In tonight’s Broad City season 4 premiere, Abbi and Ilana take us through their origin story in a manner only this duo can. Well, and maybe Gwyneth Paltrow. Missing the train leads our friends down a wonderful day of weed smoking, tattoos, and newfound friendship. But the perfect day ends with Abbi and Ilana getting hit by a bus. On the other hand, though, making the train sends the two women individually down a Murphy’s Law sort of day that ends up being kismet when the broken Abbi and Ilana find each other and start a beautiful friendship regardless.
Loyalists have been witnessing the what-dreams-are-made-of friendship of Abbi and Ilana for three season now and are probably wondering how it all came to be, and how to get one for yourself. We all want to find that special someone who will go to a dog wedding with us and buy us a naked man blanket for our birthday. Friends are hard to make, but thankfully this episode of Broad City gave us all the tips we need.
Abbi and Ilana Teach You How To Make Friends
1. “I was just gonna go to Bed, Bath & Beyond, but I could definitely do that high.”
Even Abbi knows that sometimes Bed, Bath & Beyond can wait, probably because she also knows that coupons never expire. This advice is two-fold really. First, weed over home decore. Second, what better adventure for two new friends than exploring the vast world of Bed, Bath & Beyond while under the influence? Maybe you will even find the Beyond of it all.
2. “I think you got, like, a Rosie Perez vibe going.”
Always always compliment new people you meet. It’s a very popular misconception, flattery can get you everywhere. Especially if you do it with celebrities. Actors who moonlighted as talk show hosts is always a good bet. I’ll take Space Ghost.
3. “If you had to be a throuple with any current couple, who would you pick?”
This is a very important icebreaker. Not only could it immediately seal the deal, but it’s important to know what you’re getting into. If you are a Barack and Michelle, you might not want a Jared and Ivanka. Cory and Topanga seem like a safe choice…
4. “I always smoke on the median of that intersection, because when a cop sees me I just throw my bowl into traffic.”
Lead with solid practical advice. It can demonstrate your unique functional abilities and prove your worth. Like having the Crayola box with the built in crayon sharpener first day of school.
5. “I just bought three slices of pizza that I am going to eat myself.”
Be honest folks. A friendship started by putting on airs will never work. Eventually you’ll crack and drink that seventh beer or wear tear-stained sweatpants to dinner. Just cut to the heart of who you are right off the bat, a true friend will respect your life choices.
6. “ We should press our breasts into [the wet cement].”
Seal. The. Deal. It’s the only way to do it. Every epic friendship begins with some perfectly-placed wet cement and favorite body parts. Pick what suits your style… or maybe you’re names will do. It’s way chicer than spitting in hands.
If you need a little something extra, here are some phrases from tonight’s episode you might want to pull out while meeting new people:
1. “Do you like Four Loko? It kind of scares me”
2. “Bonus Jonas”
3. “I’m having a salty wet diarrhea of a fucking day.”
4. “If it were a lady horse and a man, no one would have a problem with it.”
5. “Did you get kicked in the face by a subway performer again?”
6. “Why can’t you get eggs after 11am?”