The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 4, “The Spoils of War.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
My dude here finally brought the ruckus and ended the Lannister winning streak by torching their army to hell. Like Charlize Theron, Drogon was equally beautiful and terrifying roasting the Lannister and Tarly men till they were nothing but ash. When the dragons were introduced at the end of Season 1, this is exactly what most viewers were envisioning. Sort of like in real life, we all just want to watch shit get lit on fire, and watch shit get lit on fire we did. Too pure for this world, Drogon took a spear to his wing and ended the episode in pain, but he wasn’t too hurt to protect Dany from a charging Jaime Lannister, and if it wasn’t for the next guy on our list (oops, spoiler alert?) Drogon would have BBQ’ed the Kingslayer as well. Now, Qyburn named the weapon that pierced Drogon Scorpion, so I’m a bit worried that this beautiful war machine has been poisoned. Regardless, Drogon tipped the scales back in Dany’s favor and reminded Westeros just how devastating a dragon can be in a battle.
Bronn should be a top five favorite character on everyone’s list. He’s charming, gets all of the best lines, and never loses a fight. Not even the Mother of Dragons, said dragon, and her army of Dothraki can take out the lovable rogue. Add in saving Jaime Lannister’s life (again), and Bronn deserves a castle. He deserves all the castles! The block on Drogon, it was like the LeBron James’ block on Andre Iguodala in Game 7 of the 2016 NBA Finals. Just like Cuba Gooding Jr. in Pearl Harbor, Bronn hopped on the Scorpion with no prior experience and was a natural. He came so close to single-handedly killing a dragon. Imagine the songs they would have sung! Bronn of the Blackwater? Try Bronn the Goddamn Dragon Slayer! So most of the men fighting alongside him died in a blaze and he’s currently biding his time at the bottom of a lake, but Bronn fought like a boss. He’s on the wrong side of this war, certainly this week, but somehow he keeps winning.
3. Arya Stark
The guards don’t recognize her. Hell, her sister barely recognizes her too. Winterfell has changed, but Arya’s changed even more. Still, that doesn’t mean she isn’t happy to be home. Behind the sarcasm directed at sculptors and the pensive looks around the castle grounds, Arya is noticeably reenergized. She puts on an awe-inspiring, cocky fighting clinic against Brienne of Tarth, who has proven to be one of the fiercest fighters in the Seven Kingdoms. Arya is also just handed the rarest, most valuable daggers by her creepy little acid casualty of a brother. You just know homegirl is gonna shank some White Walkers with that thing. Arya Stark is back in the North and she’s more than equipped to kick some ass.
4. Jon Snow
Thanks to the most conveniently placed, highly detailed and relevant cave art ever discovered, Jon Snow comes closer this week to making Dany understand that the real enemy isn’t drunk on power and wine in the Red Keep, but is slowly marching with an army of the dead north of the Wall. Even though he still refuses to bend the knee, Dany is at the point where she trusts the King in the North enough to ask him for his military advice. Also, sparks are finally starting to fly between the silver-haired fox and the mopeiest bastard in Westeros. I don’t care in the slightest that these two are technically aunt and nephew, I wanna hear that sweet song of ice and fire, baby. Lord help me for allowing this show to numb me to the gross horrors of incest. Anyway, Jon found a chunk of Dragonglass big enough to sink the Titanic. His mission to Dragonstone is already a shining success.
5. Bran Stark
Professor X Jr., Doctor Manhattan-lite, is barely even human anymore. Bran Stark is like a ghost now, lost in the overwhelming vastness of space and time. C’mon, that’s some cool shit! Like a college freshman who got way too into Nietzsche and pot and is bumming out his family on Thanksgiving break, Bran has another awkward reunion this week and an even more awkward goodbye. The only reason Bran is a winner in “The Spoils of War” is because he threw Littlefinger’s “chaos is a ladder” line back in Littlefinger’s face so hard that I had to reward him. Bran basically knows everything now. How can you lose when you’ve seen and know everything? But just like people and being Bran Stark, I’m sure the concept of winning and losing is meaningless to the Three-Eyed Raven.
1. Jaime Lannister
The dumb look on Jaime’s face as he trotted back in forth trying to process exactly what was happening was priceless. Still reeling from Olenna Tyrell’s parting words, Jaime leads his troops and the train of grain and resources heading for King’s Landing right into a horde of Dothraki and the crosshairs of a dragon. If that wasn’t bad enough, allow me to quote Tyrion and say this “fucking idiot” wasn’t done. Listen, if you charge head first at a dragon, you’re gonna have a bad time. If it wasn’t for the homie Bronn, Jaime would be a cooked goose. Instead, he’d drowning from the weight of his own flashy armor and his golden hand, which comes back to haunt the Kingslayer yet again. Even if things start to look up for Jaime, it might be too late to save him from being the biggest loser of Season 7.
2. Daenerys Targaryen
I can hear you all collectively shrieking, “WHAAAAT?!” but hear me out: a little bit of dragon action doesn’t erase the fact that Dany is still kind of blowing it as a leader. Her insistence that Jon Snow bends the knee is misguided, she’s short and impatient with her advisors, and she’s more than a little bloodthirsty. Honestly, Dany was positioned in the last ten minutes of this episode as a villain and rightfully so; she’s a foreign invader with disproportionate power burning people alive like her insane former-tyrant father. The Queen of Dragons isn’t righteously killing cartoonishly evil slavers anymore, she’s slaughtering young men who did nothing other than be born in Westeros and support the crown like law abiding citizens. Helping the citizens of Essos was altruistic whereas Dany’s pursuit of the crown just feels like a gross lust for power. I’ve always been a huge fan of Daenerys and I’ve been waiting for her to come take the Iron Throne, but now that it’s happening it feels like a “be careful what you wish for” scenario. Also, against her advisor’s advice she flew into battle and nearly plummeted to the ground and got her dragon killed. I had to get soft on all of you now, but I just didn’t feel right about this one.
3. Sansa Stark
Bran Stark is the Three-Eyed Raven. He can travel through space and time and witness every moment in history as if it is happening simultaneously. Arya Stark is a Faceless Man. She’s been trained by an ancient order of super assassins and can magically change her face, voice, weight, and height to disguise herself in plain sight. Jon Snow is the King in the North. He dead for hours before he was miraculously resurrected. Sansa Stark is….a capable leader? Smarter than her childhood suggested she’d be? Um, tall and pretty? Sorry girl, but you drew the short straw out of the living Starks. Sansa watched Bran and Arya interact and her face just said, “what the hell happened to you two?” Here’s to hoping Sansa gets bit by a radioactive spider or something because otherwise she’s always going to be the boring one.
4. Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion Lannister: great at one-liners, great at drinking, great at sneakily making up quotes, great at patricide, great at politics…..bad at military strategy. Instead of just admitting that the Battle of the Blackwater was a total fluke, Tyrion is still trying to act like he’s some brilliant general when he’s totally out of his element. Further, he has to witness first hand as the Lannister army, surely filled with people he knew in his past life, is totally decimated. He’s forced to learn the hard way that war is hell. Maybe just like me, Tyrion is realizing that Dany’s cause may not be so noble after all.
5. Meera Reed
Meera Reed risked her life to keep Bran Stark safe. She watched her brother die at the hands of the undead. She sat for an ungodly amount of time inside of a tree eating roots while Bran lay comatose. She watched Summer die. She watched Hodor die. She trekked through the ice and snow and nearly froze to death, dragging Bran on a sled for miles and miles. She almost died for him, would have died for him, and when it’s all said done all she gets is a measly, cold “thank you?” Totally not worth it. If Meera Reed doesn’t have any other part to play in this series, then she had the most thankless role. Well, I guess she technically got a “thanks,” but you know what I mean.
Theon Greyjoy – Lucky to be alive. – WINNER
Littlefinger – Totally shook. – LOSER
Brienne of Tarth – Got served. – LOSER
Missandei – Get some, girl! – WINNER
Dickon – Named Dickon. – LOSER
Cersei Lannister – A Lannister always pays their debts. – WINNER
Winterfell Sculptor – In the same boat as whoever made that wax figure of Beyonce. – LOSER
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