THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR GAME OF THRONES “THE LION AND THE ROSE.” IT IS NOT A REVIEW.
***This is a Game of Thrones obituary written in the voice of a King’s Landing barker, and not the actual opinions of myself, Den of Geek, or hopefully anyone with a shred of human decency to their character.***
KING’S LANDING, THE CAPITAL – Woe unto the Seven Kingdoms on this sorrowful day, for our joy has turned to ash. From the Maesters of Oldtown to the brothers black at East Watch, from the humble pebbled shores of the Fingers to the Golden radiance of Lannisport, all are punished with a heartache that transcends our world and enters the sacred grief of the Seven, undoubtedly weeping tears for King Joffrey Baratheon, The First of His Name and Protector of the Realm, who has been wrongfully stolen from us by a vile Imp!
For those who have yet to hear the grievous tidings, Joffrey Baratheon has been slain at the feet of a perverse demon monkey during the greatest celebration seen since his father King Robert Baratheon took the Trident some ten-and-nine years ago, ushering in the glorious reign of his storm-blown family.
Every inch the figure of unmatched red-blooded masculinity as his sovereign father, Joffrey was as stout-hearted as he was peerless in his intellectual studies and curiosities. Indeed, hours before his unspeakable assassination, the king was said to have been seen cutting through Grand Maester Kaeth’s “Lives of Four Kings” with much haste and amusement. Joffrey was a fair-haired monarch who exuded a divinity that was as visible to his subjects as his compassion was for them, and their dear young Baratheon lord did more to grace the lives of the small folks in his year of rule than the entire Targaryen line accomplished in a dynasty.
His Grace was born to the Mother-blessed union of Robert Baratheon and Cersei Lannister, two wise and loving parents who instilled within him his sense of justice, fairness, and leadership. Those parental gifts were first exercised in the 298th year after Aegon’s Landing when Joffrey was forced to assume the throne at a tender age following the tragic and entirely unavoidable death of his father. However, Joffrey immediately took to the seat of swords like a fish to water when he wisely, and without hesitation, dealt with the reprehensible traitor Lord Eddard Stark of the House Stark, Hand of the King, and supposed Warden of the North.
When the wolf in human clothing revealed his true nature by conspiring to murder the noble king before Robert’s blood even dried, and to then seize the Iron Throne for himself, Joffrey saw through this pathetic farce and had the now-departed Ser Janos Slynt of the City Watch take the traitor under arrest on the marble floors of the Red Keep. Joffrey, in his youthful wisdom, effectively and irrefutably sent a message to the turncloaks and warmongerers to the North when he served Lord Eddard a traitor’s death with the blade of the King’s Justice. Sadly, Joffrey’s merciful warning, which merely deprived the Stark patriarch of his head and little else prior to execution, was ignored by the skin-walking Warg of Winterfell who named himself the Young Wolf, a heretical King in the North. Determined to slaughter every Southron Lord and Lady to feed his unquenchable thirst for human blood, Robb Stark dared to march South on King’s Landing and to an ultimate fate most befitting a beast who wears a crown.
However in his infinite wisdom, King Joffrey knew not to trifle himself with the foraging of woodland creatures that roamed too far south and instead focused his undivided gaze on enemies of his own House. Besieged by betrayers and conspirators on all sides, Joffrey left his new rightfully chosen Hand, his grandfather Tywin Lannister of Casterly Rock, to poach for wolves while the king courageously protected his beloved peoples within the walls of King’s Landing, as how a father would cradle a newborn babe. When his Uncle Stannis Baratheon—having committed the ultimate crime of fratricide on his own younger brother Renly, and with the help of the Stark whore no less—dared to raise a blade on his sovereign Lord and Protector, it was Joffrey who stood fearlessly upon the battlements of the Mud Gate to command his men and defenders in a fashion akin to when Robert smashed in the skull of the Mad King’s lustful son. It is said that it was Joffrey who gave the order to bathe the Blackwater in a glorious green fire that purged the Seven Kingdoms of its most dastardly rebels, and it was Joffrey who rode out into battle alongside his Kingsguard to meet his grandfather and Loras Tyrell as equals cleansed in the blood of Stannis’ bannermen.
And yet, Joffrey’s gallantry was as ubiquitous of his character as his unyielding chivalry. Even after the Seven deemed his union to House Stark as unworthy of his station with the revelation of Eddard’s treason, Joffrey remained loyally determined to wed his first betrothed lady, the fair Sansa Stark. As Sansa was made of gentler grace than her repugnant family, Joffrey is said to have kept the Stark girl as his constant companion, frequently occupying his thoughts with her throughout the preparation and ultimate siege of King’s Landing. During his first engagement, no woman or girl held his unwavering attention like Sansa. He even presented her to court without a shred of pretense or modesty during the Young Wolf’s most despicable actions against His Grace’s honor. It can be truly said that Joffrey never forgot his courtesies in regards to Robb’s little sister…
Thankfully, the Seven’s will was done when Joffrey was freed from that doomed romance to one of greener pasture. Aye, the Lion and the Rose were made to be a House united! Following the king’s complete and total victory over Stannis, which served only as a prelude to Joffrey’s inevitable conquest of Robb Stark, he was allowed to marry the woman of his true heart and desire, Lady Margaery Tyrell of Highgarden and the Reach. In the lovely Margaery’s company, Joffrey restored the grain supplies to the Capital, and the small folk ate like kings while the king feasted on the sight of his one true love. Equally enamored with His Grace’s unmatched manliness, Margaery too found her soul mate in a king so benevolent that he charitably wed his former betrothed to his Uncle Tyrion, sealing her protection under his watchful gaze.
Yet, they were all of them betrayed by an uncle so devious that to bear the sound of his name more than once is to court disaster. This disgusting, sniveling, demon monkey did conspire to a crime so grievous, so ungodly, that even Wise Joff could not foresee the depravity within his own House: on the day of his wedding to Margaery Tyrell, Joffrey Baratheon was brutally and unfathomably murdered by his own uncle. By committing the most unnatural of crimes against the laws of man and gods, old and new, this half-man proved to be even less than that with his heartless execution of kinslaying. The king is dead, and he is slaughtered by the blood of his blood.
Undoubtedly, there will be some dispute in the coming days and weeks about just who whisked our Lord Protector away from us, leaving him for the ages and dreamers forevermore. Courts will be convened, sentences passed down, and traitors beheaded. Yet, do not doubt for one moment the truth that has sprung from the Queen Mother Cersei’s angelic lips, which in all their years have never known the sound of deceit or falsehood: Tyrion Lannister is to blame!
Tonight, Margaery Tyrell cries herself to sleep with a wedding night stolen from her, and the king is in the heavens, finally reunited with his one true father. Survived by an aggrieved mother, a brokenhearted wife, and two sweet siblings from whom the next king will rise, King Joffrey Baratheon, the First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, and Protector of the Realm, is dead. May the Seven pity us all in our hour of grief.