The Game of Thrones is a deadly one, and like all good games, it has winners and losers. Welcome to Game of Thrones: Winners & Losers, where we take in the latest episode of HBO’s Game of Thrones and determine the top MVP’s as well as those who were handed a healthy dose of defeat.
Below you’ll find the winners and losers for Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1, “Dragonstone.” If you find your favorite character listed as a loser, just remember that the tides on Game of Thrones are always shifting; I swear it by the Old Gods and the New.
*Spoilers for the latest episode of Game of Thrones below*
1. Arya Stark
LEAVE ONE WOLF ALIVE AND THE SHEEP ARE NEVER SAFE, SUCKAS! The Arya Stark Revenge Tour decided to return to the stage for an encore to begin the penultimate season’s premiere, poisoning all of the men of House Frey while posing as crusty ol’Walder himself. After her time at the House of Black and White, not only can Arya swap her face, but she can apparently also change her height and weight. Arya is essentially Mystique from the X-Men, you guys. She’s Romijn-ing supreme. Laying the J-Law. The Artist Formerly Known as No One takes out almost every living witness/participant in her mother and brother’s murder in the same spot where they died. Justice is served like a Walder Brother meat pie. Later, Arya socializes with some Lannister-supporting soldiers, where she has a “we’re not so different, you and I”-moment listening to them long for peace and their homes. After a savage murder, the scene helps to humanize Arya, and hopefully it helps remind her that there’s still some good in this world.
2. Daenerys Targaryen
At long last, the Queen of Dragons is done killing time in the desert and is ready to join The Big Game, thank the Lord of Light. Queen Dae pulls up to Dragonstone and places her hand in the sand and it is VERY emotional. This is the castle where Dany was born and this homecoming was a long time coming. With dragons on the walls to match the three flying above in the sky, Dany paces the halls, feeling the history wash over her. This is almost as meaningful of a return as when LeBron James went back to Cleveland. I’m kind of happy to be back at Dragonstone too. Remember the ritualistic burnings on the beach, the leeches, and Smoke Baby? Ah, good times. Stannis HQ now belongs to its rightful owner, and Dany is keeping that dope little table map too, ok? “Let’s begin.” LET’S WORK.
3. Euron Greyjoy
The Biggest Bro in the Seven Kingdoms appears in the Great Hall dressed like its 2006 and he’s main-staging the Warped Tour, and he’s looking for love. Not lacking confidence, Euron touts himself as the best captain on the sea and uses the unifying theme of betraying family members to sell himself to Cersei. Criss Angel-light even has the gall to take some shots at Jaime even after giving him props for killing Greyjoys. A few months ago, it would be inconceivable that Cersei Lannister would be sitting on the Iron Throne hosting this scumbag Johnny Depp-wannabe as a possible suitor and solution to her problems, but here we are. It’s a brave new world, folks. (Also, Euron is winning for being Joshua Jackson’s twin. PACEY, FTW.)
4. Jon Snow
The White Wolf, the King of the North, keeps winning, baby. Instead of just being told about how great of a leader Jon Snow is, we get to witness it in action. With an assist from everyone’s favorite character (this is not a debate), Lyanna Mormont, Jon convinces the Northern Houses to start preparing everyone for a White Walker onslaught and also shows poise and mercy toward the young Umber boy and Karstark girl. Jonny aint playing; there’s no time for grudges and history, winter is here. Seriously though, I’m still amazed that people aren’t more freaked out by Jon Snow coming back to life. I’d be so shocked by that news that I would just agree with everything homeboy wanted to do. “Start training women and children.” Sure. “Dig night and day for Dragonglass.” You got it. “Stand on one leg, pat your head, and rub your stomach.” I mean, you did die once, so yes, I’m on it boss.
5. Cersei Lannister
Cersei “Three Kingdoms at Best” Lannister may not seem like she’s winning, but winning is in the eye of the beholder. So the Tyrells are going to try and starve them out and attack from the West, the Dornish are attacking from the South, Dany’s coming from the East, and the Starks from the North – no biggie. Cersei is still basking in the glory of her greatest victory, sitting on the Iron Throne like she’s always dreamed. There’s no time for Jamie’s bad news; there are maps to be painted, new alliances to form, and fierce black outfits to rock. She’s also about to get a mystery gift from Euron. What could it be? My money is on Gendry, last seen rowing a boat away from Davos in Season 3. Cersei may get the chance to off the bastard that got away. So what if she’s still doomed? Cersei doesn’t want to hear it, she’s too busy winning.
1. House Frey
There had to be one Frey kid that turned to his brother and said, “You know, Dad is acting kind of funny. Like, too nice or something.” With one toast, House Frey was wiped out. You have to remember that nasty old Walder was a horndog that remarried young brides and procreated like an Irish rabbit, so A LOT of Freys bit the dust. According to The Wrap, Arya killed 51 Freys in the premiere, bringing her Frey body count to 54. House Lannister’s biggest ally is in the dirt because karma’s a bitch and they certainly had this coming. If I was in Game of Thrones, I would always make someone sip from my cup first.
2. Jaime Lannister
It’s pretty ironic that the woman that Jaime loves pretty much committed the same act that the Mad King was trying to commit when Jaime killed him. Well, it’s at least ironic in the same way that Alanis Morissette defines the word. Jaime is stuck on the losing team and he knows it. He’s like Calvin Johnson, except he can’t just retire from being a Lannister. To make matters worse, now millennial Alice Cooper is in his Great Hall looking to marry his sister/slampiece. He’s forced to listen to Euron make lame hand jokes while he’s sucking up to Cersei and you can almost see Jaime think that he was better off dirty, bearded in that bear pit all those episodes ago. This is the same punk that burned the Lannister fleet in the Greyjoy Rebellion, and now he has to partner up with this cretin and possible share his sister? Jaime is also still reeling from the death of his children, and grieving alone since Cersei is so drunk on power. Tough time to be the Kingslayer.
3. Samwell Tarly
The episode ends on a high note for Sam; he discovers a Dragonglass stronghold on Dragonstone that’s good for Jon in his fight against the White Walkers and good for us because it could be the plot device to bring Jon and his Aunt Dany face to face. That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t erase the fact that Sam’s time at the Citdel has been literally shitty. Sam’s suffering is all of our suffering. We could have checked in on the Tyrell/Sand Snake alliance, we could’ve gotten more than a line of dialogue out of Dany, I even would have settled to learn how Jorah ended up in that cell in the Citadel, but instead we’re treated to a lengthy monologue of poop, food that looks like poop, and gagging. It’s shot with Breaking Bad-levels of style and is a unique sequence for this show, but still, it’s a stylish montage about shit. Sam is cleaning piss pots while everyone shrugs off his very real claims about White Walkers. There’s no way he was ending up in the winners column this week.
4. The Hound
The Hound is back, as miserable as ever, and hates man-buns just as much as the rest of us. Sunshine is traveling with Mr. Nine Lives himself, Beric Dondarrion, and a not-so-secretly balding Thoros of Myr of the Brotherhood Without Banners. The Hound loathes these guys; not only do they drink rum (yuck, too sweet), they worship the Hound’s biggest fear, fire. That’s like forcing someone with a mortal fear of baking to travel with Hot Pie. To make matters worse, The Hound has to relive dicking over that man and his daughter that allowed him and Arya to crash at his place. Have you ever tried to dig a hole in the winter? Let alone a grave? And to top it all off, The Lord of Light clues The Hound into the impending doom of The White Walkers, so now he has to carry that burden around with him too.
There was a time where this guy was legitimately one of the most intimidating players in Westeros, but those days seem far behind. Littlefinger stays catching L’s this season, continuing to let his pedophilic crush on Sansa get in the way of his game of chaos. Sansa straight clowns this guy on the regular at this point, to his face and behind his back. Forget the fact that he talks like Kanye West when his jaw was wired shut; Littlefinger went from making moves to getting punked, he deserves to sit here at the bottom of this list. It’s time bossman gets back to scheming. Maybe sabotage the newly united North for fun? I’m not saying I want this, but Littlefinger needs it.
Laynna Mormont – She went full-on Bobby Brown on Lord Glover. “I DON’T NEED PERMISSION, MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS, BITCH.” – WINNER
Lord Robbet Glover – SIT DOWN. BE HUMBLE. – LOSER
Podrick Payne – You heard Tormund, he’s a lucky guy. – WINNER
Ned Umber and Alys Karstark – The sins of the father don’t come back to haunt these two. But perhaps their bodies might? – WINNERS (for now?)
Guy Painting Map for Cersei – I can’t even type when people are looking over my shoulder like that. – LOSER
Berric Donndarion – R’hllor’s favorite knight. – WINNER
Thoros of Myr – Roasted worse than The Hound’s face. – LOSER
The Farmer and His Daughter – THE FEEL GOOD HIT OF THE SUMMER IS FINALLY HERE, FOLKS! – LOSERS