The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 3, “Oathbreaker.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
1. Arya Stark
Or is it no one? Whatever, Arya can see again! Her peepers are no longer foggy after enduring a cool training montage and finally besting The Waif in a game of Whack-an-Arya. Hopefully this means that she’s done training with The League of Shadows and now she can become Batman. I’m anxious to see how Arya gets back into the mix without getting swept back up in her identity as a Stark.
2. Ramsay Bolton
Ok, so that Umber bro disrespected Ramsay pretty hard, but now he has another Stark in his mitts, along with Wildling girl Osha. Ramsay would probably say something gross now like, “I like them wild.” Ew, disgusting. Anyway, Toad Face has two new toys to replace the two that he lost, and the Umbers now have his back exactly like he planned. Now, some think the Umbers totally plan to doublecross Ramsay, but I know better than to get my hopes up. Jon Snow returning is an anomaly; monsters like Ramsay win nine times out of 10.
3. Smalljon Umber
This straight talkin’ SOB may have done my boy Pretty Ricky dirty, but he sure seems to have his head on straight. He refuses to bow to the bastard above and is smart enough to know that Papa Roose wasn’t poisoned by any enemies. The other Umber we met, way back in season one, started laughing like a goddamn mad man when he got his fingers bitten off by Robb Stark’s direwolf, so I’d say Smalljon is definitely the thinker of the family. Smalljon had a couple shaggyhaired cards, and he played them. Whether he’s actually working in secret with the Starks remains to be seen, but Smalljon made a huge power play this week. Plus, who talks like that to Ramsay and survives?
4. Samwell Tarly, Gilly, and Baby Sam
So these two may be on a long ass journey on a rocky ship at sea, and Sam may be yacking like me after too many shots of Jamo, but these two are alive and together. If they would have stayed at Castle Black, they surely would have perished like Jon Snow, and I doubt any one would have been pulling to bring them back. These two lovebirds have been through a lot. Who cares that they eat up precious screen time for more interesting characters (i.e. almost everyone else) and who cares that they’re likely going to be in trouble when they head to Samwell’s home in Horn Hill, these two crazy kids are living it!
5. Jon Snow
I was really tempted to put Jon Snow in the loser’s column this week. Yes, he has returned from the dead, but at what cost, right? After remerging from the other side, Jon Snow opens his eyes and says that he saw nothing while he was gone. That’s heavy, dude. He then indirectly admits that he wished they had left him alone, since all of the principles and values that he held only got him killed. The only reason I’m putting Sadjon in the winner’s aisle is the fact that he is free from his duties as a brother of the Night’s Watch. His watch has ended, and now he can go, like, totally bang chicks and not feel guilty about it and stuff.
1. Rickon Stark and Osha
Little Rickon is all grown up and back in the spotlight this week, but a part of me wishes he would have stayed under the radar, now that he and Osha are in the hands of sociopathic, hobgoblin Ramsay Bolton. Since season 3, Rickon and our favorite living Wildling girl (sorry Gilly, RIP Ygritte) have been posted up at Last Hearth with House Umber. It looks like Smalljon Umber was done playing stall ball, waiting for the Starks to rise once again, and decided to make a move at the expense of the youngest Stark’s safety and his poor direwolf’s head. After seeing how Ramsay liked to “play” with Theon and Sansa, Rickon is likely in for some traumatizing shit.
2. Daenerys Targaryen
Back in Vaes Dothrak, Dany is done be condescended by men and is now being dismissed and devalued by fellow women, like that witchy widow leader. Seriously, this woman seems like the leader of one of those Women Against Feminism groups with the way she tells Dany to accept her powerless position. She even reveals to Dany that, since she didn’t join the dosh khaleen immediately following her husband’s death, now rotting away with those other old biddies in that hut is her best case scenario. Not looking good for Dany, but then again, she’s going to have an audience with all of the most powerful Dothraki leaders, could be an ideal time for a dragon to swoop in and show everyone that the Mother of Dragons is legit.
3. Cersei and Jaime Lannister
Ok, so they have Frankenstein’s Mountain on their side, but as Kevan Lannister points out, they can’t just go smashing everyone’s head that doesn’t agree with them (or can they?). The Lannister twins are completely brushed aside by a returning Lady Olenna and the rest of the Small Council, and when they really try to interject, the council pulls a classic “I’m taking my ball and going home,” move. So there will be no revenge against Dorne or master plan to retake King’s Landing by force. Right now, it really is the Lannister Twins vs. Everyone, and currently, everyone else are winning.
4. Alliser Thorne, Olly, and the Traitorous Brothers of the Night’s Watch
As expected, ol’Ally, Olly, and the boys bit the dust this week at the hands of a totally more-moody-than-usual, resurrected Jon Snow. At least these backstabbers (well, actually they stabbed Jon mostly in his chest, but you get the point) were given a chance to share their last words, and you know, Alliser Thorne does a good job at getting his point across, even if his point is some Donald Trump-esque xenophobic garbage. Just like Jon, their watches have ended.
5. Tyrion Lannister
Not only is Tyrion stuck around a bunch of humorless straight edge dullards, but he also learns a not-so-surprising secret; the Good Masters of Astapor and the Wise Masters of Yunkai are the people funding the Sons of the Harpy. Esos is no closer to being free than when Dany started. Even though things look dim right now, I’m sure that the little lion will figure it out. After navigating all of the murky politics, allegiances, and lies within his whole family let alone Kings Landing, I am sure that he’ll Make Esos Great Again.
Tormund Giantsbane – Jon Snow isn’t alive for five minutes and homeboy here is already roasting him. Love it. – WINNER
Tommen Baratheon – Went to stand up to the High Sparrow and sat down for a lecture. Soft as mashed potatoes. – LOSER
Lady Olenna Tyrell – Landed a sick little incest burn on Cersei. Queen of Thorns? Queen of Shade. – WINNER
Bran Stark – So he may have had his dear old dead dad humanized a bit, but the kid is learning some #Facts – WINNER
Young Ned Stark – A win is a win. – WINNER
Ser Arthur Dayne – Two swords wont stop a knife to the back of the neck. A loss is a loss! – LOSER
Qyburn – He’s got way more than 3 Little Birds. Everything is gonna be alright. – WINNER
Shaggydog – “No, his head looks too small. TELL ME HIS HEAD LOOKS TO SMALL!” – LOSER