Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers – Week 6

The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.

Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 6, “Blood of My Blood.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.  

*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*

WINNERS 

1. The High Sparrow

This old geezer has to be singing, “Hallelujah, eat shit Lannisters!” Well, I suppose his holiness wouldn’t say “shit,” but you get the point. The only real opposition that the Faith Militant’s forces could have faced would have been the King’s army, but the High Sparrow eliminated that threat by securing the crown under his thumb. All it took was some friendly lectures delivered like a sitcom dad by the Sparrow and the influence of Your Holy Babeness Queen Margaery to get King Pillsbury Doughboy to align the Crown and the Faith. The High Sparrow was cheesing so hard when Tommen came down those stairs, he knew he had the game all locked up.

Full disclosure: I find the happenings of King’s Landing to be wildly boring these days. We’ve been stuck with this Faith Militant crap for what feels like an entirety and the whole storyline feels so inconsequential when you have White Walkers and dragons blowing up the spot. But I can’t ignore what the episode devoted so much of its time toward, and that time was devoted to the High Sparrow rubbing Jaime Lannister’s nose in it.

2. Arya Stark 

While we’re talking about storylines that I’m over, I am so glad that Arya Stark chucked up the deuces to the House of Black and White this week. After trying to become no one for so long, Arya was coerced by the magic of the theatre and decided to leave it all behind, take a bus to the big city and try to become a star! Just playing, our resident badass here decided to not go through with killing the actress and immediately went and retrieved Needle. The play reminded Arya of the world that she was abandoning and the people within it that she still had to punish, and when she tried to give pointers on how to make the monologue “Cersei” delivers more meaningful, it just made it clear that she should never rest until she crosses each name off of her list. A girl is someone, a girl is Arya Stark, and a girl is still mad as hell.

3. Daenerys Targaryn

Yo, that speech though! THAT SPEECH! Sorry, I listened to that speech and then I got so jacked up that I cannonballed into the center of the Earth and knocked the planet of its axis. My bad. You can ignore the subtitles of this speech and just listen to the incomprehensible, fake language and still get enough energy to win the Indy 500 on foot. I need LeBron James to give a speech that’s half as ferocious to the Cavs before the start of the Finals. I haven’t even acknowledged yet that this beautiful warrior-champion delivers this god dream from the back of a fucking dragon! If Dany didn’t get you hyped, then congratulations, you’re dead inside. I mean, this storyline is as stale as the two I slagged on above, but I’m optimistic that this speech is a signal that things are about to turn up a little.

4. Samwell Tarly 

If you haven’t noticed, this episode was not crazy exciting. If Samwell Tarly is one of the main focuses of your episode, well then your episode is pretty whack. Hey, I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules on what makes interesting TV, but after six seasons I know more screentime for Sam ain’t it.

read more: Game of Thrones Season 8 Predictions and Theories

Anyway, Sam returned home this week to get fat-shamed by his Dad a little bit and hear how horrible and uncivilized his girlfriend is. Uplifting! Sam sort of just takes it from Poppa Tarly, but after a little pep talk and reassurance from Gilly, Sam the Slayer is reawakened and he takes his family, and Chekhov’s, Valyrian steel sword Heartsbane out of Horn Hill, vowing never to split with them again. I guess that makes Gilly the Daddy Issue Slayer.

5. Margaery Tyrell

So I am not entirely convinced that Margaery has drank the Kool-Aid and is the reborn believer like she’s claiming to be. Sure, she’s sporting big crazy eyes when she preaches the gospel to dim bulb Tommen and she stands beside him as he defies both of their families, but I have a feeling Margaery has a trick up her sleeve to regain the upper hand, and as she’s always done, she’s adapting to the situation. Remember, Margaery pretended to like Joffrey; she can be a convincing actress when she needs to be.  Margaery is the real reason that Tommen embraced the Sparrow and not his family, I believe that she’s just waiting for the right opportunity to turn him against the Faith Militant too and be left as the only influence on the boy King.

LOSERS

1. Jaime and Cersei Lannister

Well they did not see that one coming. Jaime was pretty much flabbergasted when his own flesh and blood endorsed extremism over family ties. Now after decades spent as a member of the King’s Guard, Jaime is out of the job and forced to oversee the Lannister army as they head to the Riverlands to deal with the Black Fish and his army. At least he still has that dope jacket underneath all of that armor. Jaime is angry that once again, war is separating him from his beloved Cersei, and the last time they were separated, it did not end hand…somely. While Jaime’s away from King’s Landing, Cersei will still have to stand trial. Opting for a trail by combat, she’s pretty comfortable she’ll win with the Mountain in her corner, but with officially no one else left in King’s Landing in her corner, Cersei will be left pretty vulnerable if everything does not go according to plan, and when isn’t that the case?

2. Tommen Baratheon

This goober continues to amaze me by being an utterly clueless oaf. Tommen, take a long hard look at Mace Tyrell. THIS IS YOUR FUTURE! Let’s be real, you probably don’t have much of a future ahead of you, because you’re simple bitch, yes, but also because of the prophecy Cersei heard as child. Something tells me being used as a pawn in a war for control of King’s Landing and being completely oblivious to it will not help keep Tommen out of harm’s way. It’s unknown whether it’s the Faith Militant or Margaery that’s truly pulling the strings, but they forced Tommen to betray the people that really have his best interest at heart. At least Joffrey was stupid with arrogance, Tommen is just stupid with ignorance.

3. Edmure Tully

If you don’t remember this Fail Son don’t feel too bad, I wouldn’t remember this loser who couldn’t shoot an arrow to save his life either. If it weren’t for the event that Edmure is related to, nobody would think about Catelyn Stark’s lightweight little brother at all. But alas, The Red Wedding was Edmure’s wedding; he is forever associated with having a wedding that’s significantly worse than having a dry wedding, which we all know to be awful. Since his big night, Edmure has been toiling away in Walder Frey’s dungeons, which I assume smell like Werther’s Originals, Bengay Cream, and piss. Now Edmure is back in the spotlight for all of the wrong reasons, to be used as a bargaining chip in Lord Frey’s battle against Edmure’s uncle, the Blackfish. Let’s hope that shitbag Walder treats Edmure better than he treated Rob Stark.

4. Melessa Tarly

Look, I realize that Randyll Tarly could as easily be placed in this spot, after having Heartsbane stolen by a person he assumed to be an ineffectual, fat, coward, but Samwell’s mother, poor, sweet Melessa Tarly has to live with that bald monster. Tywin Lannister looks like a prop comedian next to Randyll Tarly. Sharing a home with that severe, boorish blowhard makes Melessa a loser each and every day that she has to suffer his company. Make his face a tad more punchable and add some dead animals, and this could have been Sansa’s life had she married Joffrey. Seeing such a powerless woman after watching this list be dominated and conquered by badass heroines week after week just feels wrong. Let’s get out of Horn Hill, GoT, you’re bumming me out.

5. Benjen Stark

Melessa may be living a sad life, but consider the way that lost Night’s Watch Ranger and Ned Stark’s brother Benjen Stark has been spending his days since disappearing behind the Wall. Homeboy is actually, like, pretty much dead. He’s basically a wight with more charm and better hair, blue-skinned and bored, battling White Walkers and waiting for Bran. Did I see this dude drink blood? They’re drinking Dornish wine in King’s Landing and this dude is drinking rabbit blood? That can’t be fun. Top it all off, Benji had Dragon Glass shoved into his heart, which was responsible for him becoming a babysitting Jack Frost. The other guy who had that happen thought that it hurt so bad that he decided he was going to kill all of mankind. Benjen may have found new purpose by discovering Bran, but for some reason I find this dude’s existence Jorah-levels of sad.

read more: Game of Thrones Season 8 – Everything We Know

QUICK HITS

The Waif – She’s getting the showdown that she, and we all, have been waiting for. – WINNER

Mace Tyrell – The OG Fail Son. – LOSER

The Actress – Alive and got some killer notes from Arya for her monologue. – WINNER

Gilly – Looking good, girl. – WINNER

Walder Frey – He’s got Blackfish problems, but he’s still got Edmure. – WINNER

Dickon Tarly – That name… – LOSER

Jaimie’s dope jacket – Always – WINNER