Blockbusters: Connect 4 for swots

Bow ties, TCP and depressed teddies - welcome to the hexagonal world of Blockbusters

I know three things about Blockbusters:

1. ‘Can I have a P please Bob’, which is obviously HILARIOUS

2. That guy who said ‘orgasm’ instead of ‘organism’, and had to move to Australia

3. Bob Holness played the saxophone on the seminal 1978 hit Baker Street

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This is pretty much the extent of my Blockbusters knowledge. Therefore, this site decided I was the perfect person to write about it.

If, like me, you never really watched Blockbusters because it was aimed at gimpy swots, the gist of the show is as follows: there are two teams, and they have to answer questions and win hexagons on a board. The first team to get enough hexagons wins, I think. One of the teams has two players, the other team only has one player. This is not fair. That’s like having to go on Gladiators wearing a second hand vest and pants out of the lost property bin.

Right, let’s get on with the hexagonal fun. The first thing I want to talk about is the opening title sequence.

Watch this video: 

Having watched the video, explain to me how we get from awesome dystopian sci-fi to answering questions about the Periodic Table.

Contestants are called things like Gaz and ‘Chelle. Occasionally you’ll get Peregrine or Octavius, who have wandered onto the wrong show, mistakenly believing it to be University Challenge or Antiques Roadshow.

Contestants are encouraged to bring mascots with them. Peregrine does not have a mascot, because he is SERIOUS.

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These guys, on the other hand, have brought Toys R Us with them.

That elephant is considering leaping to its death.

This guy has a flag in a cake. The twat.

In the episode I watched, Bob Holness is greeted with wild applause and screaming, as if he were New Kids On The Block, Take That or similar.

Look at him bossing it like a boss.

Anyway, Bob goes mad showing us his new table:

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“Blockbusters it says – and why shouldn’t it?”

Calm your tits Bob, no one’s disagreeing with you.

Then I accidentally changed episodes, because I clicked the wrong button.

Whatever. Let’s meet our contestants. I would put a tenner on them all smelling of TCP.

I don’t know their names because I wasn’t listening properly, so let’s call them Michael, Lee, and, er, Lee.

They begin with the ‘Gold Run’ which I think is their equivalent of the Super Catchphrase. This is confusing, because it looks like it should come at the end of the show. The guy doing it gets everything wrong but still manages to win £30.

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I don’t know why there’s such a big gap in the scores, because we’ve only just started. I don’t know where those two got eighty points from. Maybe they stole them.

Questions in the following round include “What T is the name of the house in Gone With The Wind?” As if there’s any way on earth these seventeen year old boys have seen Gone With The Wind.

Amazingly, the solo one manages to win using the genius tactic of ‘not being shit’. He’s ecstatic.

Score so far: Billy-No-Mates 1000, Divs 0.

Want to know how I’m getting on at home?

Bob: “What ‘C’ is the race that Arnold Schwarzenegger belonged to in Terminator?

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Me: “Robot!”

Those two get booted off, and are replaced by pound shop Chesney Hawkes and his mate Callum. Callum once did it in a Ford Escort.

These two are from Birmingham, implying there are schools in Birmingham.

Before the game proper can start up again, Billy-No-Mates does the Super Catchphrase. He wins a scuba diving holiday, which is better than thirty quid, if you like scuba diving. He’s ecstatic again.

Good news: You’ve won a scuba diving holiday!

Bad news: It’s in Britain, which means you’ll probably see a shopping trolley and that’s it. Maybe a lugworm.

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I swear someone shouts “FIX!” at this point:

There are some more questions, and Callum giggles because he has to ask for a ‘P’ (it is always HILARIOUS), and then the episode just… stops. Bob says “Well that was fun, I wonder who’s going to win this! Now piss off.”

I see. It’s ongoing. That explains how those two from earlier managed to start the show with 80 points.

Spoiler alert: The Brummies go on to win against several opponents. One of them wins a Seal LP.

Blockbusters is coming back soon, hosted by that Dara man. The show might have found itself a new viewer, but only if the contestants keep winning things like Seal LPs.

Also, I need to go back and see how Peregrine got on. My guess is he used the word ‘equidistant’ at some point.

If you’d like to read more nonsense about TV, check out Jenny’s blog, World of Crap.

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