Game Of Thrones Obituaries: The Children

This article contains major spoilers pertaining to Game of Thrones: “The Children.” It is also written in the hand of a Cersei-fearing courtier.

KING’S LANDING, THE CAPITAL — Oh, most sorrowful, sorrowful day. Never in the glorious history of the Seven Kingdoms has one man (if you can call it that!) done so much horror to the Realm. For on this pitiful morning that will live in infamy, the Demon Monkey has struck again, bringing eternal shame upon his House and the name Tyrion Lannister!

I bring sad tidings my friends, because Tywin Lannister, Hand of the King, Lord of Casterly Rock, and Warden of the West, is dead. And in a most heavy deed, the murder was perpetrated by the hand of his vile son!

During the wee small hours of the morrow, the villainous kingslaying Imp who was at dawn to meet the King’s Sweet Justice after slaughtering King Joffrey Baratheon—the most noble child the gods ever put on this good earth—inexplicably escaped from his Black Cell underneath the Red Keep for one purpose, and one alone: to murder his father and wreck even more tragedy on his fair and adored sister, the merciful Queen Regent. In a fit of churlish villainy, Tyrion even roped his previous concubine of court, a filthy immigrant from Essos, into his conspiracy for escape—bringing her to Tywin’s bed chamber and fornicating with the whore upon the Hand of the King’s sheets before Tywin stumbled upon their lechery.

In a fit of chivalry that much defined Tywin’s life, he stood proudly with his boots on and with the whiff of heroism filling his nostrils in dying breath. He confronted his monstrous son, who in a fit of rage slaughtered the wanton harlot before indescribably murdering his father who was caught unaware at the depths of hell that rested in the Imp’s heart.

Undoubtedly, courts will be convened and conspirators will be rounded up, along with the Imp himself, to meet their methodical and judicious rewards, but let us take a moment to weep for the smartest man in the Seven Kingdoms.

Born to Tytos Lannister, a weak and ineffectual patriarch, Tywin always knew it was his destiny to restore his family’s honor. He did exactly that when he spectacularly displaced Houses Reyne and Tarbeck into the dirt forevermore. These two houses made the foolhardy mistake in assuming that Tywin was his father.

However, he proved to be father of all that he purveyed when he punished these impudent children by ending both lines and sacking Castamere and Tarbeck Hall into complete ruin to the last man and child. The conquest gave the world its greatest ode, “The Rains of Castamere,” which the melody of still speaks volumes. It is said that when Lord Farman reacted unfavorably to a command by Lord Tywin, all that the Warden of the West messaged to the idiot was a lute with a musician to play “The Rains of Castamere.” Lord Farman never gave Tywin anymore trouble. A wise decision since it is said one of the only two times Tywin smiled was upon seeing the desolation and collapse of Tarbeck Hall while Lady Ellyn was still inside.

The other time that Lord Tywin is said to have smiled is the day that he wed his beautiful cousin Joanna Lannister. A happy marriage for all their years, Joanna produced for Tywin equally breathtaking twins Jaime and Cersei Lannister. Alas, even that happiness was ill-fated with the onset of the Imp, Tywin’s youngest son who murdered his mother in childbirth with his freakishly large head.

Tywin’s shrewd intelligence earned him the attentions of King Aerys II, a mad king true, but one who was once cognizant enough to see brilliance when at his feet. For 20 years, Tywin Lannister served as a fair and successful Hand of the King, overseeing peace and prosperity until Aerys’ decline. In his madness, Aerys lusted after Tywin’s life, and later his son Jaime. Once Aerys entered complete insanity, Tywin did what was best for the Realm and took King’s Landing in the name of Robert Baratheon. Sadly, some parties in the siege overeagerly carried out retribution for the Realm, much to Tywin’s eternal dismay.

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Tywin would have been content after Robert’s Rebellion to live out the rest of his days at peace in Casterly Rock, yet the threats to the Realm would never cease. The treasonous actions of the coward Eddard Stark of Winterfell and his vain and vainglorious son, Robb Stark, supposed King in the North, forced Tywin’s hand out of retirement where he returned to the role of Hand of the King for his grandson, sweet Joffrey, and commander of the king’s armies. Sure enough, Tywin engineered a swift ending of the War of the Five Kings—though he obviously disapproved of Walder Frey’s heinous violation of Guest Right….Obviously.

Since the ending of the war though, Tywin’s final days were rocked by treason within his own household. First, his justly shunned youngest son brought disgrace to the Rock by slaughtering his nephew, a crime in the eyes of gods and men. He even admitted that the death of our young king brought pleasure to his wicked, twisted soul. “Watching your viscous bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores,” Tyrion hissed to the grieving Queen Regent upon the first day of his trial. He elaborated that he wished he had enough poison to murder the entire court!

But he settled for a single additional death (besides his whore): he murdered his father, the greatest servant for the public good that the Seven Kingdoms have ever enjoyed. Stealing the life of Lord Tywin as quickly as he stole himself away again into the night, Tyrion has struck at the heart of all men only mere weeks since murdering our previous king. But judgment day is still coming for the Imp. And when it does, it will hopefully last hours and days unto itself.

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