The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones, Season 7, Episode 2, “Stormborn.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
1. Euron Greyjoy
Gothua Jackson is the villain we didn’t know we needed. He’s Ramsay Bolton with a less punchable face, but somehow more guyliner? Euron’s ship looks like My Chemical Romance decided to become pirates. Before delivering this brutal blow to Daenerys’ fleet, Euron and his crew were probably binge-watching Tim Burton movies. The sheer delight my guy had while brutalizing Yara and Theon’s men was like a cartoony, Schumacher-directed Batman baddie had stepped into a far bloodier film and it was awesome. Game of Thrones seems campier to me than usual for some reason (this episode alone gave us Hot Pie and Sam making a meta-joke about the title of the book series), but I am not complaining. Euron has Ellaria Sand and her daughter to give to Cersei. They’re not Tyrion or a secret way to defeat dragons, but they’re probably the next best thing. In this new war for the throne, Euron puts the first points on the board.
2. Arya Stark
The Arya Stark Revenge Tour hit the old stomping grounds this week, returning to the inn where Arya’s closest friend in the whole world (don’t question it) Hot Pie works. Friends don’t pay, so our girl Arya gets to chow down on Hot Pie’s namesake and drink some ale all while getting compliments for being pretty, basically every girl’s dream, right? Oh, and Hot Pie delivers an absolute stunner of a newsflash, cluing in Arya to the fact that her brother Jon Snow has taken back Winterfell and has been named the King in the North. I think the only time Arya has gotten good news in seven seasons is when she found out that she wasn’t going to have to be blind forever, so our girl was pretty excited to hear this.
It seems like the revenge tour is going to have to wait, until Arya runs into another old friend, her direwolf Nymeria. Arya tries to persuade the giant wolf to come home with her, but then says “that’s not you,” a callback to a conversation she had with her father, when she replied to the potential future of being a common lady by saying “that’s not me.” She lets Nymeria go in another moment of self-discovery from the former faceless woman. I’m not sure if this means that Arya is going to abandon her plans of going home now, realizing that’s “not her” anymore, or if she was trying respect the new life that her direwolf had forged just as she had been forced to do, but it was a sweet and nostalgic week for Lady Stark.
3. Cersei Lannister
Cersei may have been born to politic. Up there on the pulpit spreading xenophobia and fear, Cersei was one “fake news” mention away from being president material by today’s standards. With the help of her brother Jamie, the Lannisters have worked to convince the remaining loyal houses to fight against the Mad King’s daughter and her horde of terrifying Others. Also, squirrely Qyburn is down in the lab whipping up the Seven Kingdom’s first anti-aircraft weapon like he can actually take down a dragon. Cersei is still most definitely going down, Maggy the Frog don’t lie, but she’s going to Atlanta Falcons this thing and do everything to make you think that she could win before imploding spectacularly.
The tape this week is going to say that Littlefinger should be in the loser column again, but I think that oily prick ended “Stormborn” right where he wanted to be. Jon Snow is heading off to Dragonstone and he’s left Sansa in charge in his absence. If Littlefinger was ever going to manipulate Sansa into something major, now is the time. Littlefinger is feeling himself so hard after receiving the news that he not-so-subtly cops to wanting to tap that right to her brother’s face. In the end, he gets choked in an eerily similar fashion to a time that Ned laid hands on Littlefinger back in Season One. Unfortunately for Ned, we know how that one ended up. In my eyes, Littlefinger just got into the White Wolf’s head. Herbert the Pervert is quite the Reggie Miller of Westeros.
5. Hot Pie
HOT PIE!!! The kid! Out there whipping ‘em up fresh, living his best life. I bet the other kitchen workers don’t have pretty girls from famous families coming to visit them! A sight for sore eyes, my darling Hot Pie. Still thinks armor is all it takes to be a knight, bless his heart. He’s got the scoop on all the comings and goings of Westeros. This guy is just out here doing what he loves, making meat-filled pastries for hungry bellies. Look, I could have written about Sansa, or Jamie, Qyburn, maybe even Varys, but if you think I was going to relegate my dude here to just once sentence in the Quick Hits, then you’ve been sleeping on me.
1. Yara & Theon Greyjoy
Yara was just about to get busy with Elleria, but god forbid we have two cunnilingus scenes in one episode, am I right? The Greyjoy siblings getting worked by their uncle is not a good look, especially Theon reverting to Reek status and abandoning ship right after he was just called his sister’s “protector” like two minutes earlier. Neither sibling died, and that’s probably due to Theon’s cowardice, but this derails Dany’s plans for the Dornish and Tyrell armies to take King’s Landing. These two really cannot catch a break. Yara couldn’t rescue Theon, couldn’t win the Kingsmoot, and don’t even get me started on Reek’s greatest hits. These Ironborn are perennial losers. The Greyjoys are the Cleveland Browns of Houses. There, I said it.
2. Elleria Sand and the Sand Snakes
Two Sand Snakes dead and two captured and the worst part is that there isn’t a single fan of the show that’s upset about it. Of course book readers have always been peeved that the Dornish were adapted to the screen so sloppily, but the rest of us have never bothered to give two shits about these broads. Honestly, it always seemed like a given that they’d be the first to die this season, B-list characters that were significant but never essential to the larger plot. Now Elleria and her daughter are going to be delivered as a courting present to Cersei, who will likely delight in dispatching them both as painfully as possible. Probably not more painful than enduring another scene of the Sand Snakes interacting amongst themselves, but probably pretty close.
3. Daenerys Targaryen
Nobody knew ruling could be so complicated. So many opinions and strategies are flying at the Mother of Dragons and she’s not even sure if she can trust every person in the room. Should she stop playing stall ball and go take King’s Landing by force, or slow play things with a homegrown army to avoid being the Queen of the Ashes? Does she need to embrace her inner dragon or keep listening to the counsel of clever men? In the end, she chooses the diplomatic move and it blows up in her face. Instead of breathing fire on her enemies, her enemies rain fire down on her fleet. Cersei’s forces have drawn first blood, but I expect Khaleesi to clap back.
4. Jorah Mormont
Okay, nope, sorry, Jorah is the Cleveland Browns of Westeros. My bad. Looking like Killer Croc’s illegitimate child, Jorah Mormont has the worst case of psoriasis on an HBO series since The Night Of. The King of the Friendzone is basically given a death sentence before Samwell Tarly crashes his pity party with a secret cure for Greyscale. What’s the cure? Remove the infected skin. UH YEAH, NO SHIT, MAESTER. Jorah literally has to have his skin peeled off while someone urges him to be quiet like a passive aggressive librarian trying to get me to stop laughing so loudly at Clickhole articles. I’m sorry, but if this were me, just let me become a Stoneman. I hear Old Valyria is nice this time of year. I’m not letting sausage fingers chisel my skin away. Nah. I’ll pass.
5. Jon Snow
Everyone wants Jon Snow to be their leader but no one wants to let the man lead. Whether he’s at the Wall or in Winterfell, Jon Snow can’t make any big decisions without being undermined or second-guessed. After Sam tips Jon off to Dragonstone’s Dragonglass reserves and Tyrion sends a letter asking for him to meet with Daenerys, Jon decides it’s time to go hold court with the Mother of Dragons. Naturally, no one is cool with this idea. Once again Sansa scoffs at and protests his decision and even the very smart and very cool genius/warrior/role model Lyanna Mormont isn’t stoked on the plan. Why can’t they just let Jon Snow live? Do I need to remind them that this guy CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD?
Sansa Stark – Finally in charge of her own destiny AND the North. – WINNER
Samwell Tarly – Unless he’s one of those sick freaks into the puss videos on YouTube, I can’t imagine he’s having fun. – LOSER
Nymeria – Leader of the pack. – WINNER
Dickon Tarly – “Rickard, isn’t it?” – LOSER
Grey Worm and Missandei – Love finds a way. – WINNERS
Varys – The Spider lives to see another ruler. – WINNER
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