The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 6, Episode 10, “The Winds of Winter.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
1. Cersei Lannister
If you asked Cersei, she’d probably tell you that winning’s never felt so good. Forget the Mad King; the Mad Queen is in power now, and she does more than just scream, “Burn them all,” she actually follows through. This is one frightening, boss bitch. In one magnificent blast, Cersei Lannister destroyed every threatening figure in King’s Landing, and…I kind of love it? Does that make me evil? I mean, obviously I’m bummed at the loss of Margaery, but holy shit, Cersei got her groove back, and now she’s dressing like Michael Jackson in the “Scream” video. After watching the Sept of Baelor go kaboom, she sighed the most satisfied breath of relief and beamed. Her doofus son ended up as collateral, but I think secretly that only relieves Cersei more, because now she’s truly rogue. No longer is there some redeeming maternal love to hold her back. Cersei has transformed into a stone cold, bat shit supervillain, and I for one welcome our new Lannister overlord as I try not to think about the other blonde badass Queen who’s on her way with three dragons and scores of men. There’s something beautiful about winning the last game of the year after a losing season.
2. Jon Snow
KING OF THE NORTH!!! How fun is that to chant? Oh, I’ve missed it. Jon Snow is finally walking the halls of Winterfell with his head high, Lord Stark in everything but name, the new King of the North. The Stark bannermen rallied around the bastard, regretting the fact that they ever doubted the shaggy haired mope to begin with. They even coin him The White Wolf, which is a pretty dope nickname, definitely better than anything I’ve come up with for Sadjon this season. It’s been a great year for Jon, you know, considering that he started the season as a dead body and now he’s a very-much-alive king. Yes, Jon got to bask in victory, hearing the voices of the North declare their allegiance, but there’s something that happened regarding Jon Snow this week that makes him even more of a winner, and he’s still completely oblivious to it.
Yep, we finally got confirmation that R + L = J (ok, so maybe not the “R” part exactly, but c’mon) meaning that Jon Snow is not the living embodiment of Ned Stark’s dishonor, but actually proof that Ned was a super loyal brother and a super solid dude, taking in and protecting his nephew no matter the consequence to his reputation. Jon Snow is half Stark, half Targaryen, making him full Chosen One. Homeboy is definitely going to ride some dragons, probably in more than one way. This makes Dany Jon’s aunt. How do we feel about marrying your aunt on this show again?
3. Daenerys Targaryen
Six seasons and she’s finally in a boat to Westeros. Please, let’s hope they don’t take a detour to some undiscovered island or get shipwrecked by a kraken or some further bullshit delay device. I am ready to watch Dany team up with the scorned ladies of The Reach and Dorne and bust down Cersei’s door. Dany is ready; she rides and commands her dragons like a pro, she makes even-keeled diplomatic decisions based on the advice of trusted advisors, and she even was smart enough to drop her dead beat boyfriend instead of doing that whole long-distance crap. BYE BOY! Every episode had been leading up to this for Dany, and now with her ships, her Unsullied, Khalasar, Iron Born, and dragons she’s done with lessons on how to be a conqueror and ready to put what’s learned to real use. Now where will Dany land first?
4. Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion got his own full-circle moment this week, once again becoming Hand, this time for a different crown. Even though he slipped up in Mereen, Tyrion still is vital to Dany’s conquest, knowing Westeros, its politics, idiosyncrasies, (and probably whores) better than most men. Tyrion has always had to deal with his reputation and size defining him, but Dany has taken the opportunity to accept and assess Tyrion for his wit and wisdom, and to his credit, Tyrion has been a valuable asset; where so many advisors in Game of Thrones come across as sycophantic, Tyrion has remained honest, not overly intimidated by Dany, able to dispense hard truths. Instead of telling cornball jokes between glasses of wine, Tyrion opens up to Dany, confirming his devotion to the Mother of Dragons, saying he believed in nothing until he met her. To reward him, Dany makes Tyrion Hand of the Queen. It’s all so sweet I could puke.
5. Arya Stark
You can tell Arya has been spending a lot of time at the theater, cause she pulls a total Sweeny Todd this week, butchering and baking Lothar and Black Walder into meat pies and feeding them to Walder Frey before mercilessly slitting his throat. Like that knife to the throat, Arya sliced a major name off of her list. Yo, did you see that sinister smile she let loose after letting Walder’s blood spill? I’ve seen that smile before, and it was earlier in the episode, when Cersei was appreciating her savage handiwork. It appears that toiling away in the Murder Cult paid dividends, because Arya was able to go completely undetected amongst Frey and Lannister man, hiding behind a face. These new skills are going to make completing the list a piece of cake, but hopefully Arya doesn’t lose herself again in all of the violence and vengeance, becoming too much like Cersei. Then again, Cersei’s name is on the list, so Arya will need to get on her level. I suggest a super-intimidating outfit.
1. Everyone in the Sept of Baelor
There are several people that I was stoked to see get offed by Cersei’s big blast. You will not catch me weeping over the High Sparrow’s musty ass or that bozo Mace Tyrell, and I didn’t have any more use for Lancel or Loras either, but Margeary, sweet, poor Margeary deserved better than this. Margeary was a baller, she played the game like Allen Iverson, she was crafty and adaptable and even smelled something was fishy about the trial before she was incinerated. The problem is that there was no scenario that saw things ending well for Margeary, because we know Marg wouldn’t have just given her crown over to Dany willingly. It’s just a shame we didn’t get to see Margeary get her own revenge on the High Sparrow and The Faith Militant. But now the Faith, Kevan Lannister, the Royal Court and the Small Council, none of them matter. Cersei Lannister changed the face of the Seven Kingdoms, literally and figuratively, reducing all of King’s Landings major power players to ash.
Littlefinger doesn’t take loses, he’s not the losing type. Just like I said of Margeary above, Littlefinger is usually two steps ahead of everyone and never truly showing his hand. That’s why it was weird that Littlefinger just revealed his inner most desires, his goals that had only at this point been speculated over. Homeboy dropped his guard uncharacteristically over some weird intergenerational lust for Stark women and that is decidedly not gangster. Sansa wisely rejected a creepy thin-lipped kiss from Littlefinger and by proxy his vision for the future. After serving as the essential ally in the Stark family’s coup of Winterfell, Littlefinger had to sit and sulk all salty as Jon Snow was declared the King of the North. Though that makes Littlefinger a loser this week, it doesn’t make him any less terrifying. With his dreams dashed, Littlefinger is now a little like Cersei, out in the wind and free to pursue his most evil instincts. Jon Snow better keep an eye on this cat.
3. Walder Frey
Dear lord this was a long time coming! Fans have been waiting for this rotting sack of shit to get disposed of since the slimy snake helped orchestrate the Red Wedding. Arya finally crossing his putrid name off of her list felt like sweet victory. Surprisingly, what may have felt better was watching Jaime Lannister put the old coot in his place. Jaime throws hefty amounts of shade at the geezer, basically saying that his position in life was underserved, he never fought for or earned any lands that he possessed, and he essentially told Walder that the Freys were shitty, worthless allies. Frey pretended that none of that bothered him, but we know from the Red Wedding that the old man was proud. So yeah, maybe that was the lowest moment for Walder, or maybe it was nibbling on his sons who were chopped up and cooked into meat pies, who’s to say?
4. Daario Naharis
Sometimes you have to let the sidepiece go, but does anyone ever consider the sidepiece’s feelings?! Poor Daario, he probably thought he had a whole life ahead of him of…ahem…riding the dragon, but his time as Dany’s love has come to an end. Playboy got let go. Now heartbroken Daario has to continue to serve Dany, which must be difficult. I mean the dude bowed to her like moments after being dumped. That’s brutal. Daario should probably become Pen Pals with Jorah and the two can commiserate over Dany together, write bad poetry, maybe when this whole thing is over start an emo band. I don’t know. He’s probably replaying that meeting with Yara in his head, picking up on all the eye contact. His mind is probably running wild. Probably can’t sleep. Probably imaging those two together. Crying a lot. Drinking a lot. Probably will gain some weight, start collecting her stray hairs and making little dolls, the miserable bastard.
5. Tommen Baratheon
TOMMEN IS SOFTER THAN KITTENS MEOWING ALONG TO DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE. TOMMEN IS SOFTER THAN A MARSHMALLOW SANDWICH ON WHITE BREAD. TOMMEN IS SOFTER THAN BABY SHIT IN A SILK DIAPER. TOMMEN IS SOFTER THAN MARGAERY’S BEAUTIFUL BREASTS. TOMMEN IS SOFTER THAN EGYPTIAN COTTON BATH TOWELS. This simpleton had to process his wife, his new confidant, and many of his subjects perish tragically, and that must be have been difficult, but of course he took it like the scared child that he truly was, committing suicide like a coward. Now Ser Pounce his going to have to fend for himself, you selfish son of a bitch. Tommen is easily one of the dumbest kings that Westeros has ever had, becoming a funny little footnote in this Song of Ice and Fire. Even Cersei doesn’t seem to be that sad that he’s dead. Another Fail Son bites the dust.
Qyburn – Co-conspirator in the explosion. Hand of the Queen. Army of scary ragamuffins. Creator of Frankenstein’s Mountain. It was a good year for Qyburn. – WINNER
Lady Olenna Tyrell – She had her future robbed from her. Hopefully her new future with Dany pays off. – LOSER
Samwell Tarly – SO MANY BOOKS. Nerdgasm. – WINNER
Sansa Stark – Shutting down creeps like a boss. – WINNER
Lyanna Mormont – Ugh, I don’t know, maybe she should be Queen of the North. – WINNER
Bran Stark – Back at the Wall, learning some important #FACTS – WINNER
Lothar and Black Walder – Ingredients in the worst pie ever. – LOSERS
Melissandre – Bye, Felicia! – LOSER
Maester Pycelle – These little birds say nothing will be alright. – LOSER