The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 4, “Book of the Stranger.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
1. Daenerys Targaryen
Queen D had to remind y’all. No, seriously, she had to reenact an entire scene from season one, albeit this time with more witnesses and casualties, to help us remember that Dany is pretty much a superhero too. Unburnt is thrown in her long title for a reason, don’t you forget it. She can take a Hot Pocket right out of the microwave and immediately take a bite, and yep, Unburnt, mouth unscathed. Incredible.
For real though, Dany decides to take Khal Moro and the other Dothraki leaders out by burning their asses down. As all the Dothraki commoners gathered, the KGG (Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, keep up) emerged in her nude glory forcing them all to bow down to her pink badness. Tyrion may have negotiated a little peace with Dany’s enemies, but now it seems like a Dothraki army may help our girl restore some order.
2. Sansa Stark
Sansa is not taking orders from anyone anymore, she’s giving them. Finally done being the victim, Sansa makes plain and clear to Jon Snow that she will be taking back their home of Winterfell, and he can mope his way in line behind her, or he can go mope somewhere else. Sansa was just eliciting a lot of “Yaaas Kweeen” out of me this week, talking about rounding up the Stark bannermen and kicking down Toad Face Bolton’s door. She even had a cool moment of self-reflection about how she may not have been the nicest to Jon growing up, which would be easy for her to forget after all of the horrid things she’s been through. Sansa finally feels grown up and ready to be a player in this game, and she intends to stay on this side of the list from now on.
Petyr Baelish, the chaos agent known as Littlefinger, made his triumphant return tonight and he intends to join the fray. Littlefinger checks in on the young Lord of the Vale, currently going through a hellish version of what some might call puberty, and uses his influence over the former teet sucker to order the Knights of the Vale to ride to Winterfell to support Lady Sansa. Of course, this comes after Littlefinger completely flexes his powers of persuasion on foolish Lord Yohn Royce, almost allowing Royce to be sent through the Moon Door. Littlefinger has the Vale under his…little finger…and since the Lords of the Vale sat the War of the Five Kings out like reasonable adults, their armies are fresher than mother’s milk. Littlefinger continues to operate.
4. Ramsay Bolton
This scuzz bucket ends up in the winner’s bracket again, but I’m not happy about it. We all knew Osha wasn’t reaching that knife, not against this walking joy butcher. I hated watching him skin that apple all smug like it was that man on the Bolton sigil. To make matters worse, he sends an intimidating letter to Castle Black, taunting Jon Snow by describing his sexual fantasies, i.e. some nightmare-esque shit that he plans to enact on our heroes. He got the reaction he was looking for, and he’s still got a Stark in his dungeon.
5. Tyrion Lannister
Back in the wheelin’ dealin’ political arena, Tyrion is working the Grand Pyramid like his very own House of Cards. T-$ cordially invites his enemies in Slaver’s Bay to negotiate peace and strikes what he believes to be a pretty decent deal; Slaver’s Bay must phase out slavery in seven years and the Masters will no longer fund the Sons of the Harpy in Mereeen. In the political world that Dany’s created of absolutes, this deal rubs many in her court the wrong way, but I must admit it’s a little thrilling seeing the tiny homie back in his element, using his words and charms to achieve his goals. Whether this is a bad deal will likely be irrelevant when Dany returns with a Dothraki army, but I’m just saying, it’s nice to see Tyrion using his gifts again.
1. Khal Moro and the Dothraki Leadership
These chuckleheads messed with the wrong white-haired, pink girl. At first I thought Khal Moro might be a sensible cat that Dany could over time convince to back her cause, but that idea went up in flames faster than this dude and his idiot friends when he started talking tough to my Mother of Dragons. Luckily, their ponytails went up like wicks and these chumps were burnt to a crisp while Dany just stayed stone cold like the brilliant savage that she is. Rest in Ashes, nerds.
Aw man, I really don’t like this. Osha only just returned, and she’s already offed by Ramsay, quietly extinguishing the hopes of some secret coup. It felt cruel of the writers to bring this fan favorite back into our world only to use her as another exhaustive reminder that Ramsay sucks eggs. She didn’t even get to go out with dignity either, she had to pretend that she wanted to have sex with that lunatic, lephrechaun looking bastard. You deserved better, girl.
3. Margaery Tyrell
Times be tough for the Tyrells, especially for Queen Margaery, who’s still locked away in the dungeons of King Landing like her brother, but is also suffering the indignity of having to listen to the High Sparrow’s boring-ass sermons. For a minute there I honestly thought Margaery might crack and fold to Bird Brain’s will, but the minute Margaery gets a moment alone with Loras, she’s all, “don’t let them see you sweat, bro. Wegonbealllliiight.” I commend the Queen for her resilience, but it doesn’t change the fact that the day has been set for Margaery’s very own Walk of Shame, and unless someone like Cersei Lannister tries to do something to help, she better start thinking about how she’ll look with a pixie cut.
4. Jorah Mormont
Let’s get something straight; Jorah Mormont is this list. Jorah Mormont owns the losers bracket. I could justify this dude’s case for being number one on this list every week. He is the King of the Friendzone, the future Stone Man with a stone jaw and eyes full of unrequited love and regret. The object of this pathetic man’s affection has been captured and he’s searching in the hot desert while the guy that she’s banging rhapsodizes about “riding the Dragon,” if you catch his drift. Then this crusty sadsack gets his butt handed to him in a street fight, and right before he gets to greet the sweet warm embrace of a Knight’s death and leave his aching, desperate, longing existence behind, the dude that’s piping out his girl saves his miserable life. Oh, and grey scale. Yikes.
Hey, if you’re someone’s brother this week, chances are you had a bad week, bro. Think about it for a second; Theon returns home to his sister Yara, but she doesn’t let her brother whimper all of his apologies to her, the real Ironborn Greyjoy basically tells Theon to sack up (sorry, buddy) and move forward. When Jon Snow makes his plans known to go on a Sad Boy World Tour because he’s too tired to fight, it’s his sister Sansa that tells him to quit his bitching and go take his home back. The other Stark brother is trapped like Akon in the dungeons of Winterfell. Margaery’s brother Loras Tyrell has lost all will to live, he’s basically Theon like two seasons ago. Look, I could probably stretch this thing out to more characters in some grasping, thin ways, but they say a good argument needs three pieces of evidence and I’ve given you four, so buzz off.
Tormund Giantsbane – *Gets a load of Brienne* “Oh, how you doin’?” – WINNER
Lord Yohn Royce – Punked by Littlefinger, answers to the most uncoordinated boy in the world. – LOSER
Lord Robin Arryn – On one hand, he looks like a live-action version of Goofy’s son Max from The Goofy Movie. On the other hand, he’s got a hawk and a Moon Door. – WINNER
Cersei Lannister – Ate a some shit from Lady Olenna, but she’s finally planning her revenge against the Faith Militant. – WINNER
Darrio Naharis – He “rode the Dragon.” He wins forever. – WINNER
Grand Maester Pycell – I see that side-eye smile you’re throwing at Cersei, you old coot. – WINNER
Tommen Baratheon – [To Cersei] “You don’t like Margeary, do you?” BRILLIANT DEDUCTION, WOW, SUCH A WISE KING. – LOSER
Ser Davos Seaworth – [To Melissandre] “Wait, what happened to Shireen?” – LOSER