freaking body. – LOSER
Tommen – A stupid, soft, Muppet Baby. – LOSER